Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.”
As someone who has worked in L
Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.”
As someone who has worked in Los Angeles, I can tell you that this is completely accurate.
While Harry Potter was spending his summers at the Dursleys, Percy Jackson attended Camp Half-Blood. This book has done the impossible: it has redeemed the name of Percy.
Yes, that's right, that snot-faced, lily-livered waste of air of the very same name from the Harry Potter universe. That name is now relegated to the ranks of "acceptable," because of my love for this book.
Perseus (Percy) Jackson is the kind of kid with whom you can't help sympathizing. He is the type that's born under a dark star, because inevitably, wherever he goes, whatever he does, however good his intentions, he can't help but fuck everything up. Everything that can, does and will go wrong. A simple field trip can turn into a disaster in seconds.
Jay-Z's got 99 problems, Percy might have more. He nearly flunks all his classes, he's got dyslexia, he's got ADHD, and then there's Nancy Bobofit.
Nancy Bobofit appeared in front of me with her ugly friends—I guess she’d gotten tired of stealing from the tourists—and dumped her half-eaten lunch in Grover’s lap. “Oops.” She grinned at me with her crooked teeth. Her freckles were orange, as if somebody had spray-painted her face with liquid Cheetos.
Nancy Bobofit is not a major character in the book. I have to mention her because her character resounded with me. I had my own Nancy Bobofit back in grade school, only her name is Mimi. Nearly 2 decades later, the memory of her horrible face still makes me shudder. But I digress.
As if the bullies aren't bad enough, his dad is a no-show, his stepfather is LITERALLY named Ugli, and there are crones foretelling Percy's death as well as a minotaur chasing his ass around. AND NOBODY'S TELLING HIM A SINGLE FUCKING THING. What's with all the secrecy, man?
As it turned out, Percy is *whispers* special. He is a half-blood, meaning one of his parents is a Greek deity. He gets sent to Camp Half-Blood, with roughly 100 other kids like him.
It's a freaky place for a kid who's known nothing but relative normalcy his entire life. All of a sudden, he's playing Pinochle with a Greek God (Dionysus---what a drunk), his best friend Grover turns out to be a satyr, and the gorgeous blond girl who rescues him thinks he's a doofus and she keeps calling him "seaweed brain."
To be fair, Percy had it coming. He is kind of a seaweed brain.
"Another time, Athena and Poseidon competed to be the patron god for the city of Athens. Your dad created some stupid saltwater spring for his gift. My mom created the olive tree. The people saw that her gift was better, so they named the city after her.” “They must really like olives.” “Oh, forget it.” “Now, if she’d invented pizza—that I could understand.” “I said, forget it!”
Not your best moment, Percy.
As it turned out, Percy IS special. His dad is one of the Big Three gods. Which kind of sucks, because that's not supposed to happen.
“About sixty years ago, after World War II, the Big Three agreed they wouldn’t sire any more heroes. Their children were just too powerful."
A lot of people would think it was pretty cool to have such a powerful dad...not really.
Now that I was declared a son of one of the Big Three gods who weren’t supposed to have kids, I figured it was a crime for me just to be alive.
Not only does Percy have to struggle to fit in at Camp Half-Blood, but there's some shit going on in Mount Olympus. The gods are fighting again (when are they not)...
"During the winter solstice, at the last council of the gods, Zeus and Poseidon had an argument. The usual nonsense: ‘Mother Rhea always liked you best,’ ‘Air disasters are more spectacular than sea disasters,’ et cetera."
...and consequently, like a brother playing a prank on his younger siblings, someone's stuff was stolen. And Zeus thinks that his bro, Poseidon, put Percy up to it.
Of course, blame the poor kid. Now Percy is shit out of luck YET AGAIN, and he's got no choice but to go on this huge stupid quest into the underworld (Los Angeles, ha!) to clear his name.
He's not alone, he's accompanied by the snarky, gorgeous, fiercely competent Annabeth (she of the seaweed brain name-calling), as well as the most incompetent satyr that ever lived.
In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart’s Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff’s “So Yesterday,” both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.
It's going to be a loooooooong trip to the Underworld.
The Setting: THIS. THIS IS HOW YOU DO GREEK MYTHOLOGY. I am a Greek mythology buff. I FUCKING LOVED THIS BOOK. This book is just absolutely fucking perfect in every way when it comes to rewriting and reinterpreting the Greek pantheon. It is so hilariously, awesomely irreverent, but completely fitting. The gods are reimagined, but they stay true to their true nature, and the myths are retold in a cheeky, flippant manner that had me giggling my ass off. This book is so fantastically snarky to the Greek gods. Everything is incredibly well-explained to a lay audience, like how the Greek gods can't seem to keep it in their pants.
Annabeth nodded. “Your father isn’t dead, Percy. He’s one of the Olympians.” “That’s...crazy.” “Is it? What’s the most common thing gods did in the old stories? They ran around falling in love with humans and having kids with them. Do you think they’ve changed their habits in the last few millennia?”
And apparently, the habit runs true for both male and female goddesses.
“What? You assume it has to be a male god who finds a human female attractive? How sexist is that?”
The existence of Greek gods and goddesses themselves are well explained, and believable.
