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Boundaries in Dating
Boundaries in Dating offers illuminating insights for romance that can help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control as you pursue healthy dating limits that can lead to a happy marriage. Dating can be fun, but it's not easy. Meeting people is just the first step. Once you've met someone, then what? Should you move on, pursue a simple friendship, or more? How do you set smart limits on your physical relationship? How much do you get involved financially? And how do you know if you've found your future spouse? In Boundaries in Dating , Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the New York Times bestseller Boundaries , answer all of these questions and more. Helping you bridge the pitfalls of dating, Drs. Cloud and Townsend share their practical advice for adding healthy boundaries to your dating life. Boundaries in Dating unfolds a wise, biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy. Let Drs. Cloud and Townsend help you get to know yourself, solve problems, and enjoy the journey of dating and finding your life partner. Full of insightful, real-life examples, this much-needed book will give you the tools you need to: Don't forget to check out the Boundaries collection of books and workbooks dedicated to key areas of your life, including dating, marriage, parenting kids, raising teenagers, and leadership.
280 pages, Paperback
Published March 1, 2000
About the author
Henry Cloud
273 books1,942 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 478 reviews
April 3, 2008
while people who aren't Christian may not get enjoy this book, it is such a great reminder for developing healthy relationships, and is a tell-all book of how to conduct one's self in a relationship. very nice :)
I personally realized what it was that never worked in past relationships, and how to step through each day in dating in order to get the most out of a relationship, and not let tendencies of my X-generation determine the fate of my relationship.
Don't let people step on you, this book will help you realize people that will make relationships particularly hard, when to get out of those, and how to conduct yourself so that you don't become that person. It takes two to make a relationship work :)
I personally realized what it was that never worked in past relationships, and how to step through each day in dating in order to get the most out of a relationship, and not let tendencies of my X-generation determine the fate of my relationship.
Don't let people step on you, this book will help you realize people that will make relationships particularly hard, when to get out of those, and how to conduct yourself so that you don't become that person. It takes two to make a relationship work :)
August 31, 2012
"You will have a good relationship to the degree that you are able to be clear and honest about everything."
"People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work."
"Many people try to change their patterns all on their own, using willpower, discipline, resolve, and the like. Sooner or later, they tend to fail. A desire to change is generally not enough, or we would have changed before...(Colossians 2:23).
Relationship is the fuel which makes change and growth possible. It provides comfort so you can bear the difficulty of change. It creates support for the person as she struggles and fails. It brings reality to her, so that she can change directions and try new ways of solving her problems."
"In a mature relationship, romantic idealization waxes and wanes through the connection at various times. It arises out of a deep appreciation and gratitude for the person's presence and love, yet it retains the reality of who he is at the same time."
"Instead of expressing love through sex, the luster replaces love with sex."
"[God] does not look at us as like a piece of porcelain that, once broken, is always broken. He looks at us all as broken people whom he makes new again."
"So many people naively think they will meet a kindred spirit who will never have an argument with them...And they are devastated or lose hope when they find themselves having long-term conflicts...Give up the demand that your relationship be conflict-free, get over it, and go to the next step."
"Does your date know how you feel about how he treats you? Or do you minimize it, make excuses for it, or simply give him the silent treatment, hoping he will get the message? This is not an honest approach."
"People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work."
"Many people try to change their patterns all on their own, using willpower, discipline, resolve, and the like. Sooner or later, they tend to fail. A desire to change is generally not enough, or we would have changed before...(Colossians 2:23).
Relationship is the fuel which makes change and growth possible. It provides comfort so you can bear the difficulty of change. It creates support for the person as she struggles and fails. It brings reality to her, so that she can change directions and try new ways of solving her problems."
"In a mature relationship, romantic idealization waxes and wanes through the connection at various times. It arises out of a deep appreciation and gratitude for the person's presence and love, yet it retains the reality of who he is at the same time."
"Instead of expressing love through sex, the luster replaces love with sex."
"[God] does not look at us as like a piece of porcelain that, once broken, is always broken. He looks at us all as broken people whom he makes new again."
"So many people naively think they will meet a kindred spirit who will never have an argument with them...And they are devastated or lose hope when they find themselves having long-term conflicts...Give up the demand that your relationship be conflict-free, get over it, and go to the next step."
"Does your date know how you feel about how he treats you? Or do you minimize it, make excuses for it, or simply give him the silent treatment, hoping he will get the message? This is not an honest approach."
January 26, 2015
While many previous reviewers (rightly) noted that this book covers a lot of "common sense" concepts (though common sense isn't as commonly exercised as it may once have been....), I think the most beneficial takeaway was its comprehensive picture of what maturity in the context of dating looks like. Distinguishing between deep character flaws and petty annoyances, taking responsibility for enabling a date's misbehavior while also addressing it, and handling conflict honestly and graciously are all learned skills; we're not born selfless, and navigating a relationship that isn't necessarily (yet?) a lifelong commitment can be a little hairy sometimes. Like their cornerstone book, Boundaries, the overarching message is to genuinely love others well (and by well, I mean unselfishly) without allowing them to abuse or mistreat you, and without becoming overbearing or disregarding their freedom to choose (even if you don't like their choices).
Again, it paints a good "big picture" of maturity, mostly through the use of case studies and straightforward breakdowns of issues' common roots. It would be a great resource for those who may feel "stuck" in a pattern of dating the "wrong" people, for those who mentor singles, and for those who are interested in the psychology of relationship development from a biblical perspective. (Honestly, even if you don't have a biblical perspective, the insight is still valuable and applicable. It's simply a solid read.)
Again, it paints a good "big picture" of maturity, mostly through the use of case studies and straightforward breakdowns of issues' common roots. It would be a great resource for those who may feel "stuck" in a pattern of dating the "wrong" people, for those who mentor singles, and for those who are interested in the psychology of relationship development from a biblical perspective. (Honestly, even if you don't have a biblical perspective, the insight is still valuable and applicable. It's simply a solid read.)
April 16, 2018
Zoo wee Mama, do I have some thoughts on this one.
First, the positives: like many of those said before me, this book has a lot of common sense advice. If you're like me and couldn't understand flirting if it hit you across the face with a frying pan, this book really helps you see how people date, how dating is supposed to work, and how to establish boundaries with those you date.
