The Nice Girl Syndrome Quotes

“Turn down the volume of your negative inner voice and create a nurturing inner voice to take it’s place. When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on instead of obsessing about it. Equally important, don’t allow anyone else to dwell on your mistakes or shortcomings or to expect perfection from you.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“If someone is inconsiderate or rude to you, risk telling them how it made you feel or that you didn’t appreciate being treated that way. If you tend to talk yourself out of anger by telling yourself that you don’t want to make waves, try telling yourself instead that it is okay to make waves sometimes and risk letting people know how you really feel.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Survivors who don’t stand up for themselves often develop physical and emotional illnesses. Many become depressed because they feel so hopeless and helpless about being able to change their lives. They turn their anger inward and become prone to headaches, muscle tension, nervous conditions and insomnia.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“The messages you received from your family or your childhood experiences may have caused you to believe that assertiveness is unacceptable or even dangerous. Practice saying the following: I have the right to be treated with respect by others. I have the right to express my feelings and opinions. I have the right to say no without feeling guilty. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to make my own mistakes. I have the right to pursue happiness.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Hypercritical, Shaming Parents
Hypercritical and shaming parents send the same message to their children as perfectionistic parents do - that they are never good enough. Parents often deliberately shame their children into minding them without realizing the disruptive impact shame can have on a child's sense of self. Statements such as "You should be ashamed of yourself" or "Shame on you" are obvious examples. Yet these types of overtly shaming statements are actually easier for the child to defend against than are more subtle forms of shaming, such as contempt, humiliation, and public shaming.
There are many ways that parents shame their children. These include belittling, blaming, contempt, humiliation, and disabling expectations.
-BELITTLING. Comments such as "You're too old to want to be held" or "You're just a cry-baby" are horribly humiliating to a child. When a parent makes a negative comparison between his or her child and another, such as "Why can't you act like Jenny? See how she sits quietly while her mother is talking," it is not only humiliating but teaches a child to always compare himself or herself with peers and find himself or herself deficient by comparison.
-BLAMING. When a child makes a mistake, such as breaking a vase while rough-housing, he or she needs to take responsibility. But many parents go way beyond teaching a lesson by blaming and berating the child: "You stupid idiot! Do you think money grows on trees? I don't have money to buy new vases!" The only thing this accomplishes is shaming the child to such an extent that he or she cannot find a way to walk away from the situation with his or her head held high.
-CONTEMPT. Expressions of disgust or contempt communicate absolute rejection. The look of contempt (often a sneer or a raised upper lip), especially from someone who is significant to a child, can make him or her feel disgusting or offensive. When I was a child, my mother had an extremely negative attitude toward me. Much of the time she either looked at me with the kind of expectant expression that said, "What are you up to now?" or with a look of disapproval or disgust over what I had already done. These looks were extremely shaming to me, causing me to feel that there was something terribly wrong with me.
-HUMILIATION. There are many ways a parent can humiliate a child, such as making him or her wear clothes that have become dirty. But as Gershen Kaufman stated in his book Shame: The Power of Caring, "There is no more humiliating experience than to have another person who is clearly the stronger and more powerful take advantage of that power and give us a beating." I can personally attest to this. In addition to shaming me with her contemptuous looks, my mother often punished me by hitting me with the branch of a tree, and she often did this outside, in front of the neighbors. The humiliation I felt was like a deep wound to my soul.
-DISABLING EXPECTATIONS. Parents who have an inordinate need to have their child excel at a particular activity or skill are likely to behave in ways that pressure the child to do more and more. According to Kaufman, when a child becomes aware of the real possibility of failing to meet parental expectations, he or she often experiences a binding self-consciousness. This self-consciousness - the painful watching of oneself - is very disabling. When something is expected of us in this way, attaining the goal is made harder, if not impossible.