“Come now, Percy. What you call ‘Western civilization.’ Do you think it’s just an abstract concept? No, it’s a living force. A collective consciousness that has burned bright for thousands of years. The gods are part of it." "Did the West die? The gods simply moved, to Germany, to France, to Spain, for a while. Wherever the flame was brightest, the gods were there. They spent several centuries in England. All you need to do is look at the architecture. People do not forget the gods."
I had my doubts about the execution of the premise of Greek mythology, and all my doubts have been destroyed. his book does great justice to the Greek gods, it is the most faithful rendition than I have ever read.
The Characters: Yes, Percy is a special snowflake, but HELL, I LOVED THE LITTLE SHIT. He's got a special destiny. He is a special child. I DON'T CARE. Percy is such a sympathetic character, and although he won't be replacing Harry Potter in my heart any time soon, there is a special spot for him. He can give up pretty fast. He's kind of a wimp, but you know, finding out that you're a hald-blooded demigod is kind of a big deal, and I understand his attitude of "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE."
I didn’t know what else to do. I waved back. “Don’t encourage them,” Annabeth warned. “Naiads are terrible flirts.” “Naiads,” I repeated, feeling completely overwhelmed. “That’s it. I want to go home now.”
He doesn't really want to do anything big. He's pretty stupid sometimes (Auntie Em, geez), he's not exactly heroic. He only does the heroic shit when there are no other options.
“All right,” I said. “It’s better than being turned into a dolphin.”
I loved Annabeth, she is all I could want from a female supporting character. I can't say that I'm fond of Grover...but I can't help feeling that we'll be seeing more of him in the future.
“But a quest to . . .” Grover swallowed. “I mean, couldn’t the master bolt be in some place like Maine? Maine’s very nice this time of year.”
Overall: a fantastic book. A good middle grade book makes you feel like a child again, and this book did just the trick. I found myself giggling throughout the book, and an hour after reading it, there's still a smile on my face that can't be wiped off....more
If Harry Potter is the sort of book you give a child to start them on a lifelong love of reading, The Divide is the sort of book you give your child iIf Harry Potter is the sort of book you give a child to start them on a lifelong love of reading, The Divide is the sort of book you give your child if you want them to spend the rest of their childhood staring at an iPad playing Candy Crush because books are dumb.
It probably makes me a horrible person for hating the shit out of a book in which the main character has a would-be-fatal heart disease and doomed to a young death. I don't even care.
Do you know what a jabbermawibbly is? A ragglegymook? Completely fucking made up names for creatures that should have been fucking commonplace fantasy creatures? Do you want to fucking memorize what it is for fucking hundreds of fucking pages. I can't. I couldn't be fucked to. Here is a list of the creatures in this book and their equivalents in our world (if there are any). Memorize them because you're not gonna fucking know what the fuck they are otherwise.
So yeah, every single time I fucking read about a Japergrin or a Diggeluk or a Sinistrom, I had to fucking look it up because I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER. What the pretentious ass-shittery is this?! A no-horn?! REALLY?! REALLY?!
It is horrible. It is forgettable. 30 minutes after reading the book, I've almost completely forgotten every fucking thing about it. I probably shouldn't curse so much in a children's book review, but who the fuck cares, this book was so fucking bad. I usually take 2 pages of notes for the books I read. I have roughly 10 quotes for this book because it was so fucking dumb and boring and completely unmemorable in every way.
Don't read this book. Just don't.
Some of you may believe that I deliberately read bad books. This is not the case. It IS the case in for this book, why? Here's the story.
During winter break, my sister came home from college. She came up to me with a book and was like "You review books, right? Here's a book you should read. I read it when I was 10, and I thought it was fucking horrible. I want to see what you think."
My sister has always been one of those terrifyingly smart children. She is far more intelligent than I will ever be, and I am constantly in awe of how capable and awesome she is. I love her, I trust her opinion implicitly. Even at 10 years old, she was that smart, and so when she told me this book was going to be horrible, I believe her.
Which is why I read this book. As a favor, knowing it would be bad. And man, baby sis was right. This book is fucking horrible.
The Summary: 13-year old Felix is different. Special. Mostly because he's going to drop dead at any second.
"He's not like other boys," said Felix's mother. "He has a very rare heart condition and an unusual blood type. Sometimes he passes out. We have to be careful." His eyes were a deep, startling blue, and they seemed too old for the rest of his face.
Felix has a fatal heart disease, and somehow manages to talk his parents into taking him on a trip to the Continental Divide in the middle of fucking nowhere, where he can't get medical help in case he needs it.
Apparently, having no brains runs in the family.
It turns out that his parents don't want to take poor pwecious sick Felix to The Divide after all, so Felix does the amazing brilliant wonderful fantastically thoughtful thing and decides to make a break for it. He runs to the Divide (with a heart condition, brilliant) and then promptly passes out.
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In another world, Betony is a different, special girl. She's a tangle-girl, or an elf. She deliberately wears her silken white platinum blonde hair "provocatively" sleek, compared to the tangled (ha!) look the tangle-people prefer. Everyone studies herbology, but Betony has always felt different. She doesn't know a fucking thing about herbology, which sucks, because in running away from home, she encounters a sick unicorn, excuse me, brittlehorn that's dying...
