John Mulaney's ex Anna Marie Tendler admits she still 'wants to die' THREE YEARS after their split - as she opens up about devastating IVF journey

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John Mulaney's ex Anna Marie Tendler has admitted that she 'still wants to die' three years after she and the comedian split up - as she lifted the lid on her heartbreaking IVF journey.

The 39-year-old artist got candid in her tell-all memoir, Men Have Called Her Crazy, as she confessed that she 'still feels like [she is] dying after a breakup,' despite not naming the 41-year-old, fans assumed she was referring to the actor as she has yet to publicly move on. 

In her book, Anna wrote she felt like she was 'dying' for 'one, maybe two days' instead of entire months, before noting that while she had made progress, she was still grieving her romance. 

Anna also lifted the lid on the last days of her marriage as she admitted she 'tried to hold on' but it slipped away - adding that her divorce prompted her to start 'cutting with more frequency than at any point in my life' and 'stop eating.' 

The photographer explained that she had 'a plan' to commit suicide as she lifted the lid on her 'loneliness,' which ultimately led her to pursue IVF amongst fears she would 'lose [her] community.'

John Mulaney's ex Anna Marie Tendler (seen in 2017) has admitted that she 'still wants to die' three years after she and the comedian split up - as she lifted the lid on her IVF journey

Opening up about her intense feelings surrounding the lead up to her divorce - which was finalized in 2022 and saw the actor entering a whirlwind romance with actress Olivia Munn, Anna said: 'My marriage was falling apart, and the more I tried to hold on, the faster it seemed to slip away.

'I began cutting with more frequency than at any point in my life. I was nauseous all the time and had stopped eating. No one saw how thin I had become because I only saw people from the chest up through a computer screen.

'Thoughts of dying and death consumed me. I had the will, a plan, and the means to carry out the plan.' 

She then admitted that she even had written a suicide note - although she didn't reveal when - prior to checking herself into a mental health facility in 2021.

However, after writing it, she ripped it 'into tiny pieces the following day' and 'scattering it into various garbage cans' around New York City. 

She then headed to a mental health facility to treat her depression. 

Anna explained the process that followed after being admitted in her new memoir.

'First, they take my suitcase away from me. This is so they can search my clothes for drugs and weapons,' she explained.

The 39-year-old artist got candid in her tell-all memoir, Men Have Called Her Crazy, as she confessed that she 'still feels like [she is] dying after a breakup'

She said she felt like she was 'dying' for 'one, maybe two days' instead of entire months

She opened up about her intense feelings surrounding her lead up to her divorce - which was finalized in 2022 (couple seen in 2019)

'[The hospital staff] are warm, but not too warm, hardened from years of dealing with bulls**t from patients who check in against their will, who are angry to be here, and who take their anger out on the first line of duty,' she recounted.

Anna, who was 36 when she was voluntarily admitted, said she was 'relieved, even happy' to be there, after her therapist had told her they were at an 'impasse' and in her own words, 'she was at a loss for what to do with me.'

She added that she held back tears while explaining that 'intense suicidal ideation, self-harm, disordered eating' is part of what pushed her towards treatment.

'The nurse then assesses me for suicide risk,' she wrote.

Remembering the conversation, the nurse asked the multimedia artist if she had 'thought about taking [her] life in the past 48 hours,' if she has 'the means to carry out this plan,' as well as asking her if she had been experiencing 'feelings of worthlessness.'

The photographer said she answered 'yes' to all three questions.

'On a scale from one to 10, with 10 being the greatest, how great is your desire to die?' she was asked, with Anna firmly answering: 'Eleven.'

After diving into her feelings during the period of separation, Anna admitted that she still thought about dying - three years after she and John cut ties. 

'I do still feel like I'm dying after a breakup. Only now I feel like I'm dying for one, maybe two days, instead of an entire week. Or month. Or months. That's progress,' she wrote.

