Kevin Hart Takes a Lie Detector Test

I'm not nervous.

If you can lift your arms up for me.

Yep, this doesn't make me nervous at all.

Totally normal.

I should tell you that I have a slight heart murmur.

Okay, well, that won't effect anything.

Sometimes I'm an asmatic.

I just want you know.

I appreciate the open honesty.

Yeah, just in case any of this throws the machine off.

And I'm allergic to shell fish.

[metal clanking]

[dramatic banging]

[Interviewer] Is your name Kevin Hart?

Yes it is.

[Interviewer] Are you 38 years old?

No.

I'm 39.

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Are you about to take a polygraph exam?

Okay, I'm gonna be honest and say

I don't know what polygraph means.

No, I'm thinking pap smear.

Yes, yes, I am about to take a polygraph, yes.

[Interviewer] Well, let's get started then.

Okie dokie.

[dramatic banging]

I should of went to the bathroom.

[Technician] Do you need to go to the bathroom?

Piece of me feels like I gotta [bleep].

[Interviewer] Is he telling the truth?

Yeah.

Yeah I am.

[Interviewer] First up, [dramatic banging]

let's talk about your life.

Are you

five foot two?

Absolutely not, five foot four.

Five foot three.

Five foot three.

[Interviewer] Kevin.

Five foot two and a half.

I'm five foot two, five foot two.

[Interviewer] Let's try to tell the truth.

[Kevin] Yeah, five foot two.

[Interviewer] Are you self conscious about your height?

[blowing raspberries]

Yes.

Yes.

[Interviewer] Do you spend a lot of time

looking in the mirror?

What?

Who?

Who does that?

Who, you talking about like what?

Like, when I'm getting ready, at the top of my day,

when I'm brushing my hair or something?

That's yes, then, outside of that, no.

I'm not in the car looking at myself.

Maybe sometimes, sometimes I'm in the car

looking at myself.

Outside of that, no.

[Interviewer] Do you like what you see

when you look in the mirror?

What?

Yes.

Yes I do.

With the exception of my teeth from a certain angle,

I notice that I have very big front teeth.

I had Invisalign but I stopped wearing it, so,

my teeth popped back to where they used to be,

so I gotta go back a couple trays.

Found that out the hard way.

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Do you go to the gym every day?

Yes, I do.

You can't tell.

[chuckling] You think this sweater is this puffy,

it's not, it's my chest.

[Interviewer] Who would you say is in better shape,

you or this man?

Me, 100%.

100%, all you gotta do is just look at our shoulders.

[Interviewer] Really?

My body's way better.

And he has a stupid head.

Dwayne has a stupid shaped head, so,

he loses that battle.

[Interviewer] Would you say there's not greater gift

than being a parent?

I think that that is 100% true.

Being able to see

young kids

grow up and take on your mannerisms

and your personality traits

is the best thing in the world, you know.

To see my kids mimic

and do things

that they get from me is, it's funny,

it's funny but it's just it's heart warming so,

I agree.

[Interviewer] Of your three children,

do you have a favorite?

Oh, that's not true, there's no way that I could

ever have a favorite kid, so.

Don't even ask me that.

Love all my kids the same, equally,

like you should.

[Interviewer] Are any of them

easier to parent than others?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think I'm very lucky and fortunate

to have the kids that I have, you know.

You know, I think they're all gonna be fine,

so, yeah.

[Interviewer] Do your kids think you're funny?

No.

[Interviewer] Up next, [dramatic banging] comedy.

Do you think you're funny.

Ha, yes!

[Interviewer] Would you say you use humor

as a coping mechanism?

Yes I do, I'm sad.

[Interviewer] Why are you sad?

Because I'm nervous.

[laughing]

[Interviewer] Is that a nervous laugh?

Yes it is.

Followed by a poot.

[Interviewer] Would you say you're funnier than

this man?

Yes, I'm definitely funnier than Shaquille O'Neal,

way funnier, not even close.

[Interviewer] Are you funnier than this women?

Ha, Tiffany Haddish, yes!

Beat it Tiffany, way funnier than you.

[Interviewer] Would you say you're competitive

with your humor?

