There and Never, Ever Back Again Quotes

“They hate being unable to control you.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“They hate being unable to control you.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“First off, contrary to popular belief, I'm as human as you are. One of us should probably be ashamed of that. I'm not entirely sure that it's me.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“The road to powerful magical items is paved with good intentions and hideous deathtraps.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“May you reign supreme but never unchallenged.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“I don't make monsters.
Definitions make monsters.
You make definitions.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“I am a product of the flames which burnt me; the anvil which forged me; and the will that made me grow formidable instead of breaking.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. True friends help you move the bodies of those who turned out not to have been friends to begin with.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“I was imprisoned, and no-one freed me.
I cried for help, and no-one freed me.
Eventually, I shook off my chains and I returned.
They said, 'Why do you no longer love us?'
I said, 'I realized that you have always been my chains.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Dark Lords shatter destiny; it's what we do.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“When I started out, all I knew was that I was not going to stay where I'd been. I was going to change. I was going to make my part of the world into something that I wanted–not wait, hope, or beg for the world to start to want me.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“And lo, at the moment when she needed it most, she found the force within her. She didn't find it in time to avoid having her head bitten off, but she sure did die enlightened.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“This is a lesson in creation: The first blood of blood magic is always your own.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“The person who has never considered “non servium” may have a fatal weakness in the legs. Train yourself to kneel instead of think, and you will not enjoy an opponent who knows how to stand.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“There's not a lot in this world as motivational as a firm belief in an unbending universal morality which just happens to place you on the side of the angels.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Punching your companions is unhelpful. Go into the forest and practice unarmed combat against a tree.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Burn the witch!” will always be a simpler option than, “Raise a very, very large army, cross the abysmal hells cape, battle an op- posing very, very large army, and try to figure out some way to kill the Dark Lord!” And it’s significantly more efficient to chant, as well.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“I am a Namer.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Stories. They only belong to the people if the people demand to speak.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“I have a theory: A long time ago, someone cursed the trees with a touch of ambition.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Give me the ridiculous, because it's a gateway to the sublime.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“And sadly, fairytale kingdoms work poorly. It’s not just that they’re fairytales and thus not terribly real; we’ve seen stranger and more mythical attempts at leadership in our time. The problem is that Fairytales attract Good Faeries, and thus Bad Faeries; Evil Queens; Huntsmen, and, of course, The Grand Vizier. And all of those tend to lead to ruination.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“I didn’t know this was where I’d end up, and if you try to tell me that the hurt, the pain, the personal choices, and the perseverance were all just part of someone else's plan, I'll laugh at you until I can barely breathe.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Surety is a narcotic which masks the fact that you're dying. Losing it is a gift.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Orcs live in caves. Goblins live in shadows. It's the pain of distance versus the pain of proximity.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“The Chosen One is often told that failure is not an option. The Dark Lord knows that failure, like hurt and harm, is one not simply an option, but one of many companions. True power seldom comes without risk. Sufficient risk eventually results in harm. If you think you can trap a thousand demons and never have a single one break through your defenses and wreak havoc on your mind for a while—then you’ve likely never summoned any demons at all.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“freedom isn’t how far you choose to go; it’s whether or not the choice is made for you. The”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Politics is a clean, happy, positive business under only the rarest circumstances. Democratic rule? Everyone thinks everyone else is an idiot. Despotic? Everyone wants to overthrow you, either to install democracy or to be the next despot. Kingdom full of abundance? Someone wants a bigger share. Kingdom starving? Someone needs to find blame.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord

“Fairytales lie. Especially, especially when told by Faeries.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again: Diary of a Dark Lord