"You're a herbalist then, aren't you, tangle-child? But even your knowledge cannot cure me now." Betony felt dreadful. She didn't have any knowledge worth speaking of. She neglected her homework, didn't pay attention in class, and even played hooky from time to time.
Which ends up dying BECAUSE BETONY WAS TOO FUCKING SPECIAL TO LEARN HERBOLOGY.
He's dead, thought Betony. Dead. How awful. I couldn't do anything. I was absolutely useless. I find a brittlehorn, and I let him die.
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And then she does it again.
"They're going to die," whispered Betony. "There was something in the oatcakes. Oh, who would do such a thing? And why?" "Do you think it's that Water of Life stuff the flame-bird sang about?" Betony shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless."
Yet another beautiful creature, dead, because Betony always felt like she was too good to learn herbology.YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO HELPLESS IF YOU HAD BOTHERED TO GO TO CLASS.
The two special snowflakes meet out of fucking nowhere, they encounter a gryphon, I'm sorry, a brazzle. They have adventures. The end.
Seriously, I can't remember a fucking thing about this book. I do know, however, that it is 3rd person POV, and we get to see the POV of Betony, Felix, some random thing, Betony's brother and sister, Betony's brother and sister's friend, some other random thing, another random thing, and a gryphon.
Excuse me, a brazzle.
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The Setting: In any good fantasy, the setting is of the utmost importance. The setting in this book doesn't make any fucking sense. I don't have an idea of what the fucking world looks like. The creatures are so dumb and stupidly named that I can't fucking remember what anything is except for a brazzle and a tangle-thing and a stiffie. Or a stiff horn. Or an unicorn thing. Whatever.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
This book is just fucking weird. There's no establishment of the magical system.
"Magic's got rules. There are things you can't ever do, like making gold, or changing the seasons, or bringing someone back from the dead."
You like that? That's all the fucking explanation you're ever gonna fucking get. Magic is magic. It's normal in the new world. Science, to them, is a fantasy. They have the same fucking thing, only with different names JUST LIKE THE FUCKING MAGICAL CREATURES. String theory is called knot theory. Pi is a "trifle," and I mean pi as in the 3.14159 thing. It's called a fucking trifle. Fucking spare me, please.
The world is almost not magical at all because magic is so haphazardly used, without any explanation. It doesn't feel fantastic. They have magical carpets, but they also have conference rooms, and shopping centers, and I have no idea what the fuck they look like BECAUSE THERE ARE HARDLY ANY DESCRIPTIONS AT ALL. There are towels that magically dry you. The towels themselves can do magic, like change a person's haircolor, and yet the most magical fucking girl of all, Betony...can't do magic.
"Can you do magic?" "Not much," Betony confessed. "I hate school."
I can't even analyze the characters or anything because there's fucking nothing to analyze. It was a dull adventure, full of foolishness, nonsense, and characters who are completely forgettable. The side characters are laughable. There is zero character development, zero complexity, and without a doubt, this is the worst fantasy for children that I have ever read.
I didn't even give a shit if the main character ended up dying halfway through the book....more
The boys went off to fight with swords while girls had to learn dog barks and owl hoots. No wonder princesses were so impotent in fairy tales, she
The boys went off to fight with swords while girls had to learn dog barks and owl hoots. No wonder princesses were so impotent in fairy tales, she thought. If all they could do was smile, stand straight, and speak to squirrels, then what choice did they have but to wait for a boy to rescue them?
If any book ever deserved to be Disney-fied, this would be it.
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This book is seriously sweet. It was just delightful. It is a middle grade "alternative" fairy tale which parodies and utilizes fairy tale tropes to excellent effect, and I constantly sniggered with laughter at its tongue-in-cheek hilarity.
It is a light book, a Harry Potter-style boarding school novel based around fairy tales. It was just fucking adorable, let me tell you, but it is not too sweet at all. For a middle grade book, this story had a surprising amount of darkness and depth. It questions the nature of friendship, it questions good and evil, it tells us that it is our choices in life that matters in the long run, that our nature is self-determined.
She was Evil, always Evil, and there would never be happiness or peace. As her heart shattered with sadness, she yielded to darkness without a fight, only to hear a dying echo, somewhere deeper than soul. It’s not what we are. It’s what we do.
This book tells you that you do not have to be what people want you to be. There is room for change within your soul. You do not have to fit into the mold. You are capable of more than people expect. You do not have to be beautiful in order to have a beautiful spirit.
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The Summary: Most children are afraid of being kidnapped. Not Sophie.
Before you judge her, realize that the "kidnapper" in question is not a man, but a being. A mythical being called the School Master rumored to capture two children every 12 years, to make them into fairy tale creatures. One good child, one bad child. Boy or girl. They will be separated from their families forever. For most children, this is a thing to be feared.
Not Sophie.
Sophie longs to be kidnapped, she has dreamt of it her entire life. She deserves to be a fairy-tale princess. And indeed, there is no one in her village who is more beautiful than Sophie. Even when she's sleep-deprived, Sophie is a vision of loveliness.
Her waist-long hair, the color of spun gold, didn’t have its usual sheen. Her jade-green eyes looked faded, her luscious red lips a touch dry. Even the glow of her creamy peach skin had dulled. But still a princess, she thought.
