Not the royal wedding – as it didn't happen

9.00am: Good morning. It may seem perverse to be unashamedly indifferent about the formal union of two people none of us will ever meet, but then deviancy is rife in modern society. And if you are one of those deviants, this blog is for you. It shall contain no further mention of the English Couple, and instead focus on everything else that happens in the world today - whether it's David Cameron declaring himself the world's foremost feminist or Jessica Fletcher thwarting another wrong'un during repeats of Murder, She Wrote on ITV7.
Please send in any news stories, however minute. This might be the only time the Guardian reports on a cat getting stuck up a tree, or a fortysomething man in Cumbria experiencing a shuddering epiphany after watching American Beauty for the first time last night.

9.12am: Police officers and protesters were injured in Bristol in the small hours after demonstrations against a Tesco store turned violent. You can read more here.

9.16am: Stuart Heritage has compiled an alternative TV schedule for the day. So if you're not sure what to watch on your 32-inch flatscreen HD gogglebox, click here.

9.19am: One thing you definitely should not watch is The Only Way Is Essex, which is on ITV2 right now. I've never had the displeasure before, but what is this abject nonsense?

9.23am: Alexandra Topping has put together this list of alternative activities for today, including your chance to live all your Kerouackian fantasties. Well, okay, to go on a road trip. The Benzedrine high is optional, and theguardian.com certainly does not condone etc. etc.

9.26am: "Possible story," says somebody called Relequestal. "This morning is a damn good time to travel if you want to get anywhere, as everyone else is too busy indoors or inside the M25 rather than ON it!" In other words, it's a good time to get the ironing done.

9.28am: There are unconfirmed reports that David Cameron has engaged a female of the species without using any of the following words and phrases: 'love', 'dear', 'pet', 'darling', 'sweetheart' and 'bit of stuff'.

9.30am: British embassy officials are trying to ascertain whether any UK citizens were caught up in the terrorist bomb that killed at least 15 people in Marrakech.

9.33am: Hold page 17: "A man, apparently tripping on acid or mushrooms, is running wildly around my apartment complex, screaming about the Gopher King (?) in Arkansas, United States," says Robert March. "Police arriving shortly." I don't like the sound of the Gopher King.

9.35am: On QVC, you can buy a Karen Alder TRUST Lipstick - that's right, TRUST - for £8.00. "Absolutely love that lipstick," warbles one of the presenters, stopping a fraction short of the phrases "to die for" and "j'adore".

9.42am: "Don't forget about the final launch of Space Shuttle Endeavour, at 1947 UTC this evening! It's also the penultimate launch in the space shuttle programme!" says Andrew Tindall. In other news, zebbydoohdah is worried about their husband's (possible) broken finger and Jessand is planning to walk their dog, who "is much more important than this [R and W words deleted], let me tell you". Today might be a good day to dabble with the extreme sport of dog-walking on the M25. Not that theguardian.com condones, etc. etc.

9.46am: If you want to experience some devilishly subtle terror, The Only Way Is Essex is still on ITV2 Hitchcock's Spellbound is on BBC2 at the moment.

9.49am: "In important news, I may be buying a new television today," says Richard O'Hagan. "If anyone can explain Richer Sounds' policy on trade ins, I'd be delighted to hear from them as their website is strangely silent on the issue. And today is being soundtracked by Sleeper's Inbetweener, for some reason." Sample lyric: 'she's not a work of art or anything'.

9.53am: "Dear Rob," says Reggie. "Sly and Reggie will be popping into the events at Red Lion Square in the Middle Class Sound System – a Morris Minor with speakers and flags." I didn't understand a word of that but it sounds interesting.

9.56am: "I once got a Twix that was solid chocolate," announces MyHero, mistaking this for a 'What was your zenith?' blog

9.57am: A Chinese publisher has reportedly paid over $1m for the rights to One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Imagine how much they'd pay for The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time.

10.00am: Below the line, Slideshow Rod says "What no mention of Man United yet Rob?!" Yes, yes, I do usually write about the infantile world of sport, but today the peasant does get to go to the ball. (That's a reference to me, not, y'know.)

10.09am: "Telepathic Heights, Bristol, is being raided/evicted by police, following on from events early this morning," says Andrew Tindall. "Thirteen riot vans + additional cars outside the property."

10.12am: Friends is on E4. Paul Rudd is in it. He's seducing Lisa Kudrow's character with his shy patter and his haircut. Imaginary research has shown that it's physically impossible not to feel a smidgin of man-love for Paul Rudd, but he does test that man-love: has anyone ever been so darn ubiquitous?

