Cynical Humor Quotes

“I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.”
― Criss Jami, Healology

“Erotic: meaning you're "desired."
For madness is seductive, sexy. Female madness.
So long as the female is reasonably young and attractive.”
― Joyce Carol Oates, Blonde

“It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half.”
― Jess C. Scott, Blind Leading Another

“I’ve been waiting my whole life to fuck up like this.”
― Robert Stone, Dog Soldiers

“I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”
― Paddy Chayefsky, Network [Screenplay]

“Anyway, that's what life is, just one learning experience after another, and when you're through with all the learning experiences you graduate and what you get for a diploma is, you die.”
― Frederik Pohl, Gateway

“Ninety percent of the people are not happy with their jobs. The remaining ten percent don’t deserve their jobs in the first place.”
― Abhaidev, That Thing About You

“Nobody has any rights unless they've got a machine gun.”
― Kent Anderson, Night Dogs

“Our town was known for two things--no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption.”
― Angela Elwell Hunt, Magdalene

“Everyone is awful in their own special way.”
― W.H. Mitchell

“I would like at this moment to announce that I will be retiring from this program in two weeks' time because of poor ratings. Since this show is the only thing I had going for me in my life, I've decided to kill myself. I'm going to blow my brains out right on this program a week from today. So tune in next Tuesday. That should give the public relations people a week to promote the show. You ought to get a hell of a rating out of that. 50 share, easy.”
― Paddy Chayefsky, Network [Screenplay]

“Life's a jumble of farce and melodrama, the chaotic scribbling of a third-rate penny-a-liner. We mock it to keep from going mad--or at least to display our good taste.”
― Gary Inbinder, The Hanged Man: A Mystery in Fin de Siecle Paris

“Breslin gives me his wise-teacher smile, which is kind and crinkly and would make me feel warm all over if I was dumber than a bag of hair.”
― Tana French, The Trespasser

“I'm at a certain age and a stage whereby I've met a good number of human beings, as well as many a dog. Thereby I've come to believe that almost all humans are scumbags. And all dogs are far better beings; and the chosen ones of God.”
― fakeer ishavardas

“Yeah, I assure you I hear you perfectly. But my ears don't do so as deftly.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“Be good, you! no good.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“The thing with politicians is that though they spit differently yet they shit similarly.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“The vibe here is very "let's kill a virgin, and write a Led Zepplin album about it".”
― Rainbow Rowell, Carry On

“The cynics are right nine times out of ten.”
― Henry Louis Mencken

“Yeah, yeah, I know you take pride in who you are. However, do not pass away without getting What Is. Or you'll die as you are - dumb, as a religious nut. Of course, you may prefer to stay as you are. In that case, best of luck.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“I'm going to start a religion in the name of my pal up there, Mr. NOT. I am going to call it nuttism. All nuts are welcome. And by that I mean you all, following every other nutty ism.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“Evolution could be true. Apes lick their nuts. Religious nuts do too.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“Diogenes was a cynic at his best. He was in search of an honest man but not an hones woman.”
― Ljupka Cvetanova, The New Land

“An everyday Doomsayer in sandwich board abruptly walked away from what, over the last several days, had been his pitch, by the gates of a museum. The sign on his front was an oldschool Prophecy of the End. The one bobbing on his back read 'forget it.”
― China Miéville, Kraken

“The milk of human kindness curdles quickly.”
― Garon Whited, Fugue

“The Patrician steepled his hands and looked at Vimes over the top of them.
'Let me give you some advice, Captain,' he said.
'Yes, sir?'
'It may help you make some sense of the world.'
'Sir.'
'I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are the good people and the bad people,' said the man. 'You're wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides.”
― Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

“One day you’re the queen of the hill. The next day you’re invisible. And by day, I mean decade – with the dead tucked between the C and the E. Oh, foolish, cynical me!”
― Caroline Hurry, Reign: 16 secrets from 6 Queens to rule your world with clarity, connection & sovereignty

“Everybody’s on your side until they need something from you.”
― Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

“God had given him a tail to keep the flies off, but that he would sooner have no tail and no flies”
― George Orwell, Animal Farm

“- Hi is Mrs Eigen here?
- All out of them.
- Oh, then would, would you like to buy some greeting cards then?
- Tom got a boy here selling greeting cards, what grade are you in.
- Six M, Mrs Manzinel ...
- Tom boy out here working his way through six N selling greeting cards. What's the greetings.
- Well see these are all occasion cards, like for all different occasions they're all ...
- All occasion cards Tom, got them for all different occasions.
- Like birthdays, anniversary, you know all these different occasions like ..
- Got a friend jumped out a window, got a card for that?
- Well gee I, maybe get well...
- Can't get well, went home and hung himself got a card for that?
- Well gee I, I don't think so but maybe you could ...
- Got a woman on alimony sleeping with a book salesman hell of an occasion, got a card for that?
- Well gee I, like here's sympathy maybe you could ..
- Jack God damn it what are you, hello Chris what is it.
- Oh hi Mister Eigen I, I was just selling these greeting cards ...
- Says they're for all occasions Tom but every God damned occasion I can think of is ...
- Jack shut up will you?”
― William Gaddis, J R