So lovely. But it's not effortless. As all girls know, looking good takes a fuck ton of work, and Sophie has to work at it. Her beauty routine puts mine to shame.
As for the rest of Sophie’s beauty routine, it could fill a dozen storybooks (suffice it to say it included goose feathers, pickled potatoes, horse hooves, cream of cashews, and a vial of cow’s blood).
The School Master can only pick one good child, and Sophie is determined to be it. In her quest for goodness, she befriends her polar opposite, Agatha.
Agatha can never be described, however generously, as beautiful.
Her hideous dome of black hair looked like it was coated in oil. Her hulking black dress, shapeless as a potato sack, couldn’t hide freakishly pale skin and jutting bones. Ladybug eyes bulged from her sunken face.
Sophie and Agatha may be friends, but their relationship can best be described as "passive-aggressive". The passive-aggressiveness coming entirely from Sophie.
Sophie’s eyes flashed. “You’re lucky that someone would come see you when no one else will. You’re lucky that someone like me would be your friend. You’re lucky that someone like me is such a good person.” “I knew it!” Agatha flared. “I’m your Good Deed! Just a pawn in your stupid fantasy!”
On the night of the kidnapping, Sophie and Agatha got kidnapped, or rather, Sophie went entirely willingly and Agatha got dragged into it. Sophie expected to be accepted into The School of Good. Agatha is praying against hope that she will not be forced into the School of Evil.
It didn't exactly work out the way they planned.
Stunned, Sophie watched Agatha plummet into pink cotton-candy mist. “Wait—no—” The bird swooped savagely towards the Towers of Evil, its jaws reaching up for new prey. “No! I’m Good! It’s the wrong one!” Sophie screamed— And without a beat, she was dropped into hellish darkness.
The lovely Sophie wound up in the School of Evil, a school that trains fairy-tale villains. She sticks out like a sore thumb among the hideous creatures (her fellow students).
Here was a mass of the miserable, with misshapen bodies, repulsive faces, and the cruelest expressions she’d ever seen, as if looking for something to hate. One by one their eyes fell on Sophie and they found what they were looking for. The petrified princess in glass slippers and golden curls. The red rose among thorns.
Sophie knows what to do.
She ran for her life.
The hideous Agatha finds herself among a gaggle of pretty pretty princesses. An entire school of Sophies. She knows she doesn't belong. She knows what to do.
Agatha did the only thing she knew how to do when faced with expectations. Up the blue Honor staircase, through sea-green halls, she ran.
Uh, no. Sadly, the school doesn't work right back. It's a magical school, y'all, and like it or not, Agatha and Sophie are there to stay. Or else. Children who fail disappear. They have to stay, they have to work at it if they are to stay alive.
Fairy tales are darker than they look, and surviving this school will take all of Sophie and Agatha's cunning. Will they manage to maintain their tenuous friendship?
The fight escalated to a ludicrous climax, with Sophie beating Agatha with a blue squash, Agatha sitting on Sophie’s head, and the class gleefully making bets as to who was who— “Go rot in Gavaldon alone!” Sophie screamed. “Better alone than with a phony!” Agatha shouted. “Get out of my life!” “You came into mine!”
Will they be able to face the danger---the darkness within the school?
“But the boys train for war in class,” a girl moaned. “We haven’t even learned to fight!” said another. “Would you like to be a slave to villains?” Beatrix fired back. “Made to cook children and eat princess hearts and drink horse blood—” “And wear black?” Reena cried. Evergirls gulped. “Then learn quickly,” Beatrix said.
Was it a mistake to put Sophie into the School of Evil and Agatha into the School of Good? Or will both Agatha and Sophie realize that they're where they should be, all along?
The Setting: “Well, in the School for Good, they teach boys and girls like me how to become heroes and princesses, how to rule kingdoms justly, how to find Happily Ever After,” Sophie said. “In the School for Evil, they teach you how to become wicked witches and humpbacked trolls, how to lay curses and cast evil spells.”
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The setting in this book is just freaking adorable. Take all the tropes you ever know about fairy tales and squish it into a book. You might expect it to be bad? No! It's not! It's fan-fucking-tastic! We have hideously warty creatures, we have snouty, socially awkward, innately evil villains in the School of Evil. We have gloriously charming and handsome boys and girls in the School of Good (who are just so full of themselves).
Tedros was used to girls watching him. But when would he find one who saw more than his looks? Who saw more than King Arthur’s son? Who cared about his thoughts, his hopes, his fears? And yet here he was, pivoted purposely as he toweled so the girls could have a perfect view.
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The setting is beautiful, we have fairy tale castles and beautiful bedrooms and pretty fluffy pink candy cane shit in the School of Good, and nasty, dirty dungeons, and food you wouldn't feed to your worst enemy in the School of Evil. There are magical geese, werewolves, gargoyles, and fairies (they bite).
And then there's the curriculum. AHAHAHA. The curriculum. Uglification, can you imagine? Poor Sophie.
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The teachers are hilarious, from evil hags and witches, to an actual fucking fairy tale princess.