10.16am: "Obviously today is soundtracked by Father, Ruler, King, Computer by Echobelly," says renowned romantic Kate Joesler. "'Don't bring me down with vows and flowers.'"

10.18am: "I'm just saying the Twix was a pretty big deal," says MyHero. "It really puts all this stuff into perspective when you think about it." It was always going to happen. Someone was always going to put today in perspective. Now we can move on and enjoy the rest of the day.

10.21am: "Just to let you know, Charlie Veitch of the Love Police was arrested yesterday for 'Conspiracy to cause public nuisance', presumably regarding the [thing that shall not be named]," says Eve Ousby, who also sends this link, and this one. "It is a worrying sign that freedom of expression is apparently less important than a [thing that shall not be named]."

10.26am: Today is the 50th anniversary of the WWF. Yes, it really is 50 years since a grown man first eased into some dangerously tight lycra before engaging in homoerotic combat with another m- oh, hang on, it's the 50th anniversary of the World Wildlife Fund.

10.28am: Seismic news from Richard Doolan. "My dissertation is going to be printed today," he says. "This piece of work will no doubt change the face of humanity forever." What's the subject?

10.31am: On ITV3, Kojak is prowling menacingly. What a magnificent speciment of masculinity. Some of the dialogue is majestic. "Nobody should die like that," warbles some man in a trilby. "That's the way chickens are executed." And Kojak lets every word slide out of the corner of his mouth with utter contempt. This is magnificent television. Kojak>The Wire. Possibly.

10.33am: Happy anniversary department: "Today is also the 66th anniversary of the nuptials of Fräulein Eva Braun and Herr Adolf Hitler," says ComptonStand. "Most people didn't think that one would last the distance."

10.37am: Here's Robert March, with an update from 9.33am. "The man has been subdued, but not before stripping naked. The police lights got his attention, apparently, as he began dancing even more enthusiastically when they approached. The taser to his bare chest was his final bow. An epic night in Fayetteville." You have to admire his chutzpah, dancing jauntily as taser-wielding police lumbered menacingly towards his naked self.

10.40am: "Breaking news," says Jo Evans. "Rob Clarke from Leicester about to break eggs to make hangover breakfast." I've never understood the appeal of the hungover fry-up. It's like giving your stomach a spin cycle.

10.42am: "Currently trying to block out the unmentionable and my flatmates going at it hammer and tongs in the room next door," says Paul Castle. "Today hasn't started well." It could just be a particularly zesty game of Jenga, or draughts. It's when you hear a fist thumping the wall – as happened to me at uni with a housemate who, for the sake of argument, we'll call Andrew Miller – that you really need the earplugs.

10.48am: "Perhaps you aren't aware," begins Jonwp, "but today is the thirdrd Annual Save the Frogs Day. Events are occuring across the globe to help save those frogs, and in Dorset, Sabrina Laben and Simon Pittman who will be having a specially planned Save The Frogs Day Wedding! If you doubt the importance of saving the frogs read a collection of quotes from this website: 'Frogs are really cool, I like them & I don't want them to die'." Imagine a world without frogs. This would have not have happened, for a start.

10.51am: Our live blog on the Middle East unrest is now, well, live.

10.52am: The Swiss mountaineer Erhard Loretan, one of the few climbers to ever reach the summits of all 14 of the world's peaks above 8,000m, has died in a climbing fall on his 52nd birthday.

10.58am: "Nice to meet you here Rob," says Gary Naylor. "Having bailed out of a visit to Lord's due to Surrey's pathetic batting likely to make the day too brief to warrant the journey, I'm going on what counts as a testosterone bender for a middle-aged bloke. Having overdosed on the masculinity lexicon reviewing Fire in Babylon this morning, I'm going sit with my lads this afternoon to watch The Right Stuff. I think the farcical scenes at the Bernabeu and all this wedding chatter have tipped me over the edge - it'll be reruns of Top Gear next." 'A testosterone bender for middle-aged bloke' sounds like the name of the greatest album The Fall never released.

11.00am: If disposable cricket is your thing, an IPL double header is about to begin on ITV4. The first game is particularly interesting: the Rajasthan R-word against the Mumbai Indians, or, to put it another way, Shane Warne v Sachin Tendulkar. Warne has been in brilliant form this season and has lost loads of weight. He's a pretty good advert for dating one of the world's most beautiful women. It's worth following just for the unique commentary of the former New Zealand Danny Morrison. Never before has a human being emitted such an incessant stream of infectious gibberish

11.05am: "Charlie is my younger brother," says Amanda Pennington. "We are in contact with Olivia Knight, whose father has also been arrested for 'conspiracy' to cause a public nuisance. We have asked Bindmans solicitors to represent him."

