Humerous Quotes

“Why?' He asked.
'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“I read the title from the cover. ' 'The joy of... crap.' ' I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.
Noah turned over on to his side and said with mock seriousness, 'I have never read 'The Joy Of Crap'. Sounds disgusting.' I blushed deeper. 'I have, however, read 'The Joy Of Sex.' ' He continued, a smile transforming his face. 'Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?'
'I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?'
'Elvish.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

“Why are you putting on lip gloss, my daughter?" Dad asked ." Trip to the library? Trip to the nunnery? I hear the nunneries are nice this time of year." "Not a date; I still remember Claud," Rusty said, and grabbed her ankle. " I forbid it." "You introduced me to Claud," Kami pointed out. "I'm a bad person," Rusty mumbled. "I do bad things." "Is this true, Kami? Are you going out on a date?" Dad asked tragically. "wearing that? Wouldn't you fancy a shapeless cardigan instead? You rock a shapeless cardigan honey.”
― Sarah Rees Brennan, Unspoken

“It is not a Christmas tree!" said the King, so firmly that all the girls stopped jumping about. "This is a house of mourning. It is nothing more than a tree. I thought it would look nice. Inside. That is all.”
― Heather Dixon, Entwined

“Okay, I'll take the pink one with the torn ear.'
The guy behind the counter scratches his neck. "Are you being serious?"
Her face is stoic. 'Absolutely. I never kid about teddy bears.”
― Jessica Sorensen, The Coincidence of Callie & Kayden

“Holy granola!”
― Kelly Creagh, Nevermore

“The King had advertised the old magic tea set, but for some reason, no one wanted sugar teeth that could gouge their eyes out.”
― Heather Dixon

“Alan Grant: "There are... far too many words written. Millions and millions of them pouring from the presses every minute. It's a horrible thought."

The Midget (his nurse): "You sound constipated.”
― Josephine Tey, The Daughter of Time

“You're not going to turn into a wanker, are you?" says Tone, opening a can of larger.

"What do you mean?"

"He means you're not going to get all studenty on us," says Spencer.

"Well, I am a student. I mean, I will be, so,..."

"No, but I mean you're not gong to get all twatty and up-your-own-arse and come home at Christmas in a gown, talking Latin and saying "one does" and "one thinks" and all that..."

"Yeah, Tone, that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do.”
― David Nicholls, Starter for Ten

“Aw, come on, it's just hot as hell there and my AC doesn't even make a dent. Let's try for something cooler."
~ Loki ~”
― Lora Leigh, Lawe's Justice

“Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!”
― Regina Griffin

“We all look back at some time or other and wonder why we didn't listen to our instincts. Why did we hestiate? Why did we lose our dreams?”
― Diane Griffith, Chasing Dreams in Lefkas

“Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet!
I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy.”
― Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, Alice on the Outside

“Medicine’s suppose to taste bad. If it’s bad enough, you get well just so you don’t have to drink any more of it.”
― Polgara the sorceress

“Alle donne non si devono mai regalare fotografie, ne fanno sempre cattivo uso.”
― Gunter Grass

“Truth like beauty seems to be in the eye and mind of the beholder.”
― Helene Munson

“In life...better that your computer mouse die...than your rabbit.”
― Timothy Pina

“The wee little people that live in my head won't let Gulliver go.”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

“Nothing smells worse than a mans restroom in a bar, well that's what the lady told me when I called her number from the wall.”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

“Because of Face book, Twitter, MySpace and Stumble Upon, the Home Shopping Network is probably losing millions of dollars.”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

“You aren’t allowed back until you’ve learned to willingly suspend disbelief.”
― Rebecca Murphy, Plucking Cupid's Bow

“I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.”
― Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, Alice on the Outside

“scary mommy confession #80920

" I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my two year old permanent markers and play-doh. next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack.”
― jill smokler, Motherhood Comes Naturally

“Stiles opens with, “Were all the other good lurking spots in town taken?”
“Just passing through.”
“Uh-huh. It’s like a glacial passage, though, right? Because you’ve been doing it for about three hours now.”
― Stillane, To Have Outlived the Night

“How do you feel' Georgie?" whispered Mrs Weasley.
George's fingers groped for the side of his head.
"Saint-like," he murmured.
"What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?"
"Saint-like," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "you see ... I'm holy. Holey, Fred, geddit?"
Miss Weasley sobbed harder than ever. Colour flooded Fred's pale face.
"Pathetic," he told George. "pathetic! With the whole wide world of ear-related humour before you, you go for holey?"
"Ah well," said George, grinning at his tear-socked mother. "You'll be able to tell us apart now, anyway mum.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“That's a charming story," Alaric said, glancing at Ayda. "What's the moral? Never marry an elf?"

"Never anger an elf," she corrected him.

"Probably good advice," Alaric said.”
― J.A. Andrews, A Threat of Shadows

“Gaps. I loathe gaps. Gaps in doors, gaps in windows, gaps in bathroom tiles, long gaps between sequels to books. But you know which gaps I hate the most?”
― Jasper Fforde, Early Riser

“Raymond Tullock is like most men. His balls tell hiim he should be in charge, but his brain's just not big enough to steer the load.”
― Randy Wayne White, Captiva

“These are my car wineglasses. I always carry a pair”
― Lucy Score, Things We Never Got Over