Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
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About this ebook
Hazel Camille Bradford knows she’s a lot to take—and frankly, most men aren’t up to the challenge. If her army of pets and thrill for the absurd don’t send them running, her lack of filter means she’ll say exactly the wrong thing in a delicate moment. Their loss. She’s a good soul in search of honest fun.
Josh Im has known Hazel since college, where her zany playfulness proved completely incompatible with his mellow restraint. From the first night they met—when she gracelessly threw up on his shoes—to when she sent him an unintelligible email while in a post-surgical haze, Josh has always thought of Hazel more as a spectacle than a peer. But now, ten years later, after a cheating girlfriend has turned his life upside down, going out with Hazel is a breath of fresh air.
Not that Josh and Hazel date. At least, not each other. Because setting each other up on progressively terrible double blind dates means there’s nothing between them...right?
Christina Lauren
Christina Lauren is the combined pen name of longtime writing partners and best friends Christina Hobbs and Lauren Billings, the New York Times, USA TODAY, and #1 internationally bestselling authors of the Beautiful and Wild Seasons series, Autoboyography, Love and Other Words, Roomies, Josh and Hazel’s Guide to Not Dating, The Unhoneymooners, The Soulmate Equation, Something Wilder, The True Love Experiment and The Paradise Problem. You can find them online at ChristinaLaurenBooks.com or @ChristinaLauren on Instagram.
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Reviews for Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
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What our readers think
Readers find this title to be a fun and entertaining contemporary romance with well-written and lovable protagonists. The book captures readers with its witty and humorous dialogue, heartwarming moments, and a good dose of sensuality. The chemistry between the characters is excellent, and their friendship is strong and believable. While some readers felt that the ending was rushed and could have been better, overall, the book is enjoyable and engaging. It is a light-hearted romance with a touch of nostalgia that leaves readers wanting more. Christiana Lauren never disappoints with her authentic and relatable characters.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!!! An extremely lovely book y’all should read it goooo !!!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5amazing book , thank you crhistina lauren for make believe that this kind of love does exist , so read it cause it is a wonderfun steamy funny novel that will keeping you laughing antil the end
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5So much love for everything Christina Lauren creates. I have yet to find a book that I haven't thoroughly enjoyed. Hazel is everything. Always be your wild, true self. ?
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This was SO GOOD! Her best book and One of the best I’ve ever read!!!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I enjoyed the blind dates they went on. Heartwarming and funny.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Her best book! I love Josh and Hazel. You root for them literally the entire time.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5i really love it at the 2/3 parts, but for the 1/3??? theres no way for the ending to be like that ?
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5????.5/5
??.5/5
I adored the dynamic of crazy, lovable Hazel and perfect, swoony Josh! This was a delicious slow burn that had me screaming at the two of them in anticipation with each swipe of the page!
From terrible double dates to realizing they have fun when it's just the two of them; this couples love story bloomed flawlessy! I loved this book so much!
The epilogue made my heart so happy!!!! - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I love it! Refreshing and fun, typical romcom but the way all described in details makes all plays in mind effortlessly
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This book follows Hazel Bradford, a wild, eclectic lady who doesn't do anything by the book. She has like five pets, all different species, has no filter, and lives confidently. The other main character in the book is Josh Im, a calm, clean person who couldn't be more opposite. The book chronicles Hazel and Josh's friendship and story, from when she pukes on his shoes in college to becoming best friends and partners years later.
I liked this book a lot. I love love stories that begin with friendship and build up tension, and this story absolutely did that. It was fun to read about Hazel's antics and how she and Josh interacted and got to know one another. Lots of spicy scenes, which are always a lot of fun. This book was truly a pleasure to read and I can't wait to read more from this author. - Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Loved it. So fun and passionate. Rom com style but better. I wish I was Hazel and will be reading this book again!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I really really loved this book! At first I wasn't sure where we were going with Josh & Hazel, I was frustrated with them for a good portion of the book, but I love them and their characters :) 10/10
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This was such a fun, light hearted romance book. I love Hazel and really enjoyed the love and chemistry between Josh and Hazel. To be fair this also in some small ways remind me of how my wife and I ended up together but with me having the long time crush on her, and thinking that she was just perfect. So for me the nostalgia is there. This story was a quick read and steamy at times. I thoroughly enjoyed it. There was a few things I would change about it. A few things I would of like to seen more in detail but other than that this was amazing!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Adorable!!!! A great book with perfectly written protagonists!!!! If you want to read something fun I really recommend it!!!