11.08am: "I can't tell you the subject of my dissertation," says Richard Doolan. "It will seem far less interesting and important if I do. I think the astonishing success of my dissertation will be built upon the foundations of no one reading it." You haven't gone for 'The Oxford comma is a profound metaphor for life's essential futility: discuss', have you?

11.12am: "Rob," says Espin, can you describe your hat and frock, please?" Obviously it was important to capure the mood, so, after weeks of deliberation, I settled on a New York Knicks cap, worn backwards at a faux-jaunty 23 per cent angle, a scented string vest, lilac three-quarter-length trousers, and odd flip-flops. If this look isn't ubiquitous in Hoxton by tomorrow evening, there's no justice in the world.

11.16am: "Rachel Heath (31) and Stephen Jones (29) are getting married today," says Sparebulb. "In a story that has echoes of another wedding couple, they first met in Wetherspoons. Miss Heath, who works in TJ Hughes, joked that her husband-to-be would have little excuse for forgetting the anniversary. Mr Jones was unavailable for comment.

11.20am: Moments ago, a 28-year-old man and a 29-year-old woman were married at Westminster Abbey in London.

11.21am: Some football news: Dimitar Berbatov is fit to sit on a bench at Arsenal on Sunday.

11.23am: Thanks to my colleague James Walsh for this fantastic story.

11.26am: "I can't believe The Guardian isn't joining in the special festivities," says Robin Kellett. "It's my mate Julia's 30th Birthday today after all. I mean I appreciate that Friends reruns on E4+1 need to take priority but you could pretend to be interested..."

11.27am: "Robert Downey Jr," begins Phil Podolsky "I've always wondered: where does he find time to lead that deeply troubled personal life of his when he pops up in every other movie? And Paul Rudd is cool. I've liked him since Clueless, and if loving Clueless is wrong I have no interest in being right."

11.33am: Kojak is haranguing some poor kid who inadvertently confessed to the murder of three women. It's easily done. One minute you're admitting you've made a few mistakes in your life, the next minute you're signing a murder confession. They've now given the kid a cigarette, despite the fact he looks about 12. He's being framed. "I was the only black kid there ma..." he tells his mother, who is weeping furiously.

11.34am: "At a time when thousands of people are losing their jobs and homes, I'm here to complain about today's utterly nonsensical waste of money," says Mac Millngs. "Yes, it looks like my employers are going to give me a pay raise. Ridiculous."

11.41am: "Have just hit a 180 in darts for the first time!!" says Walter Mitty Richard Costello. "Cannot believe it, I thought this day would never happen. I guess dreams can come true." I'll never forget where I was when I heard this news.

11.43am: Barack Obama is to visit tornado victims in Alabama, where over 300 people have been killed.

11.47am: "Going to buy a carpet today," says Cassie Williams, stopping the entire press in nine syllables. "Then will possibly take a stroll to the republican street party. struggling with this one though. If we go to the Republican party do we still end up buying into the whole idea that the W-word is worthy of note, even if in a negative way? Is it better to go and register my Republican tendencies or ignore it totally but not be counted?" Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy.

11.49am: "Checked tree," says Chris O'Neill. "No cat stuck." No cat stuck yet.

11.53am: "SK Warne has always played like he's from another planet, and now he looks like he's from another planet," says Gary Naylor. "They used to light beacons across England on nights of [the thing that shall not be named] – these days, they could just put one each of Warne's teeth atop each hill and we wouldn't know the difference." Yes, he does look pretty... interesting, but you have to admire the fact that he could not care less what anyone thinks, whether it's about shiny teeth, comedy inflatables, diuretics or anything else. If there is one person on this planet who will not die wondering, it's Shane Warne. He also won't be bowling to Sachin Tendulkar, because he's just been stumped off the bowling of the young spinner Ashok Menaria.

11.54am: More news: headteachers are likely to vote this weekend over whether to hold their first ever national strike.

11.58am: "I'm really craving some halloumi," says Emily Prichard. "I even dreamt of it last night, polystyrene texture squeaking away as I devoured it. Are you a halloumi man, Rob?" I'm not a halloumi man, Emily, and some might question whether I'm a man per se, but on this day of all days – Hitler's wedding anniversary, don't forget – it would be wrong not to wish all you halloumiphiles well in your search for cheese-based fulfilment.

