Maurice Mcleod: Are we becoming untouchable?
I’m naturally quite touchy, but I’ve learned over the years that keeping my hands to myself is the wiser option. Although touch is often considered the communication which transcends culture, different cultures feel differently about a stranger’s feel.
A “touchability index” created by scientists at Oxford University working with Aalto University – who have clearly run out of deadly viruses to fight – showed that compared to France, Italy, Finland and Russia, the British are the least keen on being touched by people they didn’t know.
The study of 1,500 people showed we are very specific about who we allow to touch us and where.
As well as British, the other predominant part of my cultural mix is Jamaican. Maybe this has more to do with my touchy-feely character. I’m not just talking about the stereotyped backslapping and punctuating every sentence with a fist bump. I mean hands on knees to confide or on shoulders to console.
I remember travelling in Mozambique, where no one seemed to care whose armpit was in whose face as they travelled to work on the minibuses in Maputo. Maybe being relaxed about touch by others has something to do with your idea of self-sustainability. Knowing you need others to get by means you are less freaked out by their touch.
I also notice the same touchy-feely nature in working-class white cultures, so maybe it’s more about community than national traits. Maybe when you stop needing the safety net of community, you stop needing to touch.
Of course, as a guy I’m relatively free from the fear of the unwanted touch, but I can’t help lamenting that we are moving towards a world where touching another human is so rare.
Philippa Perry: What are we Brits really afraid of?
If we are putting it on a scale it doesn’t surprise me that the UK is the least touchy-feely nation. The difference between loving touch and being sexual with someone is interesting. In many cultures there’s no difference between one and the other, and with many people loving touch can also be sexual touch. But if we’re really screwed up, we can do sexual touch but we don’t allow ourselves be touched lovingly.
There’s more intimacy in loving touch. It exposes our vulnerability. If someone is allowing you to have sex with them, you don’t consider yourself as vulnerable because you’re “doing sex”, but if you let yourself be moved in a non-sexual way by loving touch you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
In my work I’ve come across men who are uncomfortable with holding hands with their partners but not uncomfortable with sex; that’s not being fully functional or living life to its full potential. The Gottman Institute has found that the secret of a long relationshio is not sex between partners but touching, hugging, holding hands – loving touch.
Touch is a really important method of communication between people. You can convey what you feel in a touch and if your get squeamish about it you are denying yourself a key form of communication.
I personally was quite uptight and typically British about this before I embarked on therapy. I craved more loving touch from my earliest caregivers than I got – I had a typically middle-class, nanny-led, stiff-upper-lip upbringing – so I cut myself off from wanting it because it was too hard to want it. What are we afraid of if we make ourselves more open to touching and being touched?
Julie Bindel: Women are too used to having boundaries crossed
I am a tactile person, and come from a family of huggers and cuddles. I did not grow up with a British reserve, and have a very strong dislike of limp handshakes. But I have campaigned against men’s sexual violence against women and girls all my adult life, and am very aware of how unexpected touch from strangers, acquaintances and even friends can be uncomfortable for those who have previously had physical and sexual contact imposed on them.
The “body map” research will probably not surprise many – one of the fallouts of patriarchy is that women’s bodies are constantly under scrutiny by men, and we are often judged as either sexually attractive or not. Men have been given permission to sexualise pretty much all physical contact with women. That said, I don’t believe that men have no off-limits so long as a woman is doing the touching, but I think they feel it would be a bit soft to admit to what makes them uncomfortable.
I don’t want to live in a world where we feel it is inappropriate to hug someone on first meeting. Give me that any day over air-kissing. But women get so used to having our boundaries crossed that we have come to learn that if a man decides he wants to touch, then he will do so. My response is a sharp knee to the balls (proportional self-defence, obviously).
Louise Ruell: Debrett’s dos and don’ts
There are rules for touching. These rules are based on social etiquette, which in turn reflect simple good manners. Good manners make our everyday lives easier, removing anxiety and minimising social difficulties or awkwardness. As with all matters of etiquette, the best manners do not draw attention to you. So when meeting somebody new, you should tailor your interactions with others to match the situation and, if unsure, use your common sense and observe the exchanges of those around you.
On greeting a stranger, offering to shake hands is the most commonly used gesture and is appropriate for both social and professional meetings. Traditionally, the handshake was viewed as a sign of friendship; it indicated that you were unarmed and so came in peace. These values hold true today, making the handshake the safest option when greeting somebody you haven’t met before. If in doubt, opt for the handshake. It is never viewed as rude, and carries little risk of making the other person feel uncomfortable.
Social kissing, although increasingly taking over from the traditional handshake, is not appropriate in all situations and on the whole it should only be used among friends, and not upon a first meeting. Social kissing varies according to the people and cultures involved, so use your judgment. While commonplace among younger people, kissing is rare among the older generation, within more traditional professions or in very rural areas.
In terms of how to kiss upon greeting, the double-kiss, which is usually the man kissing the woman’s right cheek first, is the norm amongst the younger generation. An air kiss, with no contact at all, may seem rude or impersonal, but at least it is not intrusive – it is simply a social kiss, not a sign of affection. A very slight contact is best, and no sound effects are needed! If you’re subjected to an unwanted social kiss, you may extend a straight arm and offer to shake hands, which should give a clear message. Finally, never force kisses on people who extend their hand as a sign.