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5The audiobook was unbearable. The male voice did the female’s voice SO poorly
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I loved these characters so much! Wish I had more of them! Thanks for the great story .
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book made me laugh out loud, several times and I rarely do that! I loved the characters and the way they interacted. Hazel was just this wild, over the top, love you with all she has crazy ball of energy. Josh was this reserved, kind, intensely caring man. Their friendship was so strong and right I just loved it. Her sense of humor just cracked me up. It was witty, fun, light, serious. Just so much crammed into one book. I definitely be reading more by this author. I seriously loved Josh Im and Hazel.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Quirky and I loved it! Hilarious ! Story captures you from the get and makes you not want to put down your phone !
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Great characters. They win you over so quickly . Funny, whimsical..Well written.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Interesting characters and realistic situations that were very relatable
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I absolutely loved it!!! Such a good love story!!! I feel like maybe the end was rushed a little bit, but I still loved it. And it's hilarious! I was laughing at almost every page. Definitely one of my favorites <3
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Needed something light to read. This was perfect. Definitely reading more of Christina Lauren's.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Quirky Hazel had a crush on Josh back in college. When he re-enters her life seven years later, she decides that they should be best friends. Obviously, they're not going to be anything more -- she puked on his shoes when they first met, and their interactions haven't gotten any less embarrassing. After a painful breakup between Josh and his girlfriend, Josh and Hazel hit on a plan to set each up on blind double-dates. These always seem to turn into hilarious adventures, but pretty soon it becomes obvious to everyone around them that Josh and Hazel should actually be dating each other.I said earlier that I should take a break from romance novels, and then a friend reviewed this one, and I needed an audiobook for my Thanksgiving car trip, so I thought, "Why not?" This is a fun, moderately steamy read. I wanted Hazel's quirks to be less cute, but no, she was pretty much a manic pixie dream girl (albeit a confident, self-aware one). Still, if you are less curmudgeonly than I about romance right now, you'll probably enjoy this one a lot. (I enjoyed it, just grumpily.)
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hazel Bradford is fully aware that she's weird by most people's definition. She also doesn't really care. Josh Im is far more conventional but he's always found Hazel charming from the moment she awkwardly introduced herself to him and then threw up on his shoes at a party in college. When they meet again several years later, Hazel is determined to be besties with Josh and when Josh's romantic life implodes, he's willing to go along with her plan of setting each other up on blind double dates. However, as time goes on everyone who knows Josh and Hazel has only one question: why aren't they dating each other?A super cute contemporary romance that had me laughing out loud regularly. Hazel is an eccentric but it's a lot of fun to spend time in her point of view and the way she and Josh interact with each other is thoroughly charming. Josh's Korean family and upbringing provide him with solid grounding as a character as well, and make him feel like more than just handsome, decent guy. I also loved the funny details like Hazel's names for all her pets. Plus, the final conflict and resolution didn't go at all the way I expected and while still a bit trope-y were not any less enjoyable. I'll definitely being reading more of Christina Lauren's novels and would recommend it for contemporary romance readers with a moderate tolerance for steamy reading.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5nice and lighthearted, super funny, representation is a +++++, it’s still deep and well rounded, LOVED IT, read in a day lol
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This was a great book. Super adorable and read really well.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Hazel is a quirky girl and not ashamed of it. She does however have her insecurities. She may be ok with being herself, but she sees that as making her "undateable" to most guys. She holds out little hope that she will find someone who will stick around after they have seen her in all her craziness. Josh is a normal guy who Hazel met in college. They meet again years later and even though Josh thinks Hazel is kind of unusual, he also finds himself drawn to her sense of fun and adventure. They develop a friendship that gradually becomes more. I liked parts of this, but in the middle I just wanted to speed through all the blind dates Josh and Hazel have with other people they have chosen for each other. I also felt that the ending was rushed and I wanted to read more story after they finally admit their true feelings. This is my first book by this author, and I'm going to see what else she has to offer.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5I feel like the buildup and intense anticipation of the two leads getting together was good but in comparison, the outcome was anticlimactic.
The ending could have been a tad better to give justice to their pining for each other throughout the book. The trope was a good one though.1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This one is a completely enjoyable, if not at all a believable romance. The turn at the end is one of my absolute least favorite things in romance, but at least it only happened at the end. Hazel is a fun character, but if the authors would have toned it down just a smidge, she might have felt like someone who could actually exist. Now she was reduced to a caricature. However, when I read romance, I'm not necessarily hankering for realism to begin with, so it's all good. I'll definitely keep getting to know this duo's writing better.