She then admitted that she even had written a suicide note - although she didn't reveal when - prior to checking herself into a mental health facility in 2021 (seen in 2019)

Anna (seen in 2018) admitted that she found that wanting to die came after she realized she had to be alone

And while Anna noted that the state of her mental health had improved in the last three years, she confessed that she was still not happy (seen in 2016)

'I've come to understand that the dying feeling comes after the anger wears off, when I'm left with the emptiness of knowing I must once again rely largely on myself for company.

'I won't pretend that I'm miraculously happy now, that I never think about wanting to die. I do. 

'But my old brain before the hospital would think: "I want to die. I deserve to die. No one will ever love me. Why am I even alive? Maybe I should act on this now so I don't have to feel this way anymore."'

Anna admitted that she found that wanting to die came after she realized she had to be alone.

She said: 'I've come to understand that the dying feeling comes after the anger wears off, when I'm left with the emptiness of knowing I must once again rely largely  on myself for company.' 

And while Anna noted that the state of her mental health had improved in the last three years, she confessed that she was still not happy. 

'Now my brain thinks: "I want to die. Okay, what is this feeling? This is grief. Grief is one of the hardest feelings to feel. Why I am alive? I'm alive because I have jobs to do,"' she said.

Following her feelings of loneliness, Anna explored the option of motherhood, however, she was ultimately left devastated and fearful of her future. 

'I didn't realize having children was a choice until I was in my early 20s. It seemed like something everyone had to do at a certain point, a natural progression of life stages,' she said. 

Following her feelings of loneliness, Anna (seen in 2021) explored the option of motherhood, however, she was ultimately left devastated and fearful of her future

She revealed that she assumed injecting herself and going through IVF would be easy due to her history of self-harm (couple seen in 2017)

'No particular moment catalyzed the choice. I simply remember thinking one day, "Oh wait, I don't have to be a mom." From that day forward I never really wanted to be one. My reservations about motherhood have been shaped by my feelings about men, their general incompetence, their propensity toward selfishness, and their inability to empathize with the female experience.

'In my 20s and early 30s the concept of life without motherhood was easy to maintain. I still had "so much time." Now, at 36, I have not much time at all.'

She revealed that she assumed injecting herself and going through IVF would be easy due to her history of self-harm. 

However, when she only got four viable eggs, Anna was left heartbroken. 

'My eyes fill with tears and I can no longer read the card. I never considered I might not get many eggs,' she said.

'Most of my friends who have also gone through this process froze double digits. I just assumed I would follow suit. I feel like a failure.' 

One year later, she attempted to start another round of IVF, however, before she could begin doctors found an ovarian cyst and advised her to wait. 

Anna never returned to complete her second round and now wonders what life would be like as a childless woman. 

John and Anna began their relationship as friends, eventually began dating and then tying the knot (seen in 2019)

After their separation, John swiftly moved on with actress Olivia - who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer - and the lovebirds then welcomed a child in November 2021

'I'm afraid that once everyone in our group has children except for me, I'll be unimportant - the single, childless woman to whom they can no longer relate. I'm afraid I'll lose my community and my support system, and that fear is so intense that it comes out as laughter at the same time it comes out as tears.

'I remind myself for the millionth time that on the other side of pregnancy is motherhood, and I'm not sure I'm up for that.' 

John and Anna began their relationship as friends, eventually began dating and then tying the knot.  

The comedian proposed in 2013 and the two said 'I do' just one year later. 

However, their marriage was cut short when John exited rehab for cocaine addiction and alcoholism, and filed for divorce in 2021. 

By 2022, their divorce was finalized. At the time, Anna released a statement saying she was 'heartbroken' by the comedian's decision, but wished him 'support and success.'

After their separation, John swiftly moved on with actress Olivia - who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer - and the lovebirds then welcomed a child in November 2021. 

Just this year, John and Olivia tied the knot in an intimate ceremony.

Following their breakup, Anna was rumored to be dating chef Nicholas Tran, however, it was never confirmed.

If you or anyone you know needs help, you can reach Samaritans NYC at 212-673-3000 or the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386.

For confidential assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988 or click here.