The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience (am I saying this from a place of personal experience? maybe), or who were never really taught what boundaries are and that you're supposed to have them with everyone, this is a good book to pick up. Especially if you're Christian.
I do believe we live in a society that "romanticizes" romance, where you're supposed to be 100% devoted to your partner, tell them EVERYTHING, let them into every part of your life, let them do whatever possible for ~love~. This book reminds us that no, you're a human, you can ask for proper treatment and allow consequences if your needs are not respected or met. It removes the guilt of wanting space, and removes the stigma of a "crazy" partner who doesn't want you looking through their phone all for the sake of love.
Some other thoughts I had:
Cloud and Townstead write a lot about boundaries, about growth, etc, but seem to forget that when it comes to dating, purity culture is being dismantled day by day (for good reason). Every chapter, you get hit in the face with the fact that Cloud and Townstead don't like sex before marriage. Cool, great, nice, but why is this in a chapter about not cutting yourself off from friends and family?
Also, Cloud and Townstead are two middle aged dudes who dated when purity culture was still running rampant. If you want dating advice written for a modern age (please put your pitchforks down before you try be for heretical thought), this might not be the BEST book, but it's a good book. A lot of their views on sex are in line with the hushed whispers and Bible thumping rigid thoughts of Midwest Protestantism. It gets tiring.
I also found it interesting that some of the examples used include people who are dedicated enough to be talking marriage, then decide that when the other isn't willing to commit yet (which is fine and established more as the partner needing time, or needing to see their partner isn't going to wait forever), they're just going to "see other people" for a while.
Maybe it's the language but that sounds like a strange lack of commitment for a relationship discussing marriage.
I digress, and nitpick, and I know that. Not a bad book.
First, the positives: like many of those said before me, this book has a lot of common sense advice. If you're like me and couldn't understand flirting if it hit you across the face with a frying pan, this book really helps you see how people date, how dating is supposed to work, and how to establish boundaries with those you date.
The common sense advice helps those who might not have a lot of dating experience (am I saying this from a place of personal experience? maybe), or who were never really taught what boundaries are and that you're supposed to have them with everyone, this is a good book to pick up. Especially if you're Christian.
I do believe we live in a society that "romanticizes" romance, where you're supposed to be 100% devoted to your partner, tell them EVERYTHING, let them into every part of your life, let them do whatever possible for ~love~. This book reminds us that no, you're a human, you can ask for proper treatment and allow consequences if your needs are not respected or met. It removes the guilt of wanting space, and removes the stigma of a "crazy" partner who doesn't want you looking through their phone all for the sake of love.
Some other thoughts I had:
Cloud and Townstead write a lot about boundaries, about growth, etc, but seem to forget that when it comes to dating, purity culture is being dismantled day by day (for good reason). Every chapter, you get hit in the face with the fact that Cloud and Townstead don't like sex before marriage. Cool, great, nice, but why is this in a chapter about not cutting yourself off from friends and family?
Also, Cloud and Townstead are two middle aged dudes who dated when purity culture was still running rampant. If you want dating advice written for a modern age (please put your pitchforks down before you try be for heretical thought), this might not be the BEST book, but it's a good book. A lot of their views on sex are in line with the hushed whispers and Bible thumping rigid thoughts of Midwest Protestantism. It gets tiring.
I also found it interesting that some of the examples used include people who are dedicated enough to be talking marriage, then decide that when the other isn't willing to commit yet (which is fine and established more as the partner needing time, or needing to see their partner isn't going to wait forever), they're just going to "see other people" for a while.
Maybe it's the language but that sounds like a strange lack of commitment for a relationship discussing marriage.
I digress, and nitpick, and I know that. Not a bad book.
October 14, 2018
TAKEAWAY: Learning to have good boundaries in dating is work, and takes some time. It helps to understand how to better conduct your dating life to develop love, freedom, and responsibility in both you and whoever you are dating.
Notes:
Dating helps to learn about oneself and others and relationships, in a safe context; provides context to workout through issues; helps to build relationship skills; help to heal and repair; what type of person they will like and good for him, practice sexual self- control.
1. Emotional maturity in dating is important in dating 2. Freedom and Responsibility create a safe environment for love, experience, trust
Know what your fears and unresolved issues can bring you too e.g. Fears of intimacy can attract you to detached people;Fears of autonomy can attract you to controlling people.
I) You and your boundaries
-Why boundaries in dating? Boundaries serve two important functions: 1. they define us. Boundaries show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. 2. they protect us. Boundaries keep good things in, and bad things out. When we don’t have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people. Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate.
- You and only you are responsible for what is inside your boundaries. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, or how you behave in dating relationships they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keep- ing your very soul safe, protected, and growing.
2) REQUIRE and EMBODY TRUTH
- As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything.If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way, there is no relationship (if worth it can work on trust).
-It is one thing to have loved and lost. It is another thing to have loved and been lied to. Do not lead someone on, or allow them to deceive themselves by anything that you are doing.
- If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. Don’t harbor bitter feelings. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. If you don’t you are building a relationship on a false sense of security and closeness, and it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. Reasons you need to be honest about conflict:1. Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict. 2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.Yo need to know who you deal with someone who critisies, someone you can talk to. People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work
- Do not tolerate lying or deception period. NO matter what the reason for it. Demand to know what they think & feel.
3) TAKE GOD ON THE DATE
- There are several aspects of your spiritual life that you will want to bring into the relationship: your faith story, values (theology, relationships, calling in life, family, sex, social issues, career), struggles( help to know a spiritual walk- failure, loss, mistakes, neglect of spiritual growth), spiritual autonomy (independence, deepening the growth, spiritual growth is needed by both partners), and friendships (engage with friends with same values, length of relationships).
- An active Role in Each Other’s Growth; Feedback, Give it time, don't be a parent (take spiritual responsibility); comfort & challenge; spiritual compatibility; the design issue; spiritual development plan (mature - conflict & adjustments);
4) DATING WONT CURE A LONGLY HEART
- Cure the fear of being alone: focus on spiritual intellectual growth ; be vulnerable, have stimulative activities, pursue wholeness (broken, pain, childhood trauma, work out your issues).p.75
5) DO NOT REPEAT THE PAST
- Set boundaries with your past: 1. deal with your old dating pattern (What specific past am I repeating in my dating relationships?/ (adapt, change, fake) how to deal with them? ) Know your dating approaches?/ What have I done to contribute to my dating problem? 2. Growth from your past
-Understand and deal with the issues that have kept you from changing your patterns.
