One Of These Is Not Like The Other: Weird Grocery Order Substitutions

ACROSS AMERICA — We expected some eye-roll-worthy answers in our informal survey asking Patch readers about the strangest substitutions they’ve found in their online grocery order deliveries.

We weren’t prepared for this from Ginger, an Across America Patch reader. She ordered cereal and got a hammer and hacksaw blade instead.

We’re all making that face right now, aren’t we? You know the one: eyes squinted, nose wrinkled, mouth opened and head cocked to one side with no words, no words at all beyond “huh?”

And perhaps these words from the “Sesame Street” jingle: “One of these things is so not like the other.”

Ginger got to keep the hardware items at no charge. And the cereal order was made good. Overall, Ginger is a happy consumer. “I am really grateful for it,” she said.

Coronavirus pandemic lockdowns forced big changes on grocery stores. In a matter of weeks, they shifted their business models, embracing digital channels and third-party apps. One study showed that by March 2020, online grocery sales had increased 233 percent from the year before. Studies since suggest online grocery shopping is here to stay.

A Pennsylvania Patch reader using the #AccidentalFoodie hashtag reported “hitting the jackpot when I got my order AND some fancy balsamic vinegar, Yukon Gold potatoes and expensive cheese.”

“Keep giving me expensive stuff I wouldn’t ordinarily buy and I’m a customer for life,” #AccidentalFoodie said.

“I did notify the app that I'd gotten someone else’s order but was told to keep it,” the reader said, offering a review of the unexpected grocery items. “I am still enjoying the balsamic vinegar. It is primo and I’ll figure out a way to buy it on the legit. Those potatoes were overrated (in my humble opinion) The cheeses were excellent.”

Margie, who reads Evanston Patch and several other Illinois Patch local news sites in Chicago’s Northern Suburbs, said her online deliver service gets it right “99 percent of the time.”

That 1 percent of the time when the order is wrong can be frustrating.

“I ordered four pieces of fresh, 6-ounce salmon fillets on sale for $4.99 each,” Margie said. “I got four packages of vacuum-sealed, 32-ounce smoked salmon for $24.99 per package.”

That was about an $80, unpalatable mistake in Margie’s book.

“Sometimes, store mistakes work in your favor,” said La Grange (Illinois) Patch reader Pete. “I ordered a pound of salmon and got over three — like two real big slabs. Nice, but they charged me for it.”

Pete ultimately got a refund for the extra salmon and “paid for one pound, like I ordered.” The extra salmon went into the freezer.

Bar Soap Equals Cookie Spread?

That tasty mistake isn’t weird at all compared to what Pete got instead of three bars of Dial soap.

“I received three JARS of Biscoff cookie spread,” Pete said. “Weird substitution, but the Biscoff was quite good and I went on to substitute it for peanut butter when I made peanut butter cookies. As a bonus, the three jars were priced the same as the soap — pretty cheap.”

Across America Patch reader Arlene’s cat may have meowed and yowled about this.

“I ordered cans of cat food,” Arlene said. “I received pinto beans.”

Virginia Patch reader Heather had a pet food-related facepalm moment, too. She found a can of beef stew-flavored dog food in her grocery bag.

“I don’t have a dog,” Heather said. “I ordered Dinty Moore Beef Stew. I never got an alert of a substitution. But one is for humans the other is for dogs. What’s not to understand about the difference in these products? Sheesh.”

Heather said she only uses the grocery app when she’s too busy with work to go to the store. “Because beef stew,” Heather said, but she also noted it’s hard to get the exact brands she ordered.

“The few times I’ve used it, I’ve noticed they often don’t have the brand I ordered and they substitute their own store brands, even though the website says ‘many in stock,’ ” Heather said. “It feels like a bait-and-switch.”

A 'Bum' Deal

Dana, a Levittown (Pennsylvania) Patch reader, knows how order fulfillment disappointment feels. She really does.

“During the great scavenger hunt for decent toilet paper during the early days of the pandemic, I ordered a big roll pack of Charmin on the Instacart app and thought I'd found the elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,” Dana said. “The euphoria did not last when I discovered a 36-roll pack of sandpaper grade TP in my delivery.

