As part of the creeping privatisation of our National Health Service, a "Tripadvisor-style" reviews site for hospitals will be rolled out over the coming year.
On the one hand, it's reasonable that patients' views about their treatment are heard. On the other, it seems a trifle unwise to judge neurosurgeons in the same way that we appraise B&Bs in the Cotswolds. On this third hand that a clearly under-qualified sawbones has accidentally stitched to my elbow, what we're looking at here is a new outlet for the thing we do best: leaving playful and/or wilfully silly reviews for things. It's practically a national pastime.
To mark the beginning of this glorious new strand to our shared culture, let's warm up with a few practice swings …
"Dreadful service. Uncomfortable beds. And to make matters worse I dozed off one afternoon and when I woke up someone had removed a mole I was particularly attached to." – Now-unemployed Marilyn Monroe lookalike, Cheshunt.
"After a torrid beginning to my stay, in which I was given the most undignified bathrobe I've ever worn and was kept awake all night by another guest constantly yelling 'they've taken my leg', I was all set to check out early. But then one of the staff gave me a frankly rather intimate wash while I was still in bed and I'm now planning to book for next Easter." – Ukip voter, Macclesfield.
"A distinctly unmemorable holiday. I was only discharged yesterday and I honestly can't recollect a single thing about the place. Bland and forgettable." – Amnesia sufferer, North Shields.
"For a spa, the therapies were distinctly thin on the ground. There were no massages on offer and the only treatments we were offered consisted of a daily injection that made my hands swell up like two balloons." – Medical guinea pig, Oxford.
"After a restful start to my holiday, in which I'm told I slept for four months, I was rudely awoken by David Soul singing by my bedside. I don't even like David Soul. I think he was booked for the next patient along." – Coma survivor, Abingdon.
"I don't even know what my spleen is and I am now told that someone's removed it. I'm immensely bitter about this turn of events. And a chap in a white coat blathering on about Howell-Jolly bodies isn't helping. There's nothing remotely jolly about it. Insulting." – Charles Baudelaire, Hull.
"A lovely stay. Friendly staff. A chocolate on my pillow every night. Well, I think it was a chocolate. The only negative was when I was presented with the bill. Quite a shock, I can tell you." – Health tourist, abroad.
"Had a perfectly lovely time. Friendly staff in lovely starchy uniforms. Other guests very friendly and always pulling hilarious pranks. A substantial matron who bore a close resemblance to the late Hattie Jacques gave me an extra glass for my Lucozade so I could share it with the charming malingerer in the next bed. The only negative was that someone else ate my grapes." – Time traveller, Bromley.
Leave your own candid patient reviews below.