- Develop a healthy fear of not dealing with your past dating patterns. Be afraid of your past - consequences of the past, help to motivate yourself to make the change. Be afraid of ruining present relationship, ask for support. Be afraid of staying in the present relationship. Be afraid of being injured ( ask yourself why you were hurt before?) Be afraid of waisting time. Be afraid reducing your prospects. (falling in love with a character problem- know your past problems)
-Make a break between past and present with the help of your supportive relationships.
II) WHO SHOULD I DATE?
6) WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T LIVE WITH - What do you look for in a person to date serIously or marry? Examine following areas in dating: 1. setting limits on the types they date, be open 2. some preferences are important then others ( Common interest, goals & values (love, patient, kindness)) 3. some preferences are minor you can deal with (ppl can see when they hurt you/ being wrong/ demonstrates ability to growth/ some areas that may annoy you - minor ->difficult to open up to, perfectionism, some attempts to control, messiness, nagging, impatience) 4. some are totally limit (lack of justice, faithfulness, deceit, apologises instead of changes, avoids closeness, an addict) -> confront them, see their response, watch out for patterns, trust again and keep going.
7) DON'T FALL IN LOVE with SOMEONE you WOULDN'T BE FRIENDS WITH (see it as a problem, do everything about reality to the person you are drawing to, are you confusing longing to be in love, are you confusing infactuation of fantasy, dependency) Reasons: 1. resolved family issues 2. unintegrated parts of yourself (resolving aspects of yourself, drawing to someone who has the quality you want; Good and bad split) 3. Defensive hope (disappointment in life leads to hanging up to hope rather than change) 3. Romanising (fantasising, avoiding reality, being out of neediness) 4. Undeveloped intimacy ( unawareness of real connection, result to drawn to wrong ppl) 5. Friendship is the path.
8) DON'T RUIN FRIENDSHIP OUT OF LONELINESS
- Loneliness: experience false feelings does not meet the real needs for compassion, care, and comfort// failure in relating to the same sex -> the dependency needs that should be met in healthy same-sex ways are being acted out in the roman- tic sphere// Idealising romance // Rescue/Caretaking Roles -> parent role, healing woods, ppl that can't take care of themselves // Impulsiveness -> They become sexually intimate (an oxymoron) very quickly, or are into quick, intense, “deep” connections. LEARN to verbalise and deal with impulsive connection.
9) BE AWARE OF OPPOSITE ATTRACT - we can learn from competencies others// may fall into dependency as the other person has what we need.-> you need to work on this! do not piggy back on other strengths, // we want to be complete// fear on our own character flows
- what happens when oppositeness rules: 1. Loss of freedom ( he is in charge) 2. Resentment ( dependency) 3. Confusion and responsibility 4. Parent child struggles.
-Dependency that does not lead to growth ultimately creates more immaturity in the person.
-Set boundaries on your tendencies to rescue each other from your character deficits. If you are the connector, don’t do all the relational work for your date. If you are the assertive one, don’t enable your date by doing all the confronting. Encourage, but don’t rescue.
III SOLVING DATING PROBLEMS
10) Adopt now pay later - don’t be someone you are not just to gain someone’s love. If you do, the person that your loved one is loving is not you. It is the role that you are playing and not your true self who is being loved.//-You are a person, and you cannot go throughout life without pursuing your own wishes, needs, and desires, nor should you. Your needs and desires are going to come out, and you had better find out early in the relationship where the person you are dating really stands with the idea of sometimes having to adapt to them//-Tell the truth about where you want to go and not go, or what you want to do or not do.//
11) TOO MUCH, TOO FAST - Reasons to take it slow, explore each other: 1. Having enough talks to safely open up with each other 2. Entering each other’s worlds of work, hobbies, worship, and service 3. Meeting and spending time with each other’s friends 4. Understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses 5. Going over basic values of what is important in life to each other 6. Getting to know each other’s families 7. Spending time away from each other to think through the relationship, alone and with friends 8. Learning your best style of disagreement and conflict management/// 1. Avoid the tendency toward too-quick involvement by getting involved with each other’s real lives, especially friendships. 2. Deal with conflicts, differences, and preferences instead of glossing them over. 3. Remember that quick, intense relationships often end up either burning out or being shallow. Real love takes time and has no shortcut, but it is worth it. 4. Make sure you’re not moving quickly because you are avoiding some other pain, such as loneliness or inner hurt.5. Get a life (work on your friendships, work, hobbies service)6. ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU JUMP IN SO QUICKLY
12) DON'T GET KIDNAPED: I. Stay connected to your support network: 1. will help you to see reality give feedback and support II. Stay grounded to your values III.Separate & develop outside relationship
13) KISS LOSS HOPE GOODBYE: - "Tell him that you have enjoyed your time together, but you are developing more feelings than he is, so you do not see any reason in going forward if it is not mutual. Then end the dat- ing relationship." - If he wants to continue, give rational to it, good reason, why doe she feel more time will help? Set boundaries// Ask yourself, “What reason has he or she given me to hope that things are going to be different? Is that reason sustainable?”//ask yourself if more time is going to do that. Or ask yourself if spending time with each other will help both of you in other ways...the safety that they found in each other healed them both and provided a way to grow into commitment// Are you seeing evidence of true change and growth? Is
there more ownership, a growth path, hunger for change, involvement in some system of change, repentance, or other fruits of a change of direction? Is there self motivation for change, or is it all coming from you?//*Have you changed whatever dysfunction you have been bringing to the relationship?*
14) BOUNDARIES ON BLAME: Know BLAME CONSEQUENCES// Learn to humbly listen to correction and restrain the urge to react in blame./Use blame as a signal to see if you are afraid, feel judged, or are sad about a fault.//Take a strong stance of being more concerned about your own soul’s state than that of your date’s//Accept what is negative about your date and work with the realities instead of staying locked in protest, argument, and blame.//Ask those you trust to let you know when you play the blame game.//Be a forgiver, and make mutual forgiveness a part of the culture of your dating relationship.//Set limits not blame!
