Handsy Trump impersonators... the mean-girl CNN anchor who stared me down... and Vivek's secret Senate plan: KENNEDY's hilarious dispatch from inside the RNC that proves 2024 is even crazier than you think
On night three of the RNC, a new MAGA star was born.
Too bad for J.D. Vance, it wasn't him.
Being the dedicated correspondent that I am, I've been on the ground in Milwaukee since Tuesday to monitor all the GOP mayhem.
From my perch (at a convention site bar on Wednesday evening), it seemed that the keynote speaker was the least buzzed-about orator of the day.
As the bearded Beltway outsider took the stage, the audience's eyes dropped to their iPhones to read breaking news about President Joe Biden testing positive for COVID.
On night three of the RNC, a new MAGA star was born. Too bad for J.D. Vance , it wasn't him.
Being the dedicated correspondent that I am, I've been on the ground in Milwaukee since Tuesday to monitor all the GOP mayhem.
The delegates doom-scrolled and lol'd as Vance ranted about 'cheap Chinese goods [made] with cheap foreign labor.' (He better not check the labels on that 'Trump 2024' merch.)
In fact, no one looked up until Vance started telling the story of his self-described 'hillbilly' grandma who raised him in Rust Belt Ohio while his mother was addicted to drugs.
When 'Mamaw' died, Vance said, the family found 19 loaded handguns in her house, 'under her bed, in her closet, in the silverware drawer.'
Then Vance recognized his mother Bev, who was sitting next to Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, and heavily-mascaraed eyes (Not mine! My heart's too hard to ruin a good pair of falsies) welled with tears.
'I'm proud to say that tonight, my mom is here, 10 years clean and sober. I love you, Mom,' he said, prompting the convention crowd to erupt.
Though neither Bev nor even Mamaw stole MAGA hearts last night.
That prize went to 17-year-old Kai Trump, the former president's eldest granddaughter, who demonstrated the poise of a woman twice her age. She told the crowd, 'a lot of people have put my grandpa through hell, and he's still standing.'
It wasn't until Vance recognized his mother Bev, who was sitting next to Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, that heavily-mascaraed eyes (Not mine! My heart's too hard to ruin a good pair of falsies) welled with tears.
She's chip off the old orange block.
On the night that The Donald introduced his running mate to America – it was a Trump who grabbed all the headlines.
What's more Trumpian than that?
Assassination Chic
Donald's brush with death has sparked a surprisingly hot new fashion trend among the GOP 50-something set.
I met Joe Neglia, an Arizona delegate who taped a white envelope to his right ear.
He did it in solidarity with 45, who's been proudly parading around the hall with a big bandage over his badly disfigured right lobe.
The only downside is that already hard-of-hearing delegates have rendered themselves deaf.
I met Joe Neglia (pictured), an Arizona delegate who taped a white envelope to his right ear.
Milwaukee's Best?
On the convention floor, I also met one handsy, love-struck Trump impressionist donning a blond wig and MAGA hat who seemed, well, inebriated.
I feared he was going to pole vault into Fox News anchor Shannon Bream's broadcasting booth for a smooch.
Where's the Secret Service when you need them?
One-way ticket to Crazytown
At a book signing for MAGA rodeo clown Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, I happened across two Texas convention-goers, who had been waiting hours to meet their idol.
'It's going to be MTG and Congresswoman Lauren Boebert on top of the GOP tickets in 2028, mark our words,' swore Jan, as her friend Alice nodded in agreement.
Ah heck, in our bat poop-crazy politics that might just make sense.
At a book signing for MAGA rodeo clown Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene , I happened across two Texas convention-goers, who had been waiting hours to meet their idol.
Mean Girlz
Peckish journalists and attention-starved lawmakers got a chance to hobnob in CNN's unimaginatively named CNN Grill.
But when I grabbed a chopped salad and a Coke Zero I got an unwanted serving of side-eye from snotty CNN chief political correspondent Dana Bash.
At least the network's chief of chiefs knows how to charm a fangirl.