Princess Uma looked far too young to be a teacher. Nestled in prim grass, backlit by lake shimmer, she sat very still, hands folded in her pink dress, with black hair to her waist, olive skin, almond-shaped eyes, and crimson lips pursed in a tight O. When she did speak, it was in a giggly whisper, but she couldn’t make it through a full sentence. Every few words, she’d stop to listen to a distant fox or dove and respond with her own giddy howl or chirp.
“Oops!” she tee-heed. “I have too many friends!”
Agatha couldn’t tell if she was nervous or just an idiot.
Sophie: She's not meant to be loved. She is a character that grows on you. If you ever wanted a fairy tale trope, Sophie is IT, man. She is beautiful, she is different, she has always felt like she was meant to be a princess. And man, I felt a tremendous sense of schadenfreude when Sophie got put into the School of Evil. Sophie is a devious character. Don't let her golden fair appearance fool you. She may seem fluffy in appearance, but she is not a character to be taken lightly.
Sophie was crouched over a puddle of water on the floor, singing as she applied blush in her reflection.
“I’m a pretty princess, sweet as a pea, Waiting for my prince to marry me...”
Three bunk mates and three rats watched from across the room, mouths open in shock.
Sophie is absolutely convinced that she is in the wrong school, and we can't blame her. It is a lifelong dream, and it was dashed to the ground in one moment. Her character development is marvellous.
All these years she had tried to be someone else. She had made so many mistakes along the way. But at last, she had come home.
Agatha: Undoubtedly, the more sympathetic of the two. The hideous girl, always the hated one. She cannot look past her own appearance to see what's underneath.
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Agatha prickled with shame. In this School for Good, where everyone was supposed to be kind and loving, she had still ended up alone and despised. She was a villain, no matter where she went.
Agatha's self-esteem is so low that it's below sea level. Agatha is dependent upon Sophie, in a way. They were friends before, and Agatha clings onto that friendship for so long that she nearly forgets what it means to be independent.
Agatha felt familiar shame rise. Everything in her body told her to shut the door again and hide. But this time instead of thinking of all the friends she didn’t have, Agatha thought about the one she did. Agatha slipped into the pink parade, put on a smile...and tried to blend.
The Friendship: The friendship between Agatha and Sophie is so beautifully written. Their relationship is one fraught with power play, struggles, and they are so complex because of it. Both love one another, while deeply resenting one another, but they have one common purpose. Eventually, they realize that they have to rely upon one another to make it through.
The girls collapsed in tormented heaps. “Ready to go home?” Agatha panted. Sophie looked up, ghost white. “Thought you’d never ask.”
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A fantastic middle grade book, enjoyable by all ages. Highly recommended....more
This middle-grade novella is plagued by a foolish main character, inconsistent characterization, unbelievable twists in the story, and a pretty ridicuThis middle-grade novella is plagued by a foolish main character, inconsistent characterization, unbelievable twists in the story, and a pretty ridiculous insta-love that is even more unbelievable than in most fairy tales. I understand that this is intended to be a short read, and for a younger audience; even so, there are certain standards and I do not believe this story lives up to them. It is very, very possible to write an engaging fantasy story for middle-grade readers, Gail Carson Levine and Patricia C. Wrede are some of my gold standards, and this story doesn't belong anywhere near their hallowed repertoire.
The premise: Princess Madeline is fed up with her sheltered life as a pampered princess and only daughter of a doting king. Upon hearing that she has to fulfil her responsibilities as a princess and marry, she runs away. She trades clothes with a poor peasant girl, giving her a bag of gold in exchange, putting the poor peasant girl in danger in the process. She gets kidnapped by a nefarious (aren't they always) band of ne'er do wells. Her prince (actually, knight) charming who has fallen madly in love with her since she was barely a teen, valiantly rides off to her rescue, wanders into some kind of magical elf-land, has all sorts of magical visions, and SAVES THE DAY. YAY! All in 100 pages.
I can think of some positive things about this book, the descriptions are well done and the emotions evocative. This book defintely has aspirations of being a fairy tale, in a fairy tale setting, with beautiful surroundings, lovely clothes, knights in shining armor. All the descriptions and place settings are beautifully written.
"Sunsets in Soron were a sight to see. The way the colors melted together—the reds, oranges, yellows—made it look as if the sky were on fire, truly melting the sunlight into darkness, the beauty radiating and reflecting off the clouds in a way that amplified every color to the extreme."
That's where it ends. Now, onto the bad.
Princess Madeline: Readers should sympathize with the main character. I do not. I found Madeline to be overall, a spoiled brat who has no idea what she's getting herself into. Her beauty enchants, but her actions are foolish, her escapades and her escapes are unbelievable, given her privileged background and lack of knowledge of the world outside her sheltered existence. She is one of the king's two surviving children from his late, beloved wife, and as such has been given her way her entire life. When she is forced to marry, she rebels (understandably), but she repeatedly defies her father before this happens, throws tantrums, and was altogether intolerable throughout the book, despite her plight.
"...she said defiantly with a little stomp of her feet."
she whined with another little stomp of her foot, her lower lip pouting out and trembling.
She's freaking sixteen years old. She stomps. She pouts. She whines. She cries. I die of hate.
Her reactions to her eventual kidnapping once outside of the castle are equally doubtful, they're along the line of, oh, this is bad, but hey it could be worse, I could be forced into marrying an old man! Middle-school me would not have found her actions believable or cute at all. Finally, she realizes..."she didn't have a plan. There were plenty of visions and dreams of adventures and places and experiences, but no real idea on how to get them."