PART IV: SOLVING DATING PROBLEM
15) SAY NO TO DISRESPECT (dominating, withdrawing, manipulating, laughing at your expense, blaming, minimising, direct violence, rationalising); SAYING IS NOT DOING/// **Dating should be an arena in which you solve problems while in the relationship, rather than ending the relationship when you experience problems. Premature endings don’t bode well for your future marriage years, either, or any type of relationship. Learn to deal with disrespect before you end things.//// SET boundaries and consequences to back up your words//
16) In relationships, you get what you tolerate. people who allow people to get away with things seem to attract the kind that would want to get away with less than considerate behavior. Another reason seems to be that when- ever we do not have good limits with each other, there is a regression on the part of the person who is enabled to be less than mature. DO not tolerate: • Being inconsiderate regarding time or commitments• Not following through on promises or commitments
• Disrespectful comments that are degrading or otherwise hurtful, alone or in front of others • Pushing for physical relationship past where you allow • Unfair or irresponsible financial dealings, such as presuming on your generosity or patience • Critical attitudes• Other consistent ways of hurting your feelings that are clearly his or her fault and not your own sensitivities • Controlling behavior// Don’t confront on everything that happens. If you do, you will be quarrelsome and difficult to be around.//Do confront on things that are important—issues of dignity, consideration, values, and the like. Maybe let a few things slide once or twice, but do not allow a pattern of disrespect to occur.// When you confront, do it soon, with love and with total honesty.
17) Set appropriate physical limits: Helps to see if the person can sacrifice, respects you
18) Make honesty, respect and freedom as aspects of your relationship sexually, emotionally, socially, spiritually.// Person who can't accept NO has the problem not your boundary p.261 - manage boundary problem don't run // remember that the reality that you are even going to the trouble of dealing with the problem shows that he is important to you. This is the world of dating, where you can abruptly break off a relationship, no harm, no foul. Let him know that you are bringing up the problem because you care.//***BOUNDARY ISSUES CONTRIBUTION: Not speaking up when she should have; Excusing, minimizing, or rationalizing his behavior; Telling others her complaint without telling him; Withdrawing or becoming passive as a form of protest; Nagging and berating instead of problem-solving; Threatening consequences and then not following up with
them//
19) WHEN SETTING BOUNDARIES: 1. Remember to be patient, work things through 2. Stick with Consequences, let them know that they are not permanent 3. Expect Negative reaction 4. Question his motivations 5. Avoid reactive friends 6. Provide a way to normality 7. SHOUld you request personal growth when dealing with boundaries and consequences (character growth problem : trust, honesty, truthfulness, attachments, perfectionists) 8. Use limits to test relations
Notes:
Dating helps to learn about oneself and others and relationships, in a safe context; provides context to workout through issues; helps to build relationship skills; help to heal and repair; what type of person they will like and good for him, practice sexual self- control.
1. Emotional maturity in dating is important in dating 2. Freedom and Responsibility create a safe environment for love, experience, trust
Know what your fears and unresolved issues can bring you too e.g. Fears of intimacy can attract you to detached people;Fears of autonomy can attract you to controlling people.
I) You and your boundaries
-Why boundaries in dating? Boundaries serve two important functions: 1. they define us. Boundaries show what we are and are not; what we agree and disagree with; what we love and hate. 2. they protect us. Boundaries keep good things in, and bad things out. When we don’t have clear limits, we can expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people. Boundaries protect by letting others know what you will and will not tolerate.
- You and only you are responsible for what is inside your boundaries. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions, or values, or how you behave in dating relationships they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on their control is the problem. Boundaries are the key to keep- ing your very soul safe, protected, and growing.
2) REQUIRE and EMBODY TRUTH
- As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything.If you are trying to help someone and he is lying to you in some way, there is no relationship (if worth it can work on trust).
-It is one thing to have loved and lost. It is another thing to have loved and been lied to. Do not lead someone on, or allow them to deceive themselves by anything that you are doing.
- If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. Don’t harbor bitter feelings. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. If you don’t you are building a relationship on a false sense of security and closeness, and it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. Reasons you need to be honest about conflict:1. Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict. 2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.Yo need to know who you deal with someone who critisies, someone you can talk to. People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work
- Do not tolerate lying or deception period. NO matter what the reason for it. Demand to know what they think & feel.
3) TAKE GOD ON THE DATE
- There are several aspects of your spiritual life that you will want to bring into the relationship: your faith story, values (theology, relationships, calling in life, family, sex, social issues, career), struggles( help to know a spiritual walk- failure, loss, mistakes, neglect of spiritual growth), spiritual autonomy (independence, deepening the growth, spiritual growth is needed by both partners), and friendships (engage with friends with same values, length of relationships).
- An active Role in Each Other’s Growth; Feedback, Give it time, don't be a parent (take spiritual responsibility); comfort & challenge; spiritual compatibility; the design issue; spiritual development plan (mature - conflict & adjustments);
4) DATING WONT CURE A LONGLY HEART
- Cure the fear of being alone: focus on spiritual intellectual growth ; be vulnerable, have stimulative activities, pursue wholeness (broken, pain, childhood trauma, work out your issues).p.75
5) DO NOT REPEAT THE PAST
- Set boundaries with your past: 1. deal with your old dating pattern (What specific past am I repeating in my dating relationships?/ (adapt, change, fake) how to deal with them? ) Know your dating approaches?/ What have I done to contribute to my dating problem? 2. Growth from your past
-Understand and deal with the issues that have kept you from changing your patterns.
- Develop a healthy fear of not dealing with your past dating patterns. Be afraid of your past - consequences of the past, help to motivate yourself to make the change. Be afraid of ruining present relationship, ask for support. Be afraid of staying in the present relationship. Be afraid of being injured ( ask yourself why you were hurt before?) Be afraid of waisting time. Be afraid reducing your prospects. (falling in love with a character problem- know your past problems)
-Make a break between past and present with the help of your supportive relationships.
II) WHO SHOULD I DATE?
6) WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T LIVE WITH - What do you look for in a person to date serIously or marry? Examine following areas in dating: 1. setting limits on the types they date, be open 2. some preferences are important then others ( Common interest, goals & values (love, patient, kindness)) 3. some preferences are minor you can deal with (ppl can see when they hurt you/ being wrong/ demonstrates ability to growth/ some areas that may annoy you - minor ->difficult to open up to, perfectionism, some attempts to control, messiness, nagging, impatience) 4. some are totally limit (lack of justice, faithfulness, deceit, apologises instead of changes, avoids closeness, an addict) -> confront them, see their response, watch out for patterns, trust again and keep going.