12.01pm: Something very important has been missing from our coverage thus far: snooker. Thankfully, here's Scott Murray with an update. "It's 7-5 in the snooker semi between Trump and Ding. It started 5-3; they've shared the first mini session, they've gone off for a cup of tea. Trump is brilliant – he's 21 and couldn't give a solitary one. He's sending the white banana-ing around the table like Alex Higgins before the vodkas start having marginal negative effects. He potted a red straight down the rail from middle pocket to corner the other night, which is just daft. But Ding is brillant as well, and he's hanging on in there. those who say he's not got the bottle (he's got a reputation for this ever since crying during the Masters final against Ronnie O'Sullivan in 2007, when someone in the crowd shouted "go home to China". Ding was 19. To O'Sullivan's great credit, he told the audience to shut the fuck up) are full of it. He's a scrapper. This could be a classic." We need something to remember 29 April 2011 for.

12.02pm: "Hangover breakfast now consumed," says Jo Evans. "Room still spinning. In other Leicester news, bin men have just done a rubbish collection on Bradgate Heights – black bin not green box." This is surely a zenith for modern journalism.

12.08pm: "No mention so far of the fact that today is International Dance Day," says my erstwhie colleague Lars Eriksen. "This guy knows."

12.12pm: Has Kojak always been such a charismatic hardass? I genuinely had no idea. This is sensational television. I may have to retire and sit watching Kojak boxsets for the rest of my days.

12.15pm: "My father has broken with tradition and chosen to watch some rugby instead of using the day to mow the lawn," writes Anonymous. "Mother was unavailable for comment, but was said to be 'a bit put out' as she was 'hoping I'd get it done so she could do some gardening while the weather holds up. She'll be moaning all day now.' More on this breaking story as the action unfolds." I hear HBO have just offered 12 pence for the rights to this story as well.

12.27pm: Meanwhile, below the line, some more important aspects of 29/04/11 are emerging.

ASANISIMASA2 dispels those rumours:
Today I decided to throw caution to the wind and eat a quiche for breakfast. It was delicious, but I didn't manage to finish it all. I will now brush my teeth and hair and go to the toilet, but would like to dispel any media speculation: I am not getting married today nor have any plans to in the near future.

Boodge says, you do the math:
Doing my organisations year end accounts. There are some really annoying rounding issues, and the cashflow statement is out by £1k. Pah.

PropositionJonny takes a historic view:
Over in Northern Ireland, my father, one Gerard Boyle, is power-hosing the driveway and decking. His own form of protest i believe. We've come a long way.

12.34pm: The snooker is now on BBC2, while Kojak is still putting the fear of God into every living thing on ITV3. Meanwhile, here's PrankMonkey to lower the bar even further. "Breaking news: I've just got dressed." Oh heaven.

12.38pm: "Some very sad cricket news: the former England captain and coach Ray Illingworth suffered a heart attack on Tuesday, although he should be discharged from Leeds General Infirmary soon.

12.42pm: My colleague Rowenna Davis has an update on the violence in Bristol.

At 9:30am this morning police raided the "Telepathic Heights" squat in Cheltenham Road, claiming that they had brought forward the eviction process because they believed there was a "direct connection" between the property and last night's disorder.

Witnesses at the scene say that several individuals have now climbed on to the roof of the adjoining building and are now throwing tiles at the police in what appears to be a "Mexican stand off."

Local community campaigner Chris Chalkley said there are now eighteen police vehicles on the scene, some with rock climbing equipment, who are trying to remove those on the roof in front of about 100 onlookers.

"The decision to evict the squatters is another decision the police have taken unilaterally. It's a really botched job," said Chalkley, "There are a few squatters on the roof and they are throwing things down. This could go on for some time because there is a risk they could throw themselves off. The road is blocked and they're in a real pickle now."

12.46pm: "Personally, I think they're a really good match up and compliment each other well," says Pootlepunk. "Good to see them dressed so nicely and see such a big crowd too. I wish both of them the best for the future, although I think Trump might just edge past Ding and make it to the final here." Ah, the snooker. At first I thought you were talking about The Only Way Is Essex, which is still draining the will to live on ITV2.

12.51pm: "Just to keep you updated on the football," says Ben D, "it's 0-0 at half-time in the Macedonian Prva League match between Rabotnicki and Tetecks."

