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Key points
- Children internalize the message that they are to blame for what happens to them in their life.
- Many blame themselves due to shame, lack of understanding, and coping mechanisms they developed to survive.
- Self-forgiveness is a pivotal yet often challenging aspect of the healing journey for survivors of trauma.
Kate always got into this rut whenever she thought about her past. "I brought it on myself," she would say. A 35-year-old survivor of childhood trauma, she often found herself trapped in a cycle of self-blame and guilt whenever she reflected on her past. Growing up in an abusive household, she endured years of emotional and physical torment; experiences that left deep scars.
Despite breaking free from the toxic environment as an adult, Kate carried the weight of her past experiences as a heavy burden, convinced that she was inherently flawed and somehow to blame for her experiences. Memories of her younger years haunted her. She would replay scenes of interpersonal conflict with peers that she believed she was responsible for. "I just was such a bad person," she would lament, her voice tinged with self-condemnation. The trauma she endured left her feeling trapped in a perpetual state of shame and self-loathing, unable to break free from the grip of her past. She was unable to see herself as anything but responsible for what happened to her.
As a therapist who works with survivors of childhood trauma, I find that self-blame is a common part of their experience. As a survivor myself, I experience this, too. Here are some of the reasons why this happens:
1. Internalized Shame: Children are highly impressionable, and they often internalize messages from their environment, including those that blame them for the abuse or neglect they experienced. Many traumatized children grow up with the message that they are to blame, or are somehow at fault for what happened to them. This can lead to feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and self-blame, as survivors come to believe that they somehow deserved or caused the trauma.
2. Lack of Understanding: Children may lack the cognitive and emotional maturity to fully comprehend the dynamics of abuse or trauma. They may interpret the actions of their abusers as punishment for their own perceived faults or mistakes, rather than recognizing the abusive behavior as unjust and undeserved.
3. Coping Mechanisms: In order to cope with overwhelming feelings of fear, helplessness, and confusion, children may develop coping mechanisms that involve blaming themselves for the trauma. This can serve as a way to regain a sense of control in a chaotic and unpredictable environment, as well as a means of preserving attachment to caregivers who are also the source of harm.
4. Survival Instincts: Children are inherently dependent on their caregivers for survival, and they may instinctively blame themselves for any disruptions in the caregiver-child relationship as a way to maintain a sense of safety and security. This can lead to a distorted perception of responsibility, where survivors believe that they must have done something wrong to provoke the abuse or neglect.
5. Cultural and Societal Factors: Cultural and societal attitudes towards trauma and victimization can also play a role in fostering self-blame among survivors. Messages that place undue emphasis on personal responsibility or resilience may inadvertently reinforce survivors' beliefs that they are to blame for their own suffering.
How to Break the Cycle of Self-Blame
Self-forgiveness is a pivotal yet often challenging aspect of the healing journey for survivors of trauma. When individuals have experienced trauma, whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological, the aftermath can leave deep wounds that linger long after the initial event. Alongside grappling with the actions of perpetrators or external circumstances, survivors often carry a burden of self-blame and guilt, questioning their own choices or perceived shortcomings during the traumatic experience. This internalized self-criticism can hinder the healing process and perpetuate feelings of shame and unworthiness.
Embracing self-forgiveness is not about minimizing or excusing the harm that has been done. Rather, it involves acknowledging the complexity of human experiences and recognizing that, in moments of trauma, individuals often act in ways that are survival-oriented rather than rational or deliberate, especially if the trauma happened when you were a child, when your brain was still developing.
Self-forgiveness requires compassion and empathy towards oneself, understanding that we are all imperfect beings navigating life's challenges to the best of our abilities. Through the practice of self-forgiveness, survivors can begin to release the weight of self-blame. This involves letting go of the need to constantly punish oneself for past mistakes or perceived failures and instead trying to replace these negative thoughts with self-compassion.
Engage in reflective exercises to gain insight: Without judgment, explore the context, emotions, and beliefs that influenced your behavior at the time. Recognize that you were doing the best you could with the resources and knowledge available to you at that time in your life.
In therapy, Kate began to recognize that her feelings of guilt were not a reflection of her true worth. While this did not excuse any bad behaviors that she engaged in during her healing journey, she was able to understand that these behaviors came out of a place of pain. She finally began to let go of the blame she had internalized for so long.
If you are struggling with self-worth and self-forgiveness in the aftermath of healing from childhood trauma, seek the support of a therapist who can help.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