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5It's charming and witty! I love friends to lovers story, and it's so far one of the best stories I've ever read ❤
1 person found this helpful
Book preview
Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating - Christina Lauren
PROLOGUE
HAZEL CAMILLE BRADFORD
Before we get started, there are a few things you should know about me:
I am both broke and lazy—a terrible combination.
I am perpetually awkward at parties and in an effort to relax will probably end up drinking until I’m topless.
I tend to like animals more than people.
I can always be counted on to do or say the worst possible thing in a delicate moment.
In summary, I am superb at making an ass out of myself.
At the outset, this should explain how I have successfully never dated Josh Im: I have made myself entirely undatable in his presence.
For instance, the first time we met, I was eighteen and he was twenty and I vomited on his shoes.
Surprising no one who was there (and consistent with point number two, above), I don’t remember this night, but trust me—Josh does. Apparently I’d toppled an entire folding table of drinks mere minutes after arriving at my first real college party, and retreated to the shame corner with my fellow freshmen, where I could drown my embarrassment in the remaining cheap alcohol.
When Josh tells this story he makes sure to mention that before I threw up on his shoes, I charmed him with a dazed You are the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, and I would be honored to give you sex tonight.
I chased down the bitter taste of his horrified silence with a badly advised body shot of triple sec off Tony Bialy’s abs.
Five minutes later, I was vomiting all over everything, including Josh.
It didn’t end there. A year later, I was a sophomore, and Josh was a senior. By then I’d learned you don’t do shots of triple sec, and when a sock is slid over the doorknob, it means your roommate is getting laid, so don’t come in.
Unfortunately, Josh didn’t speak sock, and I didn’t know he was rooming with Mike Stedermeier, star quarterback and the guy I was currently banging. Currently banging, as in that very moment. Which is why the second time I met Josh Im, he walked into his dorm room to find me naked, bent over his couch, going for it on fourth and long.
But I would say the best example comes from a little story we like to call The Email Incident.
Spring semester of my sophomore year, Josh was my anatomy TA. Up until that point, I’d known he was good-looking, but I’d had no idea that he was actually amazing. He held extra office hours to help people who fell behind. He shared his old notes with us and held study sessions at coffee shops before exams. He was smart, and funny, and laid-back in a way I already knew I would never master.
We were all infatuated with him, but for me it went deeper: Josh Im became my blueprint for Perfect. I wanted to be his friend.
So, I’d just had my wisdom teeth out. I was convinced beforehand that it would be simple: pull a few teeth, take a few ibuprofen, call it a day. But as it happens, my teeth were impacted and I had to be knocked out for their removal. I woke up later at home, in a painkiller-induced sweat, with hollow aching caves in my mouth, cheeks full of cotton tubes, and the frantic recollection that I had a paper due in two days.
Ignoring my mom’s suggestion that she soberly send one for me, I composed and sent the following email, which Josh currently has printed out and framed in his bathroom:
Dera Josh.,
In class you sed that if we email you our paper you would look over them. I wanted to send you my paper and I put it in my calendar so as not forget. But the thing that happened is that I had a witsdom tooth out actually all of them. I have tried very hard in this clas and have a solid B (!!!). You are very smart and I nknw that I will do better if you help me. Can I have a few extra days???? I’m not feeling very well with this pills and please I know that you can’t make exceptions for all the pope but if you do it for me this one thing I will give all my wishes in a fountain for youfrom now on
i love you,
Hazel Bradford (it’s Hazel not Haley like you said it’s ok don’t be embearassed emberessed sad)
Incidentally, he also has his reply printed out, and framed just below it:
Hazel-not-Haley,
I can make this exception. And don’t worry, I’m not embarrassed. It’s not like I puked in your shoes or rolled around naked on your couch.
Josh
It was at this moment precisely that I knew Josh and I were destined to be best friends and I could never, ever mess it up by trying to sleep with him.
Unfortunately, he graduated, and sleeping with him wouldn’t be a problem because it would be nearly a decade before I saw him again. You’d think in that time I would have become less of a hot mess, or he would have forgotten all about Hazel-not-Haley Bradford.
You’d be wrong.
ONE
HAZEL
SEVEN YEARS LATER
Anyone who knew me in college might be horrified to hear that I ended up employed as an elementary school teacher, responsible for educating our wide-eyed, sponge-brained youth, but in truth, I suspect I’m pretty great at it. For one, I’m not afraid of making a fool of myself. And two, I think there’s something about the eight-year-old brain that just resonates with me on a spiritual level.
