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Key points
- People have large or small times in their lives when their external lives no longer match their inner needs.
- These developmental crises are unique opportunities to take stock and bring one's life into balance.
- The keys are being clear about what one needs, avoiding being impulsive, and exploring options.
They’re eventually going to come: Maybe after you graduate from high school or college, or after you’ve settled into your adult life in your 30s and feel restless or bored, at midlife when you feel the need to break out and realize that time is running out, or at retirement when you are wondering what to do with the next 20 years. They are called developmental crises for a reason: They come on you because you’ve developed; like crabs or snakes, you’ve outgrown your shell, your skin, and your current life no longer fits you, but you feel trapped in the routines and rules you’ve created.
The process of living is the process of changing—shifting needs and goals, the effects of aging. Research on adult development shows that adults move through 6-8 years of stability and then a couple of years of transition. The focus may vary: Sometimes, it is about feeling dissatisfied with your job or career; other times, about your relationship. Sometimes, it feels more like a restlessness; other times, a need to seriously break out.
Here are the common symptoms of a developmental crisis:
You are struck by restlessness.
You’ve been doing the same job for several years, and you’re getting bored or dreading coming to work; you need something more challenging. You’ve fallen into what was once a comfortable lifestyle routine that now is no longer comfortable—it seems too fanatic or too routine and boring. You don’t want to keep doing this; life is not supposed to be this way.
Pet peeves are becoming more than occasional.
You know your partner can sometimes seem critical, and your supervisor micromanages, especially under stress. But these pet peeves surface more frequently, or your reaction is stronger.
You have escape fantasies.
Everyone occasionally has these—quitting your job or relationship and running off to somewhere or doing something different—starting your own company or a restaurant, being single and traveling around the country, or living overseas for a year. But now they are becoming more frequent, another sign of restlessness.
You feel that time is running out.
You’re suddenly aware of time limits—to have a baby, to make partner in the company, to fulfill your bucket list. It’s a crisis because of time pressures, but with it comes forks in the road—how much longer do you keep trying to do what you’re doing? When do you give up and shift to something else? Is now the time to break out because time has honestly run out?
How to navigate a developmental crisis
Sort out your stress from real, longer-term issues. If you’ve been feeling restless or irritable in your job or relationship for weeks, step back and assess the bigger picture: Perhaps your work is crazy because it is simply that hectic time of year, or your partner is struggling for good reasons and needs more TLC, but it’s wearing you down.
It’s time to get out of your emotional brain and into your rational brain: Determine whether this will pass, and it’s a perfect storm, or whether it’s not, and these are ongoing problems that need to finally be addressed.
Say what you need. If you decide the problems are ongoing, it’s time to attack them directly—talk to your supervisor about your restlessness or their micromanaging and your partner about their criticism. Try to solve the problem, or if you feel like you’ve already exhausted your efforts, consider moving on.
Don’t do anything impulsive. That said, don’t do anything impulsive. You realize you’ve outgrown the job, but don’t stomp out of the office after a frustrating meeting, take the first job you’re offered, or buy a camper to travel the country. Even if you realize that your relationship isn’t going to change, don’t rent an apartment after an alcohol-laden argument on a Saturday night.
Step back and imagine the ideal. Instead, slow down and take stock. These developmental crises can actually be one of the few most opportune times in your life to take stock of you, your life, and your needs. Do it. This is an opportunity to stop running on auto-pilot or settling into something that seems different but is really more of the same.
Even if impractical, the ideal job, relationship, or lifestyle helps you sort out your priorities and tells you what you need most now. Your fantasies are fuel for upgrading your life.
Explore your options. Now, it’s time to get your boots on the ground: Check out those fantasy jobs, explore what you need to do to start your own business, and decide what you need to change most to create your desired lifestyle.
By exploring, you begin to find out what’s possible: What’s practical? What can you incorporate into your everyday life—a different type of job or a different workplace? A new relationship or a determined final effort to turn your current relationship around?
Experiment. Take action. It’s time for a reality check. Have that hard conversation with your supervisor or partner. Try changing your routines, focus, and priorities for a week or month.
The key is adopting an experimental attitude—the curious scientist—rather than some forced march towards some big goal. Map out your behavioral changes, put your head down, and do them for a month, then pick your head up and see where you’re at.
Don’t be afraid to strive for what you need.
Do you feel better and more fulfilled? Does your external life better represent the needs, goals, and desires of the internal you? If it does, you’re on the right track. If not, have the courage to start the process all over again.
Don’t settle.