Her father: majorly inconsistent character. He is someone who still mourns his beloved wife, and loves his two children deeply, yet he is portrayed here half as a villainous character. Here is a character who "quietly cried into the night" He spoils his daughter with gifts, seeks to protect her in all manners, nervous over his sixteenth birthday present for her. "He looked up to see her twirling around the corner and smiled. "'How does it fit?' he asked eagerly, his smile stretching across his face." Yet later on in the book he is described as malicious and plotting, with a "wrath-filled smile" as he plots to wed her to a man closer to his age than hers. Still later on, he is seen sobbing away into the night while she is on the run.
His character is inconsistent, but others in the book can only be described as one-dimensional. Take her brother, the stereotypical perfect twin brother, as different from her as night and day, "everyone thought her brother was perfect, perfectly charming, perfectly mannered." The perfect sibling is a typical fairy tale trope, but it doesn't add anything to the many lacking characteristics in this book.
Daniel: insta-love. Only on his part, apparently. He falls in love with the very young Madeline a few years ago when she hands him a rose as he is sworn into service as a knight's apprentice, and despite zero attention from her, he maintains his love and her memory throughout the years, and will do anything to rescue her. She, in contrast, has barely noticed his existence since, and only then in contrast to the many miserably ugly and old candidates presented to her.
There are no true villains here, there are the stereotypical ugly prince candidates to whom she might be wed, like Prince Alleg, "his skin was dry and scaly like a lizard, with red sun blisters lined at the top of his scalp," and the too-handsome-to-be-true Prince Paulsen, but they're not truly villains even if hints were given that they're not whom they seem. They're never bad, they never plot. The men who kidnap her are more of a foil than true villains, given how incompetent they are. I can't even say things are black and white, because there's no villain there to darken the day. This book is just about the escapades of a stupid, spoiled princess and her equally foolish, blinded love....more
"We must not let the other family have such power over the future. We must make those children ours.” “And failing that?” “And failing that …” Lucia
"We must not let the other family have such power over the future. We must make those children ours.” “And failing that?” “And failing that …” Lucia suddenly looked sad and tired. “Failing that, I will kill them myself
This book is epic in every sense of the word. I am pleased that upon a second reading, it was just as good as I had remembered.
It's got:
Terrifyingly intelligent, yet spectacularly dorky and awkward 15-year old main characters
An awesome, complex relationship between twin siblings
Terrifyingly dangerous familial relationships where your beloved cousin might be plotting to kill you and eat your siblings
A battle between goodslightly goodnot very badkind of evil vs. evil
An interesting spin on demonic mythology
A series of tests, in the form of trials and temptations
And the cherry on the cupcake...refreshingly little romance
Sometimes a book just clicks. This book was just what I needed to refresh my mind in between the terrible books that seem to enjoy bombarding itself at me.
The Summary:
Eliot Post and his sister, Fiona, would be fifteen tomorrow and nothing interesting had ever happened to them.
Eliot and Fiona are the most socially stunted 15-year old twins in the entire world. And it's all thanks to their grandmother. They are orphans, parents mysteriously dead, oh, somewhere, somehow. The only family they've got now is a terrifying grandmother who is more military commander than cuddly old cookie-baking grandma.
It was Grandmother always. It was never Audrey or Gram, or any other pet name like they used with Cecilia. Not that it was forbidden, but Grandmother was the only thing they ever thought to call her. It was the only title that carried the authority her presence demanded.
And a cookie-baking great-grandma who seriously can't cook anything for shit.
They've been home-schooled their entire lives. Their lives are dominated by rules, ranging from NO LISTENING TO MUSIC to NO READING BOOKS DEALING WITH MAGIC. Seriously, their grandmother has a fucking list of rules for them. They've been forced to work hard their entire lives, there's no easy ride for them. From cleaning the apartment unit when they were young, to working their asses off doing menial labor in a horrible pizza shop, Eliot and Fiona's life can only be described as miserable.
They can't even have candy. Even a half-eaten piece of chocolate, found in the trash, is considered a special treat. They wear homemade clothes (ugly ones). They never, ever go out. They have no friends but each other.
He and Fiona might as well have been corked inside a bottle, sailing nowhere on a tiny balsa-wood ship.
But all is not as it seems. Eliot and Fiona...surprisingly...caught someone's attention. Someone who recognizes their potential, through the altogether normal appearance.
Yes, the boy’s eyes, the slender but strong bridge of the girl’s nose, the high cheekbones and arching brows on both. How could she have missed it? Whoever had camouflaged them had done a masterful job: they had transformed divine into dull.
And with that, the dam bursts.
No shit, they're not who they seem. Neither is their grandmother. They have a newfound extended family they know nothing about. A family that's all sort of magical, but not altogether friendly. Eliot and Fiona might get killed just for being born. Unless they pass The Test.
“Let the record show,” Aunt Lucia declared, “that we shall test the children’s potentials with three heroic trials. This will illuminate their characters and determine their lineage. It will prove their possible worth to remain alive.”
But that's not the only family they have to be concerned about. As bad as these relatives seem...there's the other side of the family...a side that may be even worse.
