The Loneliness of Parenting

If you have just had a baby—or if you have had several—and you feel lonely, it is ironic to say, but you are not alone.

Mothering—or parenting if you are not a mother—can be very lonely.

When they are first on parental leave, and later, on holidays and weekends, parents often find themselves on their own for long stretches of the day with their babies. And as much as they love their babies, it can be hard.

The routine—feeding, changing, dressing, playing, putting down for a nap—can become tedious. A parent can long for a break or some adult companionship.

As Lucy Jones says in her book Matrescence, there is a reason you feel this way.

We are not meant to parent alone.

From the time we were non-human primates, and on through the millennia of human existence, parenting was a group activity. Aunts, uncles, cousins, older siblings, grandmothers, and others helped with parenting. They were there to take a baby, watch a child, discipline a teenager.

Parents did not stay alone in their caves or huts or houses while they were taking care of their babies and children.

We are not wired for parenting alone.

Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, a cultural anthropologist, writes about this in her book Mothers and Others. She says that we are "heir to an ancient legacy endowing (us) with a penchant for cooperation" (p 65). Our primate ancestors, Homininae, were different from other primates in this way.

It is Hrdy's hypothesis that Homininae grew up depending on a large range of caretakers.

Among current-day hunter-gatherer populations studied by the anthropologist Mel Konner, Hrdy says babies are held at least 25 percent of the time by members of the community other than their mothers. When not hunting or gathering, Konner observed that babies were passed around from person to person, being kissed, sung to, bounced, entertained, encouraged, and addressed in conversational tones for long "conversations" (p. 76).

Among modern-day Central African peoples who forage for food, mothers share their babies with others in the community right after birth and during their infancy and toddlerhood. Among two such groups, the Efe and the Afa peoples, after babies are born and before the mother's milk comes in, newborns are comforted by other women in the community by being allowed to suck on their nipples—whether the women are lactating or not. Similarly, babies are fed by lactating women until the mother's own milk supply comes in.

In the Efe community, babies average 14 different caretakers in their first few days of life.

Similar patterns of shared caretaking of infants have been observed in traditional societies all over the globe.

Mothers in other societies, including our own, need this too—maybe not 14 people—but someone to hold and comfort her baby when she's exhausted after childbirth, someone to nurse her baby while she waits for her milk to come in, someone to fill in if she's having trouble with nursing. And what mother does not long for others to show her exactly how to nurse? Or someone to hold her baby close when she needs a break?

In our culture, babies are sent to the newborn nursery to lie in plastic isolettes while their mothers rest after delivery. Newborns may go hungry for hours while their mothers wait for their milk to come in. Some babies become dehydrated because their mothers want to nurse but don't have sufficient milk supply. Many women suffer alone, wondering if they do have enough milk or if they are nursing correctly.

In our culture, despite the fact that there are doulas and lactation consultants, women are largely alone with their newborns and young infants. They are alone to figure out how to nurse and how often to nurse and when to wean and how to wean and well, just so many things. This is extremely hard—and unnatural!

So, what can expectant parents—and parents in general—do?

Here are some important steps to take:

1. Build community before your baby arrives. Identify family members who you get along with. Reach out to them and let them know that you think you will need their help after your baby is born. You may not know yet what kind of help you'll need, but just start the conversation. No matter how you feel prior to your baby's birth, you will need help afterward....and in the coming years. And also, look for help outside your family: join childbirth classes and parenting classes, if not for other reasons, then to make some friends in your area who will have babies the same age as your own. Other parents are a valuable resource. Parents need to get together when their babies are little—not for the babies' sake, but for their own. Having someone to break up the monotony of the day, or the weekend, to sit with or walk with, to exchange information with, or to complain to is absolutely necessary.
2. Starting when your baby is young, join whatever local community center is available, if you have the resources to do so. The local YMCA, church, synagogue, etc. will have classes you can join and they often also have daycare, where a baby can stay for an hour or more while you take a class. Having a break now and then - even if just for a one hour exercise class - is crucial.
3. Take your baby to the library story hour, the infant music class, a swim class, or a parenting group. Again, you need to get out of the house and meet other parents. As your baby grows, he/she will enjoy the stimulation—but you, as the parent, are the one who really needs it.
4. Advocate for better resources for parents in your community. And keep reaching out to your own family members, asking them directly for help when you need it.
5. Start some group activities for parents, babies, and children if you can't find any. It isn't hard to put together a little parenting group or to plan a daily or weekly meetup at a local playground - even if you just start with one other parent.

Parenting Essential Reads

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Hidden Harm: 3 Ways Parents Can Hurt Kids' Self-Esteem

Even following all these suggestions will not replace the real 24/7 community every parent needs - but they are a beginning.

Because parenting is challenging in any circumstance, but it is excruciatingly challenging when you feel that you are left on your own to do it all.