Val McDermid, author
To paraphrase:
Last night upon an empty chair
We met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today;
I think we’ve made him go away.
That for me was probably the abiding impression from last night. The absence of David Cameron occupied as much of the attention of the five leaders as anyone present. They’d all honed their jibes about his decision to stay home and watch it on the TV with a takeaway pizza and a beer. And in his absence they all took the opportunity to take a free shot at the Tories without fear of instant reprisal.
But the spectre at the feast, the one making woo-woo noises in our heads, was Cameron. The theme of keeping the bogey man out of No 10 ran through so many of the arguments on both sides of the spectrum. It was at the heart of the cut and thrust between Ed Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon. Surely he must want Cameron out more than he dislikes the idea of governing with her help?
There was something almost archetypal in the narrative. The offer of fairy gold to help Ed beat the bad wizard; the casting away of temptation – “I’ve been fighting the Tories all my life”; in the background, the wizard rubbing his hands, knowing he can make capital out of whichever way it goes. Will it end well for young Ed? Or will his refusal of help cost him the kingdom?
The other telling moment came at the end, when they thought it was all over. The women came together in a group hug, three opponents who understand the power of cooperation over the pantomime hostility of Westminster. The two men stood awkward, stiff and apart. Said it all, really.
And as for Nick Clegg? Left off the guest list, his name wasn’t mentioned, his absence an apparent irrelevance. The man who nobody noticed wasn’t there.
Jack Monroe, food writer
“I am an immigrant. I’ve chosen to become a British citizen, to make my life in Britain. I came as a visitor … and I decided to stay and make this my home.” Natalie Bennett spoke for Lukas, the Polish firefighter who has been saving lives in Britain for the last seven years. She spoke for Baijeet, an English teacher and first black president of the NUT. She spoke for Rosemarie, a mental health nurse from Trinidad, and she spoke for “the cleaners and doctors” in her own community in King’s Cross, “all contributing to the British way of life, in their own way”.
I mean, damn those immigrants, coming over here, saving our lives, teaching our children, caring for us, and leading our politics.
With those words, and her strongest delivery of the night, she took back control of the rhetoric around immigration that Farage, with his hysteria over the alleged “HIV tourists”, that his party has been steering for so long.
“In your world, every problem is caused by immigrants,” Sturgeon reinforced the ridiculousness of his argument. Wood pointed out that migrant people have a net economic benefit to the country, and that since Wales had tightened its borders, the Welsh NHS was struggling to recruit doctors. Bennett simply reminded us that migrants are people, who choose Britain as their home.
“I went into politics because I want to improve that, I want to protect it … I want to celebrate the contribution of migrants to Britain, and I believe we should all be doing that.” So do I. I was proud to be a member of the Green Party as I watched the debate last night, time and again nodding to sentiments so close to my own thoughts with a vision of a “humane, sustainable Britain” that I joked to my partner that I would happily write speeches for her.
“We can, must, make sure everyone has food on the table and a stable home to live in.” Bennett was the only one to defend the disabled, students, the Independent Living Fund, to stand up to Atos, to passionately declare that we all have a right to food and home security, in the face of Farage’s circus act and Miliband’s wooden clunky disengagement. Amen to that, and thank you Natalie Bennett, for coming over here and choosing to make Britain your home. It’s all the better for it.
Mike Read, broadcaster
Just five runners in this novice hurdle, none of the entrants having previously won at this distance. Cameron on Call Me Dave scratched before the off, leaving stablemate Clegg unable to declare on Middle Ground. The handpicked crowd leaned heavily to the left to get a better view of the runners and riders. The going was good to soft, with a fair bit of mud being thrown up from all directions.
At the first, Farage on Fanfare for the Common Man appeared to have his nose in front with Bennett on No Points System running wide to get the greenest track. Miliband on Rhetoric appeared to have been heavily trained – some might say over-trained – while Sturgeon on Right to Buy seemed determined at all costs to affect the quinquennial Westminster Stakes whatever it took. So keen was she that she even threatened at one point to bring down the non-runner, Call Me Dave.
Wood on Post-Austerity Prosperity was the early backmarker. Miliband was hampered several times by Farage, but when challenged appeared to have few answers. At one point he seemed to be veering across the course, almost changing direction. Some felt the ghost of Call Me Dave was actually among the runners as they headed to the last, with Bennett and Wood running on one-paced. The Clerk of the Course, D Dimbleby, confirmed that the NHS weren’t needed for this particular race as there were no fallers.
Who won? Opinions differ. Bookmakers BuzzFeedUK had Farage on Fanfare for the Common Man romping home by 20 lengths, while Survation had Miliband first past the post on Rhetoric, with Sturgeon on No Right To Buy and Farage a close second and third, with Farage being named Most Convincing Rider and picking up their Best on Immigration award.
In a post-race interview Miliband ruled out an offer to amalgamate with Sturgeon’s stable. In another post-race interview W Hague and D Alexander told anyone who’d listen how the race should have been run. Luxembourg tipster Jean-Claude Juncker dropped a hint that the up and coming EU Army might be a good each-way bet for the next Westminster Stakes. Trained at the Augean stables, this one could well clean up and might not be such an Herculean labour as has been claimed.