12.58pm: "Do you realise," says James Murgatroyd, "that you have continued using "am" even though we are now in the afternoon?" Oh that was deliberate. I was making a very subtle statement about the inherent futility of endeavouring to distinguish between AM and PM. That's exactly what I was doing. It certainly wasn't a massive cock-up.

1pm: "It's 7-7 in the snooker now," coos Scott Murray. "A brilliant 14th frame. Ding had frame ball with a couple of reds still on the table, but missed. Trump came back at him like a lunatic, raking in long pots and playing obscene swerves for position. He fought all the way to the black, then missed the thing by a mile. Ding knocked it in to level the match, relieved to have got away with that miss. Trump is rocking for the first time this tournament. he's said himself it'll be interesting to see how he reacts when he has a bad session; well it appears he's having a relatively bad one now. Oh hold on, he's just skelped in another preposterous long red. These guys are brilliant. To think years ago we'd have been watching Doug Mountjoy and Eddie Charlton."

1.06pm: "I accidentally saw the start of the BBC's coverage of some big event that you don't seem to be following, says Brad McMillan. "The presenter said that pictures were being beamed, live, internationally across five continents. Given there are six populated continents, does anyone have any idea which continent is giving it a miss, and what are they doing instead?"

1.09pm: "I "I'm blissfully fulfilling my last day on a three month contract in Kenya, before flying back to Blighty on Sunday," says Bill Watson. "A little over two hours to beer o'clock, or 'Mututho time' as it's called here (named after the legislator who introduced a law that forbids bars from selling alcohol before 5om on a week day), which will see me out saying my goodbyes to the team I've been training up. Given the sterling effort I've put in to foster good relations between the UK and another Commonwealth county a small egotistical part of me kind of hopes people make a bit of a fuss over my return, maybe by bedecking streets with the Union Flag or somesuch."

1.09pm: In the IPL, Shane Warne's Rajasthan R-word have restricted Sachin Tendulkar's Mumbai Indians to 94 for eight. Liz Hurley is in the crowd in his Rajasthan R-word top. Warne's mob should win easily from here.

1.13pm: "Claire Flores, of Fayetteville, Arkansas, USA, is sleeping soundly," writes Claire Flores. "Peacefully ignorant of the ruckus in Britain, but ironically having an erotic dream involving Prince Charles." Is that ironic, or just terrifying?

1.19pm: "Today is my sister-in-law's birthday," says JulieCaroline, "this is my big event of the day. Happy Birthday!"

1.30pm: A grown man and a grown woman have just kissed in the London area. In other news, the television schedule is having a post-Kojak lull. The Only Way Is Essex is still on ITV2. They have now put subtitles on. I'm very confused.

1.33pm: "Here on York's South Bank, somebody is walking the alleyways behind the houses singing loudly but indistinctly," says Eiron Page. "The only words I can make out are 'washing machine' and 'tumble dryer'." I didn't realise Beady Eye were playing impromptu gigs in York alleyways.

1.34pm: They are now planning a Botox party on The Only Way Is Essex. I have nothing to add to this.

1.37pm: Some actual news. Planning applications for at least six rabbit battery farms have been lodged with local authorities. They woud be the first in the UK since the 1990s.

1.42pm: Deal or No Deal is on More4. What a weird show it has become. It's like a cult. It won't be long before former contestants have Deal or No Deal flashbacks and receive counselling for the trauma of having £5 in their box. That show is dangerous.

1.44pm: A few of you below the line are discussing broken fingers and the like. I think I have broken the third toe on my left foot. But how can you tell? What if I go do the doctor and he says, 'It's barely bruised, you sorry excuse for masculinity, now get out of my sight'. Conversely, what if you don't go to the doctor and it transpires your entire left leg is broken in 47 different places? How can you tell?

1.46pm: "I had a rake of beers and the hottest chicken wings in existence at a Mexican Hooters last night," writes Peter Sheridan, "and I'm feeling both now." Form an orderly ones, ladies, an orderly one.

1.46pm: There are two types of people in this world: people who want the contestants on Deal or No Deal to succeed, and people who want them to fail, preferably miserably. Which are you?

1.48pm: At least two people have been killed and more than 100 wounded during rioting in Kampala, the capital of Uganda.

2pm: The main event is over – insert your own 'the snooker's still going on' joke here – so it's probably time to wrap up this blog. You can continue to discuss the important issues (quiches, memory foam, erotic dreams about Prince Charles) below the line, but I am off to celebrate Hitler's wedding anniversary. Thanks very much for all your emails and comments; bye.