Meanwhile she had to prepare for the gathering of the Board. There were weapons to sharpen and armor to mend.
Indeed, one did not face one’s brothers and sisters without taking careful precautions against carnage and bloodshed.
Eliot and Fiona will fight for their lives. They will face tests, temptations. Crocodiles and chocolates. Yes, you read that correctly.
They will face attempts at seduction, they will discover powers they never knew they had.
Challenges abound. They will learn that there is so much more to them and their families than they ever knew. Will they conquer their challenges? Will they fall? Will they succumb to the light? Ok, the slightly shadowy...or will they fall to the darkness?
Above all else...they have to trust each other. They have to stick together.
She gently pushed them away. Tears were in her old eyes. “Be brave,” she whispered. “Do no let them separate you. You are stronger together.”
Together, they are strong. May the best side win.
The Families:
Eliot stared into the darkness and wondered about his father’s side of the family. Why was no one talking about them? Uncle Henry, Aunt Lucia, and possibly Grandmother had murdered. Could the other family be somehow … worse?
This book takes a number of mythologies and gave it an exceedingly interesting spin. There are demonic creatures from Christian mythology and other legends who come to life...and who become other characters here. It is half the fun guessing who the characters are. From the "dark" side, we have characters like the seductress Seeliah, the deadly beauty with a secret soft side, a fighter and a queen in her own rights.
On the "good" side, we have characters like the beautiful, deadly Lucia. The charming and conniving Henry Mimes. Good and bad are all relative here, no pun intended, because good or bad, each side is out for their own best interest, and no game is too dirty to play.
With families like these...who needs enemies?
Familial love: I absolutely love the portrayal of complex family relationships in this book. It is a battlefield, but above all else, there is loyalty. One may want to kill one's sister at times...but blood ties stand above all. It is a rather "Mafia"-like relationship. You wouldn't ever want to turn your back on a relative...but when it counts, you know they've got your back.
Sibling Love:
Fiona might have tried to drive him crazy, dreamed up the worst insults in the world to throw at him, but she’d never in a million years have snitched on him.
...Slash hate. I absolutely love Eliot and Fiona's relationships. They have only ever had each other. They have never had friends. They don't always get along...in fact, they hardly ever get along...but they're fiercely loyal to each other because of that fact. When you have lived your entire life a step up from abject misery, forbidden to have friends, forbidden to go to school, to be with your peers...you feel closest to the one who knows what you're going through.
They have an...interesting relationship. There is a considerable and constant amount of rivalry with each other, academically. There's seriously NOTHING else they can do to keep themselves entertained but to fight with each other. They compete by playing word games...seeing who can best insult each other using the most obscure words. Hey, we all have to get our fun somewhere.
As much as they claim to hate each other, Eliot and Fiona know they can rely on each other. Fiona is fiercely protective of her brother.
An image of Eliot, beaten and bloodied, flashed through her imagination—and her only thought was to protect him. She yanked the rope.
Eliot, in turn, knows to be there for his sister when she needs him most, even if she seemingly doesn't want him there.
They have an unspoken YOU ARE SO GROSS I HATE YOU DON'T EVER TOUCH ME pact. A pact that is broken when they need each other most.
She grabbed Eliot’s hand. Normally this would have violated their brother-sister-never-touch-me agreement, which had been in place since they had been toilet trained. But tonight, Eliot let her.
I absolutely adore a good sibling relationship, and they don't come any better than this book, but that's not to say the twins themselves aren't excellent characters, alone.
Fiona:
She wanted to be Fiona Post … whatever that was … shy and awkward … scared … but herself.
The older twin, the wiser, more cynical twin. The warrior to her brother's poetic soul. Fiona is awkward, unsure of herself, wishing, like most teenaged girls often do, that she could be stronger, more confident, more beautiful.
Fiona would have given anything to be as confident. Every time she had to talk to strangers, her heart pounded so hard she could barely hear her own mouse voice as it tried to squeak out something clever. If shyness were a disease, Fiona would have been rushed to intensive care and put on a social respirator.
Throughout the book, we see her bloom. From a shy, stammering girl afraid of everything to a warrior goddess who stands up to challenges, who is capable of killing when she needs to, who finds strength to stand up against the most powerful of temptations.
What I love about Fiona is that she is not perfect. That she is bitchy on occasion, but she has a tremendous amount of loyalty and love for her brother and her family. That is a main character I can stand behind.
Eliot:
“I’m here,” he whispered. “I’ll always be here for you.” Behind the door, Fiona quietly started to sob again. Eliot didn’t let go.
The gentle, soft poet. The musician who doesn't know what he's capable of. He is more compassionate than Fiona, weaker than Fiona, but at the same time, stubborn and strong in his own way. He, too, grows from a spineless boy who's all-too-conscious of being smaller, weaker than his twin, into someone who finds strength and power in a skill he never knew he had.
This is one of my all-time favorite book. It is a long book, but I assure you, it's so worth the time investment....more
"He doesn't seem very impressed," Cimorene commented in some amusement. "Why should he be?" Kazul said. "Well, you're a dragon," Cimorene answered, a
"He doesn't seem very impressed," Cimorene commented in some amusement. "Why should he be?" Kazul said. "Well, you're a dragon," Cimorene answered, a little taken aback. "What difference does that make to a cat?"