Yet another way that parents induce shame in their children is by communicating to them that they are a disappointment to them. Such messages as "I can't believe you could do such a thing" or "I am deeply disappointed in you" accompanied by a disapproving tone of voice and facial expression can crush a child's spirit.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“If you have the tendency to repress your anger, you have lost touch with an important part of yourself. Getting angry is a way to gain back that part of yourself by asserting your rights, expressing your displeasure with a situation, and letting others know how you wish to be treated. It can motivate you to make needed changes in a relationship or other areas of your life. Finally it can let others know that you expect to be respected and treated fairly.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Many neglected and abused children grow up to be adults who are afraid to take risks of striking out on their own. Many will remain dependent on their abusive parents and unable to separate from them. Others leave their abusive parents only to attach themselves to a partner who is controlling.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“If you carry around a lot of suppressed or repressed anger (anger you have unconsciously buried) you may lash out at people, blaming or punishing them for something someone else did a long time ago. Because you were unwilling or unable to express how you felt in the past, you may overreact in the present, damaging a relationship.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“By not standing up for themselves when it is appropriate, many [survivors] damage their self-esteem. They become angry and ashamed of themselves for putting up with inappropriate behavior. The more they put up with, the worse they feel. Soon, they begin to believe they don’t have a right to complain and convince themselves they are making a big thing out of nothing.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Nice Girl Syndrome: Nice girls suffer from "the disease to please" - they put their needs behind everyone else's.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Physical symptoms such as muscle tension, back problems, stomach distress, constipation, diarrhea, headaches, obesity or maybe even hypertension can be caused by suppressing your emotions. Suppressed anger may also cause you to overreact to people and situations or to act inappropriately. Unexpressed anger can cause you to become irritable, irrational, and prone to emotional outbursts and episodes of depression.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Some Survivors think that getting angry is inappropriate and a sign that a person is out of control. Others are afraid of anger, that of others, as well as their own. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will be rejected or abandoned, afraid they will lose control and hurt someone. But, allowing yourself to get angry and express your anger in constructive ways is one of the most healthy and empowering things you can do.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Seventy-eight percent of stalking victims are women.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Тест: являюсь ли я хорошей девочкой?
1. Трудно ли вам предъявлять претензии работникам сферы
обслуживания? (Например, отказываться от принесенного блюда,
говорить продавцу, что товар вам не нужен)?
2. Вас легко уговорить, в том числе на покупку товара, потому что
вам сложно произнести «нет»?
3. Вы беспокоитесь, что люди подумают о вас?
4.Для вас очень важно нравиться окружающим?
5. Вы боитесь говорить, что на самом деле чувствуете, из-за страха
рассердить кого-то?
6. Вы извиняетесь слишком много и часто?
7. У вас есть друзья или знакомые, которые вам не слишком
приятны или с которыми у вас мало общего, но вы чувствуете себя
обязанной продолжать общение?
8. Часто ли вы принимаете приглашение, чтобы не обидеть
человека?
9. Склонны ли вы соглашаться что-то сделать, потому что отказ
помочь кому-либо воспринимаете как проявление эгоизма со своей
стороны?
10. Вы боитесь, что вас перестанут любить, если вы не будете
сотрудничать?
11. Вам трудно сказать о том, что с вами поступили
несправедливо?
12. У вас не хватает решимости сказать кому-либо, что он ранил
ваши чувства или разозлил вас, потому что вы не хотите заставлять
его чувствовать себя плохо?
13. Когда вас обижают, вы стараетесь не показывать, что
расстроены, потому что вам кажется, что это не принесет никакой
пользы или обернется большими проблемами во
взаимоотношениях?
14. Присутствуют ли в вашей жизни люди, которые вас
используют?
15. Часто ли вы берете вину на себя только для того, чтобы
избежать ссоры, отвержения или расставания?
16. Часто ли вы оправдываете неподобающее поведение людей,
убеждая себя, что они не хотели ничего плохого или не умеют подругому?
17. Избегаете ли вы конфликтов или конфронтации любой ценой?
18. Вы чувствуете себя ужасно, когда кто-то злится на вас?
19. Вам свойственно верить людям, даже если окружающие
предупреждают вас, что они ненадежны?
20. Даете ли вы людям второй шанс, даже если они продолжают
вести себя неподобающим образом?
21. Считаете ли вы, что у вас нет права жаловаться на чье-то
поведение, если вы сами когда-либо вели себя так же?
22. Вас привлекают «плохие мальчики» или люди с ярко
выраженной темной стороной?
23. Вы твердо верите в необходимость быть справедливой, даже
если другие поступают с вами несправедливо?”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself

“Десять ложных установок
Несмотря на существование разных типов хороших девочек, для
них всех характерны общие убеждения и установки. Такие как:
1. Чувства и потребности других людей гораздо важнее моих.
2. Если я буду хорошей (и справедливой) по отношению к другим,
они тоже будут хорошо (и справедливо) относиться ко мне.
3. Мнение обо мне других людей гораздо важнее моей
самооценки, здоровья и даже безопасности.
4. Если я буду хорошей и идеальной, меня будут принимать и
любить.
5. Если я буду выглядеть наивной и невинной, обо мне позаботятся
и не придется взрослеть.
6. Я не имею права отстаивать свои интересы или действовать по
собственному усмотрению.
7. Гнев разрушителен по своей природе, и его не следует
показывать, особенно тем, кто его вызвал.
8. Конфликтов нужно избегать любой ценой.
9. В каждом есть что-то хорошее, и если дать людям достаточно
возможностей проявить себя, они рано или поздно вам это докажут.
10. Женщина нуждается в мужчине, который будет ее финансово
обеспечивать и защищать.”
― Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- And Start Standing Up for Yourself