“The whole family was butt hurt over it (I just had to) but we laugh about it now,” Dana said. “Without hoarding, because we know how that turned out, we keep an ample supply of our favorite bum floss.

Dee, who reads Royal Oak Patch and Ferndale Patch, both in Michigan, said she has sometimes gotten other people’s orders. “This shopper shops for more than one order and mixes items up when begging,” Dee said.

‘Saves Time, Overall Aggravating’

Just as all salmon products are not created equal, neither are green vegetables.

“I ordered a pound of green beans and got 10 pounds of a mix of sugar snaps and pea pods,” Dee said. “I gave a lot of it to the neighbors.”

Plymouth-Canton (Michigan) Patch reader Sharon sticks with her preferred grocery store’s app and avoids those that allow shopping at multiple stores, which may be how Ginger ended up with the hammer and hacksaw blade.

Before making the switch, “instead of the fresh chicken breasts that were on sale I was given animal-shaped frozen chicken nuggets!” Sharon said.

A few other readers also reported mysterious meat replacements.

Brick (New Jersey) Patch reader Sandy, who said online grocery shopping “saves time but is overall aggravating,” said the weirdest substitution was “a terrible, over-salted piece of pre-cooked ham instead of a fresh loin chop.”

Milford (Connecticut) Patch reader Patty ordered a corned beef brisket and got a pork roast, but said the service is overall good and that she still uses it.

Bristol-Warren (Rhode Island) Patch and Seekonk-Swansea (Massachusetts) Patch reader Robin’s order contained ketchup as a substitute for pasta sauce. Robin likes the convenience of using an app “if not ordering produce.”

Patch reader Paula ordered sympathy cards. She got thank-you cards instead. Fairfax City (Virginia) Patch reader Marie, found five bunches of bananas in her order, while Crystal Lake-Cary (Illinois) Patch reader Kit was told when she ordered the fruit “that they had no bananas at the grocery store.”

Online delivery service is “hit or miss,” said Arlene, the reader who got pinto beans instead of cat food. “I never allow substitutions anymore.”

‘I Don’t Miss The People’

Patch reader Ellen uses a major retailer’s app for grocery delivery. She can customize her replacement preferences, from none at all to the best match.

“I usually click ‘do not replace,’ ” Ellen said. “The only time I chance it is with an ice cream flavor, because for me, all ice cream is good. I have always had the people pick the very best meats and fruits and never had an issue.”

Quality-of-life rewards are immense, Ellen said.

“I love the grocery delivery … and have not been in a store for well over a year,” she said. “No lines. No screaming kids with absent parents, no self-checkout. A personal shopper and delivered to my door.”

Bradley, a Rochester-Rochester Hills (Michigan) Patch reader, said his app tracks how many hours he’s saved by shopping online.

“I know I’m saving quite a bit of money, even with the delivery charge and tip, because I don’t make impulse purchases of convenience items with high markups,” he said. “My first job was bagging groceries. I know how loss-leaders work and the value of the end-cap display.”

“I don’t miss the people charging around with their carts, b lock aisles with conversations and screaming children on weekends, when most of us are able to shop” Bradley said. “Rude behavior all around, and the way some people treat clerks makes me lose hope in humanity.”

‘It’s A Game Changer’

Southwest Minneapolis Patch reader Diane starting watching her text messages more closely after getting a bag of brown sugar as a replacement for sandwich cookies. “The store manager shook her head as well and had the cookies delivered the same day,” Diane said.

The now widespread availability of online shopping and delivery service makes a huge difference in people’s lives, several readers said.

“It’s a game changer — love it!” said Newport News (Rhode Island) Patch reader Mimi, who did receive once receive radishes when she had ordered beets.

“Stores are smart to offer it from a business perspective,” Mimi said. “It keeps employees busy, provides valuable consumer behavior, information, reduces loss of inventory, and other advantages.”

“I am so thankful for this service,” said Diane, the Southwest Minneapolis Patch reader. “I live 400 miles from my mother who is 92 and legally blind. She lives alone and still runs her household. Every week she calls with her grocery list which I order. The next day, within an hour window, her groceries arrive and are brought into her kitchen.

Without this,” Diane said, “she would have had to leave her home years ago.”