The Case Against Radical Honesty

Honesty is the bedrock of every relationship, laying the foundation for trust and understanding. It’s the key to minimising conflict and misunderstandings.

But does this mean revealing that you are attracted to your partner’s friends, who or what you fantasise about, or whether you sometimes have doubts about your relationship?

Is radical honesty always the best policy?

Full disclosure: Nice idea or recipe for disaster?

Proponents of radical honesty advocate for complete transparency. That means disclosing your innermost thoughts without holding back, via regular check-ins, where each partner talks while the other listens, non-judgmentally and without interruption.

This approach emphasises the importance of openly and honestly expressing your true thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires without fear of judgement and without minimising or downplaying any emotions.

If that appeals to you, go for it. But it requires a lot from both partners, in terms of patience, understanding and time. It also rests on an untested and questionable assumption that everything can be improved by discussion and that privacy, individuality and autonomy don't matter much.

At its worst, it can sound a bit like co-dependence. At the very least, it’s naive and prioritises the self over the collective. And in practice, it often causes as many problems as it solves. Let’s look at an example.

Let’s talk about sex, baby (but not sexual fantasies)

You can talk healthily about your sexual preferences, in order to find a balance that works for you both: how frequently you want it; the time of day that suits you best and the kind of sex you enjoy most. That works for a lot of couples.

But should you also discuss your sexual fantasies? Well, that’s a different story.

Nearly everyone has sexual fantasies; they are a normal part of life. But the content of sexual fantasies is incredibly diverse (and sometimes surprisingly dark). So proceed with caution. Surveys find that about a third of us fantasise about sex with a friend. You might be intrigued to know which, if any, of your friends turns your partner on. But you might prefer not to know. Or they might prefer not to say. Both are legitimate responses.

If your partner is between the ages of 18 and 44, there is a roughly one in three chance they’ve had anal sex with an opposite-sex partner. If that wasn’t with you, you can ask about it, if you’re interested. But they’re not obliged to tell.

Fantasies involving dominance and rough sex are surprisingly common, among both men and women. If you bring it up, there's a good chance—over 50%—that your partner has those fantasies. Before diving into that conversation, ensure you're ready for it. It might excite you to think about, but knowing the reality will likely feel different. Don’t just assume the excitement of the fantasy world will translate into real life; it can just as easily lead to jealousy and self-doubt.

Sharing fantasies can help both partners know what each other finds exciting and can lead to better sex. But it’s tricky terrain. Given many couples argue over who cleans up most, it’s worth recognising that talking about sexual fantasies is complex by comparison: you are venturing well off piste.

Think before you speak

One useful way to decide what to share and when, is to balance modern relationship advice with age-old wisdom that reminds us to think before we speak.

Nearly every wisdom tradition echoes this truth. Buddhism urges wise speech — only speaking when the timing is right and if it will benefit the listener. Christianity underscores the value of measured speech and holding your tongue. The Quran highlights the importance of avoiding harmful speech.

This doesn't mean bottling it up, but it does mean using judgement and common sense. The trend of "letting it all hang out" isn't for everyone and isn't always helpful. Many people are sensitive about their bodies, their sexual history, and how attractive they are to their partner. If that sounds like you or your partner, then be honest about those feelings before you decide to ‘go there’.

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Being forthright about your needs and sharing your preferences is all well and good, but mature adulthood is about verbal and emotional self-continence too. Don't be spilling out all over the place. Don’t just blurt it out. Your endless preferences of what your life should or must be like, can be taken with a pinch of salt.

Instead of ‘me, me, me’ (what I need, what I like, what feelings I’m having), relationships require you to think ‘you, you, you’ (what your partner needs, what they are feeling, what would help them out right now).

Conclusion: the middle way

Be close and open, but co-independence, not co-dependence, is the secret of a healthy relationship. You and your partner are not one. You deserve a private life. So do they. Give them space; allow them some privacy. Look to maintain a balance between closeness and independence.

There is value in unearthing hidden resentments, talking about unspoken needs, and addressing unresolved conflicts. Avoiding secrets and discussing things openly is an important part of any relationship. But be thoughtful about how and when. Sometimes your partner is tired and they do just want to watch TV. Sometimes you will have to wait.

Radical honesty also means being honest and realistic about what each of you can handle. It doesn't mean you need to share every last thought or that your partner needs to jump to it every time you have a feeling. Think carefully about when to speak and what to say if you want to create a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.