To The Right Honourable Owen Paterson MP
Dear Owen,
First of all, I'd like to apologise for always mixing you up with Owen Jones. Entirely my fault. Not good with names. If it's any consolation I get Peter Tatchell and Peter Hain muddled up, too.
Anyway, I'm here with some advice about the countryside. I went there once and it was shut, and that's left me with a deep concern about rural affairs.
Meteorologists aren't entirely sure what has caused Britain's recent run of damp weather. The best theory so far is that it's been caused by God's wrath at the uptick in civil partnerships (leading to a return in the singles chart for It's Raining Men). And by "best", I mean "funniest". And by "damp", I mean "apocalyptic".
What is certain is that this water is falling on Britain. And that it's wet. And that something needs to be done about it.
Several creative solutions have been put forward to your office. One, I note, is the notion that we reintroduce beavers to the UK to dam our rivers, thus choking the flow of water downstream on to the flood plains.
Now, there are at least a couple of arguments against this: first, the jokes. An influx of beavers would raise the net volume of sniggering schoolboy humour in Britain to pre-Elton levels. The response of a newly emboldened (and one must presume imminently ennobled) Jim Davidson to that temptation would be anybody's guess.
Second, Ukip. The nation's most talked-about political party would certainly have a view on this. And despite the historically wider support for the Greens and the Official Monster Raving Loony party, that would be the view that made the headlines. Foreign rodents coming over here and taking our jobs? You can't afford that kind of mid-market tabloid heat, Owen, old love. Not this soon after the cannibal rat-ship.
There are reports that military personnel might be deployed to fight the floods. Sounds unwise. Touch of the Canutes. Besides, we have fewer soldiers with every passing budget review. Rather than using a resource that's in short supply, is there anything we can deploy that we've actually got a surfeit of?
One of the other hot potatoes passing across your desk is the problem with badgers. The agricultural story editor of The Archers has convinced everyone that they're passing TB to cows. And while shooting them is clearly quicker than messing about with vaccines and such, it's got the Bohemian Rhapsody set in quite a lather. But something's got to be done with our badgers: they can't all get jobs on the Harry Hill show.
You see where I'm going with this, don't you, Owen? I'm astounded that Matt Ridley hasn't already suggested it to you. What if we re-train the clever little mammals we already have as dam-builders? If they can move goalposts, they can surely fell trees.
I'm sure they'd be willing. We're all in this together. Us and the badgers. Their setts are flooding just as surely as our safe Tory seats.
As David Cameron memorably said: "We can't go on like this." As it stands, by the time Darren Aronofsky's film summarising Genesis 6:9 – 8:22 comes out in March, people will think it's a documentary.
The badgers are already here among us. They're smart, motivated and ready to work. They don't even want money. Just not being shot will be reward enough. Although I bet if you had a bit of spare time you could make them some terrific little leather jackets as a reward for saving our low-lying villages.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on the matter. Just going to check that I don't mean Owen Hargreaves and then send it off.
All the best to Rose and family. Thanks for listening.
Yours sincerely
Michael Moran