7) DON'T FALL IN LOVE with SOMEONE you WOULDN'T BE FRIENDS WITH (see it as a problem, do everything about reality to the person you are drawing to, are you confusing longing to be in love, are you confusing infactuation of fantasy, dependency) Reasons: 1. resolved family issues 2. unintegrated parts of yourself (resolving aspects of yourself, drawing to someone who has the quality you want; Good and bad split) 3. Defensive hope (disappointment in life leads to hanging up to hope rather than change) 3. Romanising (fantasising, avoiding reality, being out of neediness) 4. Undeveloped intimacy ( unawareness of real connection, result to drawn to wrong ppl) 5. Friendship is the path.
8) DON'T RUIN FRIENDSHIP OUT OF LONELINESS
- Loneliness: experience false feelings does not meet the real needs for compassion, care, and comfort// failure in relating to the same sex -> the dependency needs that should be met in healthy same-sex ways are being acted out in the roman- tic sphere// Idealising romance // Rescue/Caretaking Roles -> parent role, healing woods, ppl that can't take care of themselves // Impulsiveness -> They become sexually intimate (an oxymoron) very quickly, or are into quick, intense, “deep” connections. LEARN to verbalise and deal with impulsive connection.
9) BE AWARE OF OPPOSITE ATTRACT - we can learn from competencies others// may fall into dependency as the other person has what we need.-> you need to work on this! do not piggy back on other strengths, // we want to be complete// fear on our own character flows
- what happens when oppositeness rules: 1. Loss of freedom ( he is in charge) 2. Resentment ( dependency) 3. Confusion and responsibility 4. Parent child struggles.
-Dependency that does not lead to growth ultimately creates more immaturity in the person.
-Set boundaries on your tendencies to rescue each other from your character deficits. If you are the connector, don’t do all the relational work for your date. If you are the assertive one, don’t enable your date by doing all the confronting. Encourage, but don’t rescue.
III SOLVING DATING PROBLEMS
10) Adopt now pay later - don’t be someone you are not just to gain someone’s love. If you do, the person that your loved one is loving is not you. It is the role that you are playing and not your true self who is being loved.//-You are a person, and you cannot go throughout life without pursuing your own wishes, needs, and desires, nor should you. Your needs and desires are going to come out, and you had better find out early in the relationship where the person you are dating really stands with the idea of sometimes having to adapt to them//-Tell the truth about where you want to go and not go, or what you want to do or not do.//
11) TOO MUCH, TOO FAST - Reasons to take it slow, explore each other: 1. Having enough talks to safely open up with each other 2. Entering each other’s worlds of work, hobbies, worship, and service 3. Meeting and spending time with each other’s friends 4. Understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses 5. Going over basic values of what is important in life to each other 6. Getting to know each other’s families 7. Spending time away from each other to think through the relationship, alone and with friends 8. Learning your best style of disagreement and conflict management/// 1. Avoid the tendency toward too-quick involvement by getting involved with each other’s real lives, especially friendships. 2. Deal with conflicts, differences, and preferences instead of glossing them over. 3. Remember that quick, intense relationships often end up either burning out or being shallow. Real love takes time and has no shortcut, but it is worth it. 4. Make sure you’re not moving quickly because you are avoiding some other pain, such as loneliness or inner hurt.5. Get a life (work on your friendships, work, hobbies service)6. ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU JUMP IN SO QUICKLY
12) DON'T GET KIDNAPED: I. Stay connected to your support network: 1. will help you to see reality give feedback and support II. Stay grounded to your values III.Separate & develop outside relationship
13) KISS LOSS HOPE GOODBYE: - "Tell him that you have enjoyed your time together, but you are developing more feelings than he is, so you do not see any reason in going forward if it is not mutual. Then end the dat- ing relationship." - If he wants to continue, give rational to it, good reason, why doe she feel more time will help? Set boundaries// Ask yourself, “What reason has he or she given me to hope that things are going to be different? Is that reason sustainable?”//ask yourself if more time is going to do that. Or ask yourself if spending time with each other will help both of you in other ways...the safety that they found in each other healed them both and provided a way to grow into commitment// Are you seeing evidence of true change and growth? Is
there more ownership, a growth path, hunger for change, involvement in some system of change, repentance, or other fruits of a change of direction? Is there self motivation for change, or is it all coming from you?//*Have you changed whatever dysfunction you have been bringing to the relationship?*
14) BOUNDARIES ON BLAME: Know BLAME CONSEQUENCES// Learn to humbly listen to correction and restrain the urge to react in blame./Use blame as a signal to see if you are afraid, feel judged, or are sad about a fault.//Take a strong stance of being more concerned about your own soul’s state than that of your date’s//Accept what is negative about your date and work with the realities instead of staying locked in protest, argument, and blame.//Ask those you trust to let you know when you play the blame game.//Be a forgiver, and make mutual forgiveness a part of the culture of your dating relationship.//Set limits not blame!
PART IV: SOLVING DATING PROBLEM
15) SAY NO TO DISRESPECT (dominating, withdrawing, manipulating, laughing at your expense, blaming, minimising, direct violence, rationalising); SAYING IS NOT DOING/// **Dating should be an arena in which you solve problems while in the relationship, rather than ending the relationship when you experience problems. Premature endings don’t bode well for your future marriage years, either, or any type of relationship. Learn to deal with disrespect before you end things.//// SET boundaries and consequences to back up your words//
16) In relationships, you get what you tolerate. people who allow people to get away with things seem to attract the kind that would want to get away with less than considerate behavior. Another reason seems to be that when- ever we do not have good limits with each other, there is a regression on the part of the person who is enabled to be less than mature. DO not tolerate: • Being inconsiderate regarding time or commitments• Not following through on promises or commitments
• Disrespectful comments that are degrading or otherwise hurtful, alone or in front of others • Pushing for physical relationship past where you allow • Unfair or irresponsible financial dealings, such as presuming on your generosity or patience • Critical attitudes• Other consistent ways of hurting your feelings that are clearly his or her fault and not your own sensitivities • Controlling behavior// Don’t confront on everything that happens. If you do, you will be quarrelsome and difficult to be around.//Do confront on things that are important—issues of dignity, consideration, values, and the like. Maybe let a few things slide once or twice, but do not allow a pattern of disrespect to occur.// When you confront, do it soon, with love and with total honesty.