Third grade is my sweet spot; eight-year-olds are a trip.
After two years spent student-teaching fifth grade, I felt constantly sticky and harried. Another year in transitional kindergarten and I knew I didn’t have the endurance for so much potty training. But third felt like the perfect balance of fart jokes without the sometimes-disastrous intentional farting, hugs from kids who think I’m the smartest person alive, and having enough authority to get everyone’s attention simply by clapping my hands once.
Unfortunately, today is the last day of school, and as I take down the many, many inspirational pages, calendars, sticker charts, and art masterpieces from my classroom walls, I register that this is also the last day I’m going to see this particular third grade classroom. A tiny ball of grief materializes in my throat.
You have Sad Hazel posture.
I turn, surprised to find Emily Goldrich behind me. She’s not only my best gal, she’s also a teacher—though not here at Merion—and she looks tidy and recently showered because she’s a week ahead of me into summer break. Em is also holding what I pray is a bag full of Thai takeout. I am hungry enough to eat the little jeweled apple clip in her hair. I look like a filthy mop head covered in the fading glitter eight-year-old Lucy Nguyen decided would be a fun last-day surprise.
I am, a little.
I point around the room, at three out of four empty walls. Though there’s something cathartic about it, too.
Emily and I met about nine months ago in an online political forum, where it was clear we were both childless because of all the time we spent there ranting into the void. We met up in person for venting over coffee and became immediate fast friends. Or, maybe more accurately, I decided she was amazing and invited her to coffee again and again until she agreed. The way Emily describes it: when I meet someone I love, I become an octopus and wind my tentacles around their heart, tighter and tighter until they can’t deny they love me just the same.
Emily works at Riverview teaching fifth (a true warrior among us), and when a position opened for a third grade teacher there, I sprinted down to the district with my application in hand. So desperate was I for the coveted spot in a top-ten school that only once I got out of my car and started the march up the steps to HR did I register that I was (1) braless and (2) still wearing my Homer Simpson slippers.
No matter. I was properly attired for the interview two weeks later. And guess who got the job?
I think it’s me!
(As in, it isn’t confirmed but Emily is married to the principal so I’m pretty sure I’m in.)
Are you coming tonight?
Em’s question pulls me out of the mental and physical war I’m waging with a particularly stubborn staple in the wall. Tonight?
Tonight.
I glance at her patiently over my shoulder. More clues.
My house.
More specific clues?
I’ve spent many a Friday night at Em’s, playing Mexican Train dominoes with her and Dave and eating whatever meat Dave has grilled that night.
She sighs and walks to my desk, retrieving a hammer from my dalmatian-print box of tools so I can more easily pry the metal from the plaster. "The barbecue."
Right!
I brandish the hammer in victory. That little asshole staple is mine to destroy! (Or recycle responsibly.) The work party.
It’s not officially work. But a few of the cool teachers will be there, and you might want to meet them.
I eye her with faint trepidation; we all remember Hazel Point Number Two. You promise you’ll monitor my booze intake?
For some reason, this makes her laugh, and it causes a silver pulse of anticipation to flash through my blood when she tells me, You’ll be just fine with the Riverview crowd.
I get the sense Emily wasn’t yanking my chain. I hear music all the way to the curb when I climb out of Giuseppe, my trusty 2009 Saturn. The music is by one of the Spanish singers that Dave loves, layered with the irregular sound of glass clinking, voices, and Dave’s awesome braying laugh. My nose tells me he’s grilling carne asada, which means that he’s also making margaritas, which means I’ll need to stay focused to keep my shirt on tonight.
Wish me luck.
With a deep, bracing breath, I do one more check of my outfit. I swear it’s not a vanity thing; more often than not, something is unbuttoned, a hem is tucked into underwear, or I’ve got an important garment on inside out. This characteristic might explain, in part, why third graders feel so at home in my classroom.
Emily and Dave’s house is a late Victorian with a shock of independently minded ivy invading the side that leads to the backyard. A winding flower bed points the way to the gate; I follow it around to where the sound of music floats up and over the fence.
