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Humour Quotes
Quotes tagged as "humour"
Showing 181-210 of 7,729
“I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.”
― The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe
― The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe
“Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.”
― EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
― EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't.”
―
―
“The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the 'Star Spangled Banner', but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.”
― The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
― The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
“He was sure people detested accountants; they were boring. In fact, he had put down his profession as an airline pilot on the form he had filled in for a dating agency. As an airline pilot you could be away just the right amount of time, when you needed a break from your love life, without facing awkward questions from her when you got back.”
― Get Rich or Get Lucky
― Get Rich or Get Lucky
“The world is full of magic. You’ve just got to learn how to access it.”
― Get Rich or Get Lucky
― Get Rich or Get Lucky
“Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.”
― Mort
― Mort
“Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.”
―
―
“I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.”
― Skulduggery Pleasant
― Skulduggery Pleasant
“Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french
fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
Maybe it was the fact that we were so tired and strung out emotionally, but I started
cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at us. "I do not
understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And…" Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam T-shirt."
I busted up, and I probably would've kept laughing all day, but then I heard a noise:
"Moooo."
The smile melted off my face. I wondered if the noise was just in my head, but Grover
had stopped laughing too. He was looking around, confused. "Did I just hear a cow?"
"A dam cow?" Thalia laughed.”
― The Titan’s Curse
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french
fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
Maybe it was the fact that we were so tired and strung out emotionally, but I started
cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at us. "I do not
understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And…" Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam T-shirt."
I busted up, and I probably would've kept laughing all day, but then I heard a noise:
"Moooo."
The smile melted off my face. I wondered if the noise was just in my head, but Grover
had stopped laughing too. He was looking around, confused. "Did I just hear a cow?"
"A dam cow?" Thalia laughed.”
― The Titan’s Curse
“You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons.”
― Johnny and the Bomb
― Johnny and the Bomb
“Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.”
―
―
“It does little good to regret a choice. So often people say, “If only I had known,” implying they would’ve acted differently in a given situation. It is true that desires of the moment can blind one’s sight of the future. Revenge is not as sweet as the adage claims. Yet who could pass a chance to taste it? And if the chance were allowed to slip by, would the fool regret his lack of action? ”
― Sheever's Journal, Diary of a Poison Master
― Sheever's Journal, Diary of a Poison Master
“My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ”
―
―
“Now-what’s our game plan?”
Coach Hedge belched. He’d already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would’ve eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand.
“Climb the mountain,” Hedge said. “Kill everything except Piper’s dad. Leave.”
“Thank you General Eisenhower,” Jason grumbles.”
― The Lost Hero
Coach Hedge belched. He’d already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would’ve eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand.
“Climb the mountain,” Hedge said. “Kill everything except Piper’s dad. Leave.”
“Thank you General Eisenhower,” Jason grumbles.”
― The Lost Hero
“...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.”
― Black Skin, White Masks
― Black Skin, White Masks
“Buying loyalty can be as effective as fear when one’s rival is poorer than oneself.”
― Sheever's Journal, Diary of a Poison Master
― Sheever's Journal, Diary of a Poison Master
“...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'
What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'
Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.”
― A Confederacy of Dunces
What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'
Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.”
― A Confederacy of Dunces
“A man when he is making up to anybody can be cordial and gallant and full of little attentions and altogether charming. But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep.”
― The Mystery of the Blue Train
― The Mystery of the Blue Train
“And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.”
― The Amulet of Samarkand
― The Amulet of Samarkand
“Kaz reached into his coat pocket. "Here," he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover.
"Are we going to read to each other?"
"Just flip it open to the back."
Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?"
"Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face."
"My face has character. Besides - oh!"
"An excellent read, isn't it?"
"Who knew I had a taste for literature?”
― Six of Crows
"Are we going to read to each other?"
"Just flip it open to the back."
Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?"
"Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face."
"My face has character. Besides - oh!"
"An excellent read, isn't it?"
"Who knew I had a taste for literature?”
― Six of Crows
“According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn't get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants."
"Dang it!" Frank Barked, which Leo figured was probably severe profanity for him.
No doubt Frank would've cursed some more -busting out the golly gees and the gosh darns- but Percy interrupted by doubling over and groaning.
"Did the world just turn upside down?" he asked.
Jason pressed his hands to his head. "Yeah, and it's spinning. Everything is yellow. Is it supposed to be yellow?”
―
"Dang it!" Frank Barked, which Leo figured was probably severe profanity for him.
No doubt Frank would've cursed some more -busting out the golly gees and the gosh darns- but Percy interrupted by doubling over and groaning.
"Did the world just turn upside down?" he asked.
Jason pressed his hands to his head. "Yeah, and it's spinning. Everything is yellow. Is it supposed to be yellow?”
―
“If I looked like him,” Tara said. “I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.”
― Simply Irresistible
― Simply Irresistible
“I kind of have to go to the bathroom," Aria said woozily.
Ezra smiled. "Can I come?”
― Pretty Little Liars
Ezra smiled. "Can I come?”
― Pretty Little Liars
“I am never taking a trip with either of you ever again.' Eve said. 'Ever.'
Excellent' Shane said. 'Then next trip, we hit the strip bar.'
I have a gun, Shane,' Eve sighed.
What, you think i actually loaded yours?'
Eve flipped him off, and Claire laughed.”
― Kiss of Death
Excellent' Shane said. 'Then next trip, we hit the strip bar.'
I have a gun, Shane,' Eve sighed.
What, you think i actually loaded yours?'
Eve flipped him off, and Claire laughed.”
― Kiss of Death
“One of the lambs fixed its attention on Jared. “Baa,” it flirted.
“Boo,” said Jared.
“Oh my God, Jared. Don’t tough-talk the lambs.”
"It was giving me a funny look.”
― Unspoken
“Boo,” said Jared.
“Oh my God, Jared. Don’t tough-talk the lambs.”
"It was giving me a funny look.”
― Unspoken
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