When Wolf Blitzer walked by, I screamed, 'Blitzer - you sexy beast!'
Without batting a silver eyelash, he responded, 'You've got that right.'
When I grabbed a chopped salad and a Coke Zero I got an unwanted serving of side-eye from snotty CNN chief political correspondent Dana Bash.
Muppets take Milwaukee
Speaking of Silver Foxes - who was that handsome man with glowing rugged skin and luscious salt-and-pepper waves?
The new Golden Bachelor? Sam Eagle from The Muppets?
No, it was the captivatingly boring North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum fresh off losing the Veep-lympics.
'Hey, Doug!' I called, 'I thought it was going to be you. You were at the top of my list.'
He gave me the reassuring look of a man who had just been told that his tumor was benign.
'It's ok, I have the greatest job in the world,' said Burgum.
'Ah, yes,' I said. 'You're the Dakota Governor who didn't shoot their dog!'
Speaking of Silver Fox's - who was that handsome man with glowing rugged skin and luscious salt-and-pepper waves?
Unleash Elise!
I strolled passed by New York Congresswoman Elise Stefanik as she was basking in her post-convention speech adulation.
She won over conservatives in December when she dressed down serial plagiarist/antisemite apologist ex-Harvard President Claudine Gay.
'I hope you do to the Secret Service Director what you did to Claudine Gay!' I yelled.
'Oh, don't worry,' she replied. 'I have plenty of questions.'
I strolled passed by New York Congresswoman Elise Stefanik as she was basking in her post-convention speech adulation.
Rudy can fail
You could almost hear the Merlot sloshing when America's Mayor did a slow-motion, a** over tea kettle stumble into a row of folding chairs on Wednesday afternoon.
It took two burly staffers to get Rudy Giuliani back on his feet.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen and can't get up.
It took two burly staffers to get him back on his feet. Oh, how the mighty have fallen and can't get up.
'Shut up Gaetz'
Bad boy Florida Congressman Matty Gaetz marred the RNC's unity-themed night on Tuesday when he bum-rushed former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, who was in the middle of an interview.
The two have had beef ever since McCarthy said Gaetz begged him to quash a House investigation into claims that Gaetz paid a teen for sex.
Gaetz started screeching at McCarthy: 'If you were on that [convention] stage you'd get booed off. You would get booed off the stage.'
One Illinois delegate spoke for all of us when he got into Gaetz's face and said: 'Shut up Gaetz… you're an a**hole.'
Tight and Shiny
I caught up with the fuming Floridian myself before his speech on Wednesday.
His taut forehead gleamed like the underside of a stretched beaver pelt.
Bad boy Florida Congressman Matty Gaetz (pictured) marred RNC unity-themed night on Tuesday when he bum-rushed former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy , who was in the middle of an interview.
'You speaking tonight?' I asked.
Gaetz: 'Nah, tomorrow. I've had to rewrite my speech 87 times… I wanted to talk about the assassination attempt, but they don't want anyone to touch it.'
'You know me,' he said. 'I'm going to tell it like it is, I'm a straight shooter.'
Gulp!
Eat your Wheaties
Outside the Fiserv Forum, where the magic is happening, you can find a glittering array of overpriced Chinese-made MAGA merch.
A box of 'Trump cereal' will set you back $20. Same for the 'I'm Voting For The Felon' T-shirt.
A box of 'Trump cereal' will set you back $20. Same for the 'I'm Voting For The Felon' T-shirt.
It's all guaranteed to get you kicked out of your millennial niece's baby-naming… or your money back!
Vivek in the House!
I ran into ex-motormouth GOP hopeful and Jimmy Neutron-impersonator Vivek Ramaswamy on the Fox News set of Gutfeld! Wednesday night.
'Looks like there actually will be a Vivek in the White House!' I said. (J.D. Vance and his wife Usha have a son named Vivek)
For that, I got a chuckle and a scoop: Vivek might run for Vance's Senate seat.