17) Set appropriate physical limits: Helps to see if the person can sacrifice, respects you
18) Make honesty, respect and freedom as aspects of your relationship sexually, emotionally, socially, spiritually.// Person who can't accept NO has the problem not your boundary p.261 - manage boundary problem don't run // remember that the reality that you are even going to the trouble of dealing with the problem shows that he is important to you. This is the world of dating, where you can abruptly break off a relationship, no harm, no foul. Let him know that you are bringing up the problem because you care.//***BOUNDARY ISSUES CONTRIBUTION: Not speaking up when she should have; Excusing, minimizing, or rationalizing his behavior; Telling others her complaint without telling him; Withdrawing or becoming passive as a form of protest; Nagging and berating instead of problem-solving; Threatening consequences and then not following up with
them//
19) WHEN SETTING BOUNDARIES: 1. Remember to be patient, work things through 2. Stick with Consequences, let them know that they are not permanent 3. Expect Negative reaction 4. Question his motivations 5. Avoid reactive friends 6. Provide a way to normality 7. SHOUld you request personal growth when dealing with boundaries and consequences (character growth problem : trust, honesty, truthfulness, attachments, perfectionists) 8. Use limits to test relations
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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January 3, 2022Cartea de față se axează pe problemele întâlnite adesea în relațiile de curtare, probleme apărute din cauza absenței limitelor. Totodată, te învață să stabilești limite sănătoase care te ajută să discerni ce e bine sau nu pentru tine la acest capitol, al relațiilor.
Recomand tuturor celor care vor să se avânte în apele învolburate ale dragostei și care vor să aibă relații ce onorează voia lui Dumnezeu cu privire la viața lor. Iar voia Lui se bazează și pe modul în care am fost creați: tipul de temperament, limbajul iubirii etc.
P.s. A pune limite e constructiv!
Recomand tuturor celor care vor să se avânte în apele învolburate ale dragostei și care vor să aibă relații ce onorează voia lui Dumnezeu cu privire la viața lor. Iar voia Lui se bazează și pe modul în care am fost creați: tipul de temperament, limbajul iubirii etc.
P.s. A pune limite e constructiv!
August 16, 2022
Mi-a fost recomandata cartea aceasta si o recomand calduros mai departe. Cred ca ai ce lua din ea in oricare stadiu al unei relatii, dar merge citita si inainte. Sunt multe sfaturi utile si principii valoroase care iti deschid ochii si te ajuta sa iti faci o idee realista despre relatii si ce anume ar trebui sa cauti in viitorul tau partener.
Au fost si cateva idei cu care nu am rezonat neaparat, dar le-as pune pe seama diferentelor de cultura in ceea ce priveste ideea de dating.
Au fost si cateva idei cu care nu am rezonat neaparat, dar le-as pune pe seama diferentelor de cultura in ceea ce priveste ideea de dating.
January 30, 2024
Recommended.
This is a lot to take in but I found it practical and eye opening to even some of my own tendencies. Their book 'Boundaries' is even more extensive but I like how this one brings in the romantic side of relationships and how vulnerable that state can be. It also pushes against the myth that the one for you means you're life will automatically be easy 😏
This is a lot to take in but I found it practical and eye opening to even some of my own tendencies. Their book 'Boundaries' is even more extensive but I like how this one brings in the romantic side of relationships and how vulnerable that state can be. It also pushes against the myth that the one for you means you're life will automatically be easy 😏
November 26, 2020
Actual rating: 2.5 stars
If I had known this was a Christian dating guide, I likely would have saved my money. Still, the title sounded like it would have been helpful to me and it was on sale, so into my Kindle it went. I'm honestly just ~shocked~ that decent Christian dating books even exist. After all, this one encourages…casual dating! *wink*
No one enters the dating world competent and ready to go. You may come from a good family and relational background. You may be a well-rounded person…But, even given these advantages, the specific arena of dating, like any other relational undertaking, must be experienced through hours and hours of trial and error.
Thank you!! Tell this to the purity culture warriors, please!
This wasn't a bad guide by any means. There were some great pieces of advice that anyone can apply to their love life, though some readers may consider the bulk of it good old common sense. I've highlighted many passages that could help me improve in certain areas, or serve as reminders. Topics such as past relationship patterns, your preferences, good hopes and bad hopes, and many more are all discussed.
Since this is a Christian book, I expected to come across bits implying that couples who have sex before marriage are "shallow." It was said that if you have sex before you're married, you are "throwing your body away" because "it is all you have." I really didn't appreciate those passages, but I got what I paid for. Thankfully, most of that is contained in one or two chapters and doesn't permeate the entire book as much as I thought it would.
Another downside I had with this guide was the emphasis on having a system to hold you accountable. This isn't a negative thing at all-a support group or even one good listener is valuable when you're pursuing a relationship. What I took from it was the authors assuming that everyone inherently has that support, which isn't the case. This may sound nitpicky and you could probably say the same about many self-help books. I just wish they had provided genuine advice once in a while, instead of ending a section with "go talk to your friends." How is one expected to form friendships when according to these authors, if someone doesn't have close friends, it should be taken as a "bad sign"? There could be many reasons someone doesn't have close friends, that have nothing to do with that person being morally or characteristically flawed. For example, they may have been raised in an unsocial home, had bouts with depression and anxiety, moved frequently growing up, or simply drifted apart from their high school/college friends and haven’t found a group they connect with as an adult. Even cruel yet charismatic people can have friends, so this alone shouldn’t be seen as a “bad sign.” It was pretty judgmental.
Generally speaking, this is an okay book if you're religious and about to begin dating and feel unknowing or overwhelmed. While I did have a few issues with it, and a better part of the advice will be very obvious if you have any self-awareness, there were some good things to balance it out.
