Humour Quotes

“In twenty-four hours we have gone through more than anyone else has - I'm sure of it. But does that bind two people? Or does that just make us survivors?”
― Carl Novakovich, The Watchers: The Tomb

“Tree said, Thanks for everything. It’s been nice knowing you. You too, said Cress. Will you be OK? I’m a tree. I’ve done this a thousand times before. Done what? Goodbyes. Really? Think about it. Leaves”
― Sarah Winman, Still Life

“I'm afraid I don't know WTF. I only discovered LOL from Joyce last week. I'm going to assume that it doesn't refer to the Warsaw Transit Facility, as that was shut down in 1981 when the Russians came sniffing.”
― Richard Osman, The Thursday Murder Club

“Good morning!" Coren crowed. "The sun is rising, the day is still young, and it is time for you to continue the perilous flight for your life!”
― H.S.J. Williams, Moonscript

“Just look at that beastly duck cooking at my stove!" Cried Mrs Gregg as she flew past the kitchen window. "How dare she!”
― Roald Dahl, The Magic Finger

“There is no great dark man.
Even under an exterior as rugged as a mountain range, there lurks the same wounded, wincing psyche that cripples the rest of us. Where we are led to think we will find strength, we shall discover force; where we hope for ruthlessness, we shall unearth spite; and when we think we are clinging desperately to a rock, it is falling upon us.”
― Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant

“Drina is not terrifyingly muscled. Her underdeveloped calves tell me she's not a runner. Her bad posture tells me she has little to no energy. She might be good with a sword, but I deem that unlikely.

I fail to find a solid reason not to punch her in the face.”
― mc pending, Untouchable

“How would you make a prince bow to you?"
"Easy, with an arrow in his knee.”
― Lucy Tempest, Dreamer of Briarfell

“I tried,’ she murmured. ‘After the war with Gaia, I convinced myself everything would be perfect. For a while, a few months maybe, I thought it was. Jason’s great. He’s my closest friend, even more than Annabeth. But –’ she spread her hands – ‘whatever I thought was there, my happily-ever-after … it just wasn’t.’

I nodded. ‘Your relationship was born in crisis. Such romances are difficult to sustain once the crisis is over.’

‘It wasn’t just that.’

‘A century ago, I dated Grand Duchess Tatiana Romanov,’ I recalled. ‘Things were great between us during the Russian Revolution. She was so stressed, so scared, she really needed me. Then the crisis passed, and the magic just wasn’t there any more. Wait, actually, that could’ve been because she was shot to death along with the rest of her family, but still –”
― Rick Riordan, The Burning Maze

“— ...Кажется, снег повалит.
— И вовсе не снег, пан Мразек, это души повешенных. Они туда по ночам слетаются, — тоном знатока объяснил молодой адвокат по уголовным делам.
Пан Мразек с облегчением уловил гудок подъезжающего поезда.”
― Jiří Marek, Panoptic praghez

“I gave her the remote and she chose a channel showing Inglourious Basterds. She said the title was spelled that way because Tarantino had misspelled it in a leaked screenplay and then insisted he’d done it on purpose.”
― Naoise Dolan, Exciting Times

“He’s doing it partly out of guilt. A week previously Marianne gave him head in his apartment and complained afterwards that her jaw hurt, and he was like, do you have to complain about everything all the time?”
― Sally Rooney, At the Clinic

“Can’t you see the danger all around you?”
Daniel the shoemaker walked up to them and abruptly put a baby lamb in Keeley’s arms. “For your mum. Tell her I’ll get her the baby goat in another week or two.”
They stared at the lamb bleating in Keeley’s arms as Daniel returned to his shop.
“Yes, Sister, the danger is everywhere.”
― G.A. Aiken, The Blacksmith Queen

“You called demons to help you. That doesn’t bother you? That they’re evil?”
“Evil? What makes you think they’re evil?” Keeley asked, truly confused.
She pointed her sword. “Flames. They all have flames instead of eyes! That doesn’t bother you?”
“As long as I don’t put my hands right on their faces, I—”
“That’s not what I mean!”
― G.A. Aiken, The Blacksmith Queen

“A line from the Joe Walsh song reverberated in my head. ‘ “Nature loves her little surprises,” ’ I said.