Emily really went all out for this Welcome, Summer!
barbecue. A garland of paper lanterns is strung over the walkway. Her sign even has the correct comma placement. Dinner parties at my apartment consist of paper plates, boxed wine, and the last three minutes before serving featuring me running around like a maniac because I burned the lasagna, insisting I DON’T NEED ANY HELP JUST SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
I shouldn’t really get into the comparison game with Emily, of all people. I love the woman but she makes the rest of us look like limp vegetation. She gardens, knits, reads at least a book a week, and has the enviable ability to eat like a frat boy without ever gaining weight. She also has Dave, who, aside from being my new boss (fingers crossed!), is progressive in an effortless way that makes me feel like he’s a better feminist than I am. He’s also almost seven feet tall (I measured him with uncooked spaghetti one night) and good-looking in an Are you sure he isn’t a fireman? kind of way. I bet they have amazing sex.
Emily shrieks my name, and a backyard full of my future friends turns to see why she’s just shouted, Get your rack over here!
But I’m immediately distracted by the sight of the yard tonight. The grass is the kind of green you’ll only find in the Pacific Northwest. It rolls away from the stone path like an emerald carpet. The beds are full of hostas just starting to unfurl their leaves, and a massive oak stands in the center of it all, its branches heavy with tiny paper lanterns and stretched in a canopy of leaves protecting the guests from the last bit of fading sun.
Emily waves me over and I smile at Dave—nodding like, Duh, Dave, when he holds up the margarita pitcher in question—and cross through a small group of people (maybe my new colleagues!) to the far end of the yard.
Hazel,
Em calls, come over here. Seriously,
she says to the two women at her side, you’re going to love her so much.
So, hey guess what? My first conversation with the third grade teachers at Riverview is about breasts, and this time I wasn’t even the one to bring them up. I know! I wouldn’t have expected that, either! Apparently Trin Beckman is the most senior teacher in our grade, and when Emily points to her breasts, I readily agree she’s got a great rack. She seems to think they need to be in a better bra and then mentions something about three pencils I don’t entirely catch. Allison Patel, my other third grade peer, is lamenting her A cups.
Emily points to her own A’s and frowns at my perky C’s. You win.
What does my trophy look like?
I ask. A giant bronze cock?
The words are out before I can stop them. I swear my mouth and my brain are siblings who hate each other and give each other wedgies in the form of mortifying moments like this. Now it seems my brain has deserted me.
Emily looks like a giant bird has just flown into her mouth. Allison looks like she’s contemplating this all very seriously. We all startle when Trin bursts out laughing. "You were right, she is going to be fun."
I exhale, and feel a tiny bolt of pride at this—especially when I realize she’s drinking water. Trin isn’t tickled by my lack of filter because she’s already tipsy on one of Dave’s killer margaritas; she’s just cool with weirdos. My octopus tentacles twitch at my side.
A shadow materializes at Emily’s right but I’m distracted by the perfectly timed margarita Dave presses into my hand with a whispered, Take it slow, H-Train,
before disappearing again.
My new boss is the best!
What’s going on over here?
It’s an unfamiliar male voice, and Emily answers, We were just discussing how Hazel’s boobs are better than all of ours.
I look up from my drink to see whether I actually know the person currently studying my chest and… oh.
Ohhhh.
Dark eyes widen and quickly flicker away. A carved jaw twitches. My stomach turns over.
It’s him. Josh.
Josh fucking Im. The blueprint for Perfect.
He coughs out a husky breath. I think I’ll skip the boob talk.
Somehow Josh is even better-looking than he was in college, all tanned and fit and with his flawlessly crafted features. He’s ducking away in horror already but my brain takes this opportunity to give my mouth a revenge wedgie.
It’s cool.
I wave an extremely casual hand. Josh has already seen my boobs.
The party stops.
Air stills.
"I mean, not because he wanted to see them. My brain desperately tries to fix this.
They were forced on him."
A wind chime rings mournfully in the distance.
Birds stop flying midair and fall to their deaths.
"Not forced, like, by me, I say, and Emily groans in pain.
But like his roommate had me—"
Josh puts a hand on my arm. Hazel. Just… stop.
Emily looks on, completely confused. Wait. How do you guys know each other?
He answers without taking his eyes off me. College.
Glory days, am I right?
I give him my best grin.
With an expectant look tossed to each of us Trin asks, "Did you guys date?"
Josh pales. "Oh my God. Never."
Holy crap, I forgot how much I like this guy.
That little sneak Dave Goldrich, principal, waits until I’ve had three margaritas before telling me I officially have the job as Riverview’s newest third grade teacher. I’m pretty sure he does this to see what astounding response comes out of my mouth, so I hope he isn’t disappointed with Holy shit! Are you fucking with me?
He laughs. I am not.