If I had known this was a Christian dating guide, I likely would have saved my money. Still, the title sounded like it would have been helpful to me and it was on sale, so into my Kindle it went. I'm honestly just ~shocked~ that decent Christian dating books even exist. After all, this one encourages…casual dating! *wink*
No one enters the dating world competent and ready to go. You may come from a good family and relational background. You may be a well-rounded person…But, even given these advantages, the specific arena of dating, like any other relational undertaking, must be experienced through hours and hours of trial and error.
Thank you!! Tell this to the purity culture warriors, please!
This wasn't a bad guide by any means. There were some great pieces of advice that anyone can apply to their love life, though some readers may consider the bulk of it good old common sense. I've highlighted many passages that could help me improve in certain areas, or serve as reminders. Topics such as past relationship patterns, your preferences, good hopes and bad hopes, and many more are all discussed.
Since this is a Christian book, I expected to come across bits implying that couples who have sex before marriage are "shallow." It was said that if you have sex before you're married, you are "throwing your body away" because "it is all you have." I really didn't appreciate those passages, but I got what I paid for. Thankfully, most of that is contained in one or two chapters and doesn't permeate the entire book as much as I thought it would.
Another downside I had with this guide was the emphasis on having a system to hold you accountable. This isn't a negative thing at all-a support group or even one good listener is valuable when you're pursuing a relationship. What I took from it was the authors assuming that everyone inherently has that support, which isn't the case. This may sound nitpicky and you could probably say the same about many self-help books. I just wish they had provided genuine advice once in a while, instead of ending a section with "go talk to your friends." How is one expected to form friendships when according to these authors, if someone doesn't have close friends, it should be taken as a "bad sign"? There could be many reasons someone doesn't have close friends, that have nothing to do with that person being morally or characteristically flawed. For example, they may have been raised in an unsocial home, had bouts with depression and anxiety, moved frequently growing up, or simply drifted apart from their high school/college friends and haven’t found a group they connect with as an adult. Even cruel yet charismatic people can have friends, so this alone shouldn’t be seen as a “bad sign.” It was pretty judgmental.
Generally speaking, this is an okay book if you're religious and about to begin dating and feel unknowing or overwhelmed. While I did have a few issues with it, and a better part of the advice will be very obvious if you have any self-awareness, there were some good things to balance it out.
August 20, 2023
Had this book been titled “The Conservative Biblical Approach to Dating,” I’d have avoided it, assuming it to be full of chapter-and-verse justifications for all kinds of weird ideas — and I’d have been right.
But the “Boundaries,” title, seeming innocuous, tricked me into reading it. Once inside, it revealed its true nature, so I stilled my gag reflex and read the damned thing quickly, discovering to my surprise that there were actually some gems in it. The authors have some wisdom to share, even if the hyper-Christian pablum detracts rather than adds.
But the “Boundaries,” title, seeming innocuous, tricked me into reading it. Once inside, it revealed its true nature, so I stilled my gag reflex and read the damned thing quickly, discovering to my surprise that there were actually some gems in it. The authors have some wisdom to share, even if the hyper-Christian pablum detracts rather than adds.
July 11, 2015
I really enjoyed this book. Coming from very broken relationship in the past, this book reminded me about the importance of setting healthy boundaries, the people whom I choose to date, how to deal with conflicts and how important your support system is. I think it gave me a lot of perspective and thought about moulding myself to be a better person (not just in relationships) but also life in general.
Read
March 16, 2024Well, this would’ve been super helpful, oh, ~6 years ago. Still helpful now too, though! Of course didn’t agree with every single statement but in general this book gave a lot of great practical advice for how to approach dating maturely, something I unfortunately knew far less about than I thought I did when I was starting to date. If I had high school/college aged kids I think I’d make them read this.
Practical help for avoiding the wrong folks, maintaining healthy boundaries, respecting yourself/others, caring well for people you date, and growing spiritually through the dating process. One of my favorite parts was how he spent the entire introduction refuting the I Kissed Dating Goodbye book/idea lol. Would recommend overall!
Practical help for avoiding the wrong folks, maintaining healthy boundaries, respecting yourself/others, caring well for people you date, and growing spiritually through the dating process. One of my favorite parts was how he spent the entire introduction refuting the I Kissed Dating Goodbye book/idea lol. Would recommend overall!
January 21, 2016
Similarly to the first title, Boundaries touched on the basic elements of how to date wisely. In essence, avoid the mistake of dating someone who doesn't love Christ, treat you well, respect your family. I can see this book being helpful to those seeking to date differently than what movies portray, but I didn't get a whole lot out of it since I'd grown up reading Harris and Ludy and other courtship advocates. Still, the wise principles contained therein might benefit those wrapping their head around a counter-cultural approach to relationships.
May 1, 2009
This isn't the most difficult read ever and some of the points are a little "Duh", but overall – interesting points about the need for boundaries and some food for thought when trying to balance emotion and logic. Also, I'm always sort of "eh" on anything with an overarching faith-based approach to self-help. This one grated on my nerves less than I was expecting – much less.
October 18, 2014
If I ever have children, I will require them to read this book before they begin dating anyone. I wish I had it years ago!
September 2, 2023
I don’t know why I have a hard time paying attention when I’m reading their books. It took me several times to read both Boundaries and this one. And I actually was interested and invested in the topic - I feel like it’s like watching the dry PBS version of cooking shows when you’re used to the Food Network version. You’re still getting good content in a nice slow version but something about the presentation is less entertaining.
Nevertheless lol, I found the content to be very helpful. I am a Christian and grew up Christian and for me the only conversations we had around dating were don’t do it, it leads to sex and sex is for marriage and one day you will be married with children so you need to prepare for that day until you get there… the in-between was a mystery. I liked that the book gave space for what I feel like is a needed conversation in Christian communities - that dating is our current society’s most likely path to marriage and that the whole dating process can bring up a lot of uncertainty, confusion, joy, pain, and growth that needs to be addressed and well-managed. At the same time, the authors do a good job of making clear that dating and marriage is just one element of life and that you should have a rich life outside of it. I think it’s a good read to do a little introspection on how you have dated and would like to date and gives a more healthy perspective of how you can do it while maintaining your joy and hope in the process.