You have to explain the question,

I don't understand the question.

[Interviewer] Is it important to you

to be funnier than other people.

Absolutely not, I'm a person that shares the funny.

Even with me saying I was funnier than those two people,

I was being silly because I share the funny.

Funny is a family sport,

its not a personal sport.

Can be individual but it's better as a team sport.

[Interviewer] In your standup shows,

do you have a standard response for hecklers?

Because I'm so good, I don't get hecklers.

I haven't had a heckler in 14 years.

Wait, that's a lie, that's a lie, I caught myself

before you tell me I lied.

12 years.

[Interviewer] Well, what happened then?

Year 13, when I got a heckler?

Year 13 was one, that was one where there's this old lady

was in the front row, first of all,

she shouldn't of been at the show.

She just, she shouldn't have been there.

But I said a joke that she didn't like

and I just heard her go, Oh, baby, no.

And somebody said, What'd you say, nana?

She's like, Mm-mm, he need to find something else to do.

[laughing] It was like an old voice,

you could tell she smoked a lot of cigarettes.

No, mm-hmm. [chuckling]

I never forget it.

[Interviewer] What was your response?

Shut up old lady!

Get your old [bleep] out of here.

I mean, these jokes ain't for you.

[Interviewer] Have you ever regretted

how you handled a heckler?

No!

No, hecklers are people that want attention,

so when they attempt to cut off

or stop a comedy show with an outburst

the reason for doing that is with the hope

and expectation of the comedian responding.

There's a professional way to handle it

and there's an unprofessional way.

I've always chose the unprofessional way

because you give them what they want

and make a spectacle out of it

whether they're trying to be professional

and making it worse.

I have no regret about the way that I've handled it

but like I said, it hasn't been a lot of moments.

[Interviewer] Now, [dramatic banging]

let's talk about the fame.

Do you ever wish you weren't famous?

It's a trick question,

'cause it's like a gift and a curse.

Fame

I can do without

'cause success is what I work hard for.

I don't work hard for the fame,

I work hard for the success

and the fame comes with the success.

But, the reason why I say it's a trick question is because

it comes with the territory, so,

I make the bed that I lay in.

I don't mind it, I don't mind the appreciation that comes

with success.

A fan base is something that should be appreciated

and embraced, and I do.

I appreciate those that support me.

So I don't run away from it.

[Interviewer] Would you say that you've become

a better person now that you're rich?

No, I was always a good person.

Money never compromised who I was as a person,

money just compromises things that I'm able to do

as a person.

My integrity, who I am, what I stand for,

how I treat people, how I am on the day to day,

that's never been different.

That's actually the one thing

that I think people would tell you in the business

is that Kevin Hart is a saint.

[Interviewer] Do you have any specific green room

or dressing room demands?

Absolutely not.

So, I don't know about.

Well,

buffalo, I like buffalo wings.

Buffalo wings have to be in there.

[Interviewer] Anything else?

Starburst, just the red ones,

that's on my list.

Little turtles, I'm into turtles.

[Interviewer] Like the animal?

Not real ones, just little turtles

that can just be on the countertops.

Curtains, I'm big on white curtains.

Just white curtains, if they could just take down

whatever curtains were there before I get there,

that's about it, very happy with that.

And candles,

I'm big on candles.

Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity, it's a pancake scent.

[Interviewer] Do you buy your own groceries?

No.

I haven't been to the supermarket in years.

I don't even know where one is that's close to my house.

[laughing]

I apologize.

[Interviewer] Would you call yourself self indulgent?

Define indulgent.

My vocabulary isn't as strong when I'm nervous.

No, no, no, not at all.

Kind of, kind of.

[Interviewer] Do you think self indulgence is a bad thing?

Depends on who you ask. [chuckling]

Who you asking?

[Interviewer] You.

Oh, you're asking me?

Then no, no I don't.

If you ask some other people, they may say yes.

[Interviewer] Final question,

at any point during this interview

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

What?

Why would I, why would I do that?

Why would I answer that, that's stupid

'cause then

there's no point in getting away with it.

I beat the machine. [chuckling]

I'm like Sharron Stone

but a black man,

with pants on.

[dramatic banging]