Do I already have a thick HR file?
Not officially.
Bending from somewhere up near the International Space Station, Dave drifts down to plant a kiss on the top of my head. But you’re not getting the favorite treatment, either. I separate work life from personal. You’ll need to do the same.
I pick up on the only thing that matters here. I’m your favorite?
I bare my teeth, flashing my charming dimple. I won’t tell Emily if you won’t.
Dave laughs and makes a dramatic reach for my glass, but I evade him, leaning in to add, About Josh. Is he a tea—?
My sister didn’t tell me you’re joining the staff at Riverview.
Josh must be part vampire because I swear he just materializes in empty spaces near warm bodies.
I straighten, flapping at the air in front of my face and trying to clear the confusion. "Your sister?"
My sister,
he repeats slowly, known to you as Emily Goldrich, known to our parents as Im Yujin.
All of a sudden, it clicks. I’ve only ever known Em’s married name. It never occurred to me that the beloved big brother—or oppa—I’m always hearing about is the very same Josh I barfed on all those years ago. Wow. Apparently this is the grown-up version of the metal-mouthed tween brother I’ve seen in the row of photos in Emily’s living room. Well done, puberty.
Turning, I yell over my shoulder, Emily, your Korean name is Yujin?
She nods. He’s Jimin.
I look at him like I’m seeing a new person in front of me. The two syllables of his name are like a sensual exhale, something I might say immediately preorgasm when words fail me. That might be the hottest name I’ve ever heard.
He blanches, like he’s afraid I’m about to offer to have sex with him again, and I burst out laughing.
I realize I should be mortified that Past Hazel was so dramatically inappropriate, but it’s not like I’m that much better now, and regret isn’t really my speed anyway. For the count of three quick breaths, Josh and I grin at each other in intense shared amusement. Our eyes are cartoon-spiral wild.
But then his smile straightens as he seems to remember that I am ridiculous.
I promise to not proposition you at your sister’s party,
I tell him, pseudo–sotto voce.
Josh mumbles an awkward Thanks.
Dave asks, "Hazel propositioned you?"
Josh nods, holding eye contact with me for a couple more seconds before looking over to his brother-in-law—my new boss. She did.
I did,
I agree. In college. Just before vomiting on his shoes. It was one of my more undatable moments.
She’s had a few.
Josh blinks down when his phone buzzes, pulling it out of his pocket. He reads a text with absolutely no reaction and then puts the phone away.
There must be some male pheromone thing happening, because Dave has extracted something from this moment that I have not. Bad news?
he asks, brows drawn, voice all low, like Josh is a sheet of fragile glass.
Josh shrugs, expression even. A muscle ticks in his jaw and I resist reaching out and pressing it like I’m playing Simon. Tabitha isn’t going to make it up for the weekend.
I feel my own jaw creak open. There are real people named Tabitha?
Both men turn to look at me like they don’t know what I mean.
But come on.
I just—
I continue, haltingly. Tabitha seems like what you’d name someone if you expect them to be really, really… evil. Like, living in a lair and hoarding spotted puppies.
Dave clears his throat and lifts his glass to his mouth, drinking deeply. Josh stares at me. Tabby is my girlfriend.
Tabby?
Swallowing back a strangled laugh, Dave puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. Hazel. Shut up.
HR file?
I look up at his familiar face, all bearded and calm. It’s dark out now, and he’s backlit by a few strings of outdoor lights.
The party doesn’t count,
he assures me, but you’re a maniac. Ease Josh in a little.
I think the fact that I’m a maniac is partly why I’m your favorite.
Dave nearly breaks, but he manages to turn and walk away before I can tell. I am now alone with Josh Im. He studies me like he’s looking at something infectious through a microscope.
I always thought I caught you in… a phase.
His left eyebrow makes a fancy arch. Apparently you’re just like this.
I feel like I have a lot to apologize for,
I admit, but I can’t be sure I won’t be constantly exasperating you, so maybe I’ll just wait until we’re elderly.
Half of his mouth turns up. I can say without question I’ve honestly never known anyone else like you.
So completely undatable?
Something like that.
TWO
JOSH
Hazel Bradford. Wow.
Pretty much everyone we went to college with has a Hazel Bradford story. Of course, my old roommate Mike has many—mostly of the wild sexual variety—but others have ones more similar to mine: Hazel Bradford doing a mud run half marathon and coming to her night lab before showering because she didn’t want to be late. Hazel Bradford getting more than a thousand signatures of support to