Before Harry Potter, there was Princess Cimorene, a dragon named Kazul, and the Enchanted Forest. I am no longer a 11-year old girl. I am a grown-ass woman, and I still love this book as much as I did the first time I read it.
Share this book with your sisters, your daughters, your nieces. This is a wonderful book for a young girl, it sends so many positive messages. You don't have to be what people want you to be. You do not have to fit into the mold. You can be brave, headstrong, smart, without being stubborn, without being mean. There is no romance. There is a Prince Charming who, frankly, bores the living crap out of our intrepid young Princess Cimorene. You do not need a Prince Charming to make your own Happily Ever After. You can be in charge of your own destiny.
This book grew with me through my childhood, and it remains with me as an adult. Some books I've read have made me think. Some books have made me cry. There is nothing so complex, so complicated about this little book; it just makes me happy.
Summary: Princess Cimorene is a princess of the very pleasant kingdom of Linderwall. It's pretty, it's quite ordinary. There isn't much magic, thankfully, not too many evil stepmothers or witches, not too many dragon abductions, etc.
All in all, Linderwall was a very prosperous and pleasant place. Cimorene hated it.
Her older sister are all lovely and ladylike, each more beautiful than the last. Cimorene is not. She's too tall. Her hair is frizzy and brown. She's stubborn (on a good day). And she just won't stop learning inappropriate things. Magical lessons. Fencing. Fighting. Latin. All lessons that her disgruntled parents abruptly put a stop to once they find out, cause it just ain't proper for a princess, yo. And her fairy godmother is as useful as brains on a Kardashian.
Cimorene puts up with it as best as she can, until the day her parents send her off to visit the very handsome, golden haired, blue-eyed, Ken doll of a Prince. Unfortunately, he's got nothing in between his ears, and when Cimorene finds out that her parents intend to make her MARRY the creature, well, that does it. She takes the advice of a magical frog, packs some useful and practical things, and runs away from home.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, as it may be, the audience that the frog sends her to seek happens to be dragons. Very curious ones. Who might want to eat her (but they'd rather not...humans are so stringy). Using her wits, Cimorene talks her way into being a dragon's princess. Kazul is the awesome dragon, who agrees to take her on. Contrary to popular beliefs, not every dragon wants a princess.
"It has to do with status. Dragons aren't required to have princesses, you see. Most of us don't. There are never enough to go around, and some of us prefer not to have to deal with the annoyances that come with them." "Knights," Cimorene guessed. "Among other things," Kazul said, nodding. "So having a princess in residence has become a minor mark of high status among dragons." "A minor mark?" Kazul smiled. "I'm afraid so. It's the equivalent of, oh, serving expensive imported fruit at dinner. It's a nice way of showing everyone how rich you are, but you could make just as big an impression by having some of those fancy pastries with the smooth glazed icing and spun-sugar roses."
Fortunately, thanks to her education, she is as well-equipped to cataloguing draconian libraries as well as she is whipping up an excellent dessert (Cimorene specializes in making cherries jubilee).
Instead of being princessy and spending her days embroidering and doing stupid shit like that, Cimorene now spends her days cleaning out the dragon treasure troves, cataloguing (and polishing) old dragon treasures (some of them magical!). Along the way, she has to deal with the constant stream of idiotic Knights and Princes who want to rescue her (does anyone bother asking Cimorene if she wants to be rescued? No.), entertaining some other fluffy-headed fellow princesses
"I'm Cimorene," Cimorene said. "I don't need comforting, and I'm not particularly sad or sorry to be here, but if you'd like to come in and have some tea, you're welcome to." The first two princesses looked as if they would have liked to be startled and appalled by this announcement but were much too well bred to show what they were feeling.
...among whom she unexpectedly finds a good friend, and dealing with, among other things, a jinn, a killer bird, a witch with many cats (or more appropriately, cats and their witch), and some wascally wizards. There is magic. There is mystery. There is a potential threat to the dragons for whom Cimorene has come to care deeply.
The Setting, the Plot, All That Good Stuff: This is a very short book, and there is not a single dull moment. There is not a lot of introspection, but there is an exceeding display of Cimorene's competency. She is a person of action, and she fills the book with her energy. The book is driven by Cimorene's initiative, and she is always on the move, be it finding a fire-proofing spell in an ancient spellbook, or outwitting some poor Prince Charming's misguided attempt to rescue her, to fooling some nefarious wizards who think she is a typical princess. The setting is magical, but it is not exceedingly detailed, just enough to build up the imagination.
The Main Character: Cimorene and her dragon are the stars of this book, and they make me love it. I recommended this book for young readers, and it is just so darned appropriate for an impressionable young woman. She is an awesome main character. She is book-smart, and she is not perfect. She is a librarian at heart, a researcher who relies on her skills in research and her thirst for knowledge rather than outright brilliance. Cimorene is relatable and reliable, smart, witty, absolutely pragmatic and practical without ever becoming bitchy and annoying in the least. And however resourceful Cimorene is, she knows when to call for help when she needs it.
Every young girl should have a copy of this book (and this series)....more
Khanh, first of her name, mother of bunnies
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