Piper snorted. ‘She sure does.’

I stared at the rows of Caligula’s outfits – everything from wedding gowns to Armani suits to gladiator armour.

‘It’s been my observation,’ I said, ‘that you humans are more than the sum of your history. You can choose how much of your ancestry to embrace. You can overcome the expectations of your family and your society
. What you cannot do, and should never do, is try to be someone other than yourself – Piper McLean.’

She gave me a wry smile. ‘That’s nice. I like that. You’re sure you’re not the god of wisdom?’

‘I applied for the job,’ I said, ‘but they gave it to someone else. Something about inventing olives.’ I rolled my eyes.”
― Rick Riordan, The Burning Maze

“If the fridge did sink, it would also be a considerable inconvenience to bathers who would have to learn the exact position of the wrecked fridge or risk the
agony of their toes ramming into its rusting metal shell. In the future, it might even appear on naval charts of these waters, novitiate navigators baffled by the small white cuboid marked as a hazard just off the shore.”
― Tony Hawks, Round Ireland with a Fridge

“If the fridge did sink, it would also be a considerable inconvenience to bathers who would have to learn the exact position of the wrecked fridge or risk the agony of their toes ramming into its rusting metal shell. In the future, it might even appear on naval charts of these waters, novitiate navigators baffled by the small white cuboid marked as a hazard just off the shore.”
― Tony Hawks, Round Ireland with a Fridge

“It had been done, the fridge had surfed, and what is more I had photographic evidence, provided I didn’t screw up with the film again.”
― Tony Hawks, Round Ireland with a Fridge

“Have you played tennis on that tennis court?’ I asked.
‘Oh, don’t talk to me about tennis,’ he complained, ‘my kids have been dying to
have a game ever since we got here, but they can’t’
‘Why not?’
‘There aren’t any tennis balls on the island.’
‘You’re joking.’
‘I’m not. Not one. The shop’s run out and the guy who was supposed to bring some out from the mainland forgot’

Island life encapsulated.”
― Tony Hawks, Round Ireland with a Fridge

“Screw the social ladder. Choose to levitate.”
― Omar Cherif

“People who live in unstable places have brilliantly dark senses of humour. Even when Yemen was getting bombed, Yemenis would be telling you the most inappropriate jokes.”
― Ella Al-Shamahi

“We conduct business meetings so much better on beer.”
― Rachel Bergsma, The Ibu Chronicles: Life is Funnier than Fiction

“I find my Zen moments in a bottle of beer.”
― Rachel Bergsma, The Ibu Chronicles: Life is Funnier than Fiction

“She loves her garden. Dad joked that she spent more time on her knees out there than in the church. She answered that she had her doubts about a God who had created bindweed.”
― Dave Appleby, Motherdarling

“Sons love mothers, mothers love their sons? It’s sentimental nonsense uttered only by the fools who purchase greeting cards and, in another and much darker sense, by Freudians.”
― Dave Appleby, Motherdarling

“He had come from the humblest of backgrounds, born in a cottage he had built with his own hands”
― Richard Flanagan, Gould's Book of Fish: A Novel in Twelve Fish

“the sensation now sprinting up her spine was turning her nipples into lethal weapons”
― Heidi Rice, One Wild Night with Her Enemy

“It is humanly impossible to be unhappy while you are dancing or laughing willingly.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“True to a point, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to tell Cahil that his horse had asked me for some milk oats. And I was certain he didn't want to know that his own horse had called him Peppermint Man.”
― Maria V. Snyder, Magic Study

“And if you weren’t a fool, a common fool, a perfect fool, if you were an original
instead of a translation … you see, Rodya, I recognise you’re a clever fellow, but you’re a fool!”
― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment