BRYONY GORDON: I learned the hard way why women like Zara put up with toxic men
I once had a boyfriend who I am going to call Paul, not because that's his name, but because almost 25 years after we went out, I am still too scared to call him by his real one.
Paul was exceptionally handsome and funny and charming, but he was also pretty abusive, in a way I couldn't quite bring myself to accept at the time.
He would turn without warning. One moment he would be charm personified, the next he would be ranting and raving in a ball of rage that only dissipated after he had resorted to physical violence: a broken chair, a smashed glass and then, eventually, my arm, slammed in a door.
Luckily, it left no more than a few grazes and some residual pain, but as I cried in shock he threatened to call an ambulance, his tone suggesting that I was over-reacting. That I was the problem.
Another time, I came home from work with a bottle of wine for us to enjoy. But unbeknownst to me, Paul had lost his keys, and as I turned the corner to find him furiously pacing up and down the front path, it became immediately clear that this was my fault.
He grabbed the bottle from my hand and smashed it on the steps. Then he emptied my handbag onto the floor, grabbed my keys, bundled me through the door and ripped a necklace from my throat. It had been a 21st birthday gift from my mother a few weeks before, and now it lay in pieces on the floor, looking as flimsy as his temper.
The next morning, I woke up with bruises shaped like his fingers on my upper arms, and a boyfriend who was filled with remorse. He immediately ran out to buy me a new necklace.
That night, while out with friends, I wore a long-sleeved top to hide the bruises and the new necklace to hide the abuse. 'I broke it last night in a drunken stupor,' I explained to friends, 'and Paul surprised me by buying me a new one! How lovely is he?'
Zara McDermott said she did not report the training room abuse she received from her Strictly dance partner Graziano Di Prima, pictured with her, at the time because she was 'scared of victim-shaming'
Zara had dreamed of being on the flagship BBC entertainment show - but it turned sour
I didn't know what was worse: his abuse, or my attempts to cover it up and paint him as some sort of hero. I excused his behaviour because my self-esteem was so low I thought I was somehow responsible for it.
Paul could be so charming, and so genuinely apologetic, that I mistakenly assumed he wouldn't behave like this were it not for me. I was to blame for his outbursts, and if I could just be a bit quieter, a bit more restrained, a bit less gobby, there wouldn't be any problems. Right?
I was reminded of this moment in my life when I read Zara McDermott's statement about her experiences on Strictly, and why she was too scared to make a complaint at the time.
Graziano Di Prima, her dance partner, was this week sacked by the BBC due to his behaviour towards Zara, with him admitting to kicking her during their training. He has said he 'deeply regrets' what occurred, bleating that his 'intense passion and determination to win might have affected my training regime'.
'So much of my Strictly experience was everything I could have dreamed of,' Zara wrote on Instagram. 'The entire production team and everyone behind the scenes as well as my fellow contestants were so amazing to work with.
'However, my experience inside the training room was very different. Reports have been made about my treatment on the show and there were witnesses to some events, as well as videos of particular incidents which are incredibly distressing to watch. I have wrestled with the fear of opening up - I was scared about public backlash, I was scared about my future, I was scared of victim-shaming.'
Her words landed with a thud straight in the centre of my chest because, although our experiences were not identical, I knew exactly what she was talking about.
I remember plucking up the courage to tell an older female friend about Paul's behaviour. Her response? 'Well Bryony, you can be a bit tricky.'
Graziano was sacked by show bosses a week ago after video evidence of his behaviour was revealed to BBC investigators
Zara and Graziano doing their Halloween Week dance on Strictly
Years later, when I was finally free (he broke up with me for 'humiliating' him by talking to someone at a party), I was asked that awful question. 'Why did you stay?'
It was answered brilliantly by actress Rebecca Humphries in her memoir of the same name, which explored how she ended up normalising the toxic behaviour of her boyfriend Seann Walsh (ironically, Rebecca finally broke up with him when he was photographed snogging his Strictly partner on Rebecca's birthday in 2018). She writes that 'going out with someone who hurt her…fed her own sense of not being good enough'.
And therein lies the truth - we stay, because we think it's all we deserve.
But we also stay in toxic relationships - both personal, as in Rebecca's case, and professional, as in Zara's - because we learn that we are not supposed to make a fuss.
My blood ran cold when old Instagram posts emerged of Zara and Di Prima making light of his training techniques, because it reminded me of how easy it is to gaslight a woman who has been brought up in a culture that so often teaches women to gaslight themselves.
'Don't be such a drama queen!' is a refrain most of us will have heard as children, and one that Amanda Abbington heard as an adult when she dared to leave Strictly because of the difficult time she had with her partner, Giovanni Pernice. Under the circumstances, it's easy to see why Zara decided to stay quiet.
I'm so relieved that there are people who eventually spoke up for Zara, and I hope she is OK.
As for Paul... well, the last time I heard from him was a good 17 years ago, when he sent me a sinister text out of the blue to tell me that nobody would ever love me the way he had.
'Thank goodness for that,' I thought, deleting the text. I blocked his number and left the shame where it belonged: with him, not me.
Empty nest syndrome strikes at 11!
I sympathise with Fay Ripley, who joked that she intended to breastfeed her grandchildren to get through the pain of her children moving out. But her kids are adults, while my daughter is only 11, and going into her last week of primary school. Already, I am tearfully wondering how I will cope when she leaves school in seven years. Is there such a thing as 'Early Empty Nest Syndrome'?
Bryony is already feeling 'Early Empty Nest Syndrome' even though her daughter Edie is only 11 years old
Vital step for mental health
Amazing news that the Mental Health Act is finally being reformed, after the Tories broke endless promises to do so. These changes will make a huge difference to some of the most vulnerable people — and not a moment too soon.
But there's more to be done, as anyone who's tried to access help will know.
Here's hoping this is the start of something different: a government that actually walks the walk when it comes to mental health, instead of simply talking the talk.
Confidence Clinic
Hooray for Penny Lancaster, who has flown the flag for older women by wearing a barely-there bikini while on holiday in Sardinia. I'm of the opinion that the older you get, the less you should care, and so the smaller your swimsuits should become — until eventually, if you're lucky, you're 94 and sitting on a nudist beach in the South of France!
Penny Lancaster, aka Mrs Rod Stewart, soaks up the sun on holiday
The NHS is looking at sending out easy-to-use 'DIY' smear tests, potentially leading to an extra 400,000 cervical cancer checks a year.
We know screening uptake has declined, in part because it can be so unpleasant for some. This new cotton-bud like swab has been used across Europe for some time — so why have we had to wait so long?!