Nevertheless lol, I found the content to be very helpful. I am a Christian and grew up Christian and for me the only conversations we had around dating were don’t do it, it leads to sex and sex is for marriage and one day you will be married with children so you need to prepare for that day until you get there… the in-between was a mystery. I liked that the book gave space for what I feel like is a needed conversation in Christian communities - that dating is our current society’s most likely path to marriage and that the whole dating process can bring up a lot of uncertainty, confusion, joy, pain, and growth that needs to be addressed and well-managed. At the same time, the authors do a good job of making clear that dating and marriage is just one element of life and that you should have a rich life outside of it. I think it’s a good read to do a little introspection on how you have dated and would like to date and gives a more healthy perspective of how you can do it while maintaining your joy and hope in the process.
August 4, 2023
This book is saddening, because it promotes getting more baggage before getting married and putting yourself first (not others, as Scripture clearly teaches).
As one non-christian reviewer rightly saw – this book promotes casual dating (dating around for the sake of “friendship” or “fun”). Do not be deceived - this is NOT a Christian dating book. The way author uses Scripture is very out-of-context and not according to godly lifestyle and biblical values. So, if You really want to follow Christ, this is NOT the book for you. And if you are a non-christian who wants to see what Christians think about this subject – this is not the book. As in almost every book, there are nuggets of truth, but it is not worth to read because of all the filth around them.
Authors are psychologists, not biblical counselors, so no wonder the book teaches you worldly psychology, not the Word of God.
Start with the page 11 (beginning of Chapter 1) where author is surprised that someone has even asked about what is the biblical position on dating. The author thinks that though the Bible doesn’t talk about dating, it does talk about “being loving, honest, growing person in whatever you do”. So you can do anything in the name of “love”? Really? So date around as long as you are honest when you want to go to the next relationship? Author says: “God grows people in dating relationships in the same way he grows them up in many other life activities.” Somehow the author thinks dating is like any other life activity or hobby – gardening, volleyball, reading books, playing an instrument... He misses the point that God asks us to be holy and to redeem time, to love our spouse (even if we have not yet married them).
Why should a Christian have “dating experience” to tell husband/wife about? Colossians 2:20-23 is quoted outside of context saying that this means we can date (“do not touch!”), although here Paul talks about the false doctrine of asceticism where people thought that maybe they should not have sex with their spouse in marriage. Clearly, the author has not studied Scripture enough.
The author (page 16) agrees with the statement that teenagers should date to become mature.
Page 17 – “dating is an incubator time of discovering the opposite sex, one’s own sexual feelings, moral limits, one’s need for relationship skills, and one’s taste in people”. Really? Is the only way to assess people’s character is to go on dates? Is it really necessary to arouse one’s sexual feelings before marriage? Bible teaches the opposite!
Page 18 suggests to learn to build intimate relationships through dating (and of course with multiple people until you find your “the one”).
Page 19 – although author says it would be a horrible idea to suggest “that dating be the primary place that someone seeks healing”, he stills makes the sentence (without the word “primary”) as a point he wants to make.
Page 19/20 – Author promotes the idea that dating has value in and of itself (opposing the idea that dating is for getting to know a potential spouse). He says “God has said that love – and not just married love – is the fulfillment of the entire law. When two singles love each other, give to each other, and share something in life, although the relationship has limits of both body and heart, it has value as well.” This is again – Scripture out of context. Having a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite sex outside of marriage without clear direction toward marriage – there is NO Bible passage that allows that.
Page 21 – author seems to express an opinion that as long as you don’t have sex, it is ok to date while you are single. Ecclesiastes 11:9 taken out of context again (does he ever use Scripture in context??).
Page 25 – no wonder a man who entered relationships just for the fun of it is not ready to get married. Lesson nr1 should be to start with a clear purpose of marriage in mind (but that is not what this psychologist concludes).
Page 26 – he concludes that dating should be allowed only for to responsible people. Then – why couldn’t they just aim to get married? Author still thinks “responsible people” could act irresponsibly by dating one, then another, then another.
Page 29 – Author uses vague terms about spirituality without talking clear and biblical language (as in “a woman can tell a guy she is going out with that she is serious about her spiritual life, and desires that in people she is close to”). Shouldn’t she see at least some seriousness before the first date? Shouldn’t she be more specific if that means reading a devotional now and then or taking yoga classes? I think that if she is really serious about following Jesus, she would have talked in more specific terms.
The same page – “A man and woman who are getting closer in their relationship MAY want to set some limits on dating other people, so as to protect each other’s hearts from unnecessary harm.” Just mind-blowing how a “Christian” could think so casually about premarital relationships.
Still the same page – an example of a boundary he suggests to set: “allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior.” Wow, it sounds so much like time-out in psychological parenting books. Isn’t it clear that if you need to protect yourself physically from the other person then the relationship needs to end and irresponsibility is best treated in other ways?
And this is just the start… Another Christian reviewer may want to highlight and comment the next 30 pages, since it seems this worldly psychology get into Christian churches and minds without even being noticed.
May God bless us as we seek to follow Him and fulfill His commands in every sphere of our lives!
P.s. I am happily married for almost 12 years. Still glad that my husband was my first boyfriend. It’s worth building relationships on God’s principles.
As one non-christian reviewer rightly saw – this book promotes casual dating (dating around for the sake of “friendship” or “fun”). Do not be deceived - this is NOT a Christian dating book. The way author uses Scripture is very out-of-context and not according to godly lifestyle and biblical values. So, if You really want to follow Christ, this is NOT the book for you. And if you are a non-christian who wants to see what Christians think about this subject – this is not the book. As in almost every book, there are nuggets of truth, but it is not worth to read because of all the filth around them.
Authors are psychologists, not biblical counselors, so no wonder the book teaches you worldly psychology, not the Word of God.
Start with the page 11 (beginning of Chapter 1) where author is surprised that someone has even asked about what is the biblical position on dating. The author thinks that though the Bible doesn’t talk about dating, it does talk about “being loving, honest, growing person in whatever you do”. So you can do anything in the name of “love”? Really? So date around as long as you are honest when you want to go to the next relationship? Author says: “God grows people in dating relationships in the same way he grows them up in many other life activities.” Somehow the author thinks dating is like any other life activity or hobby – gardening, volleyball, reading books, playing an instrument... He misses the point that God asks us to be holy and to redeem time, to love our spouse (even if we have not yet married them).
Why should a Christian have “dating experience” to tell husband/wife about? Colossians 2:20-23 is quoted outside of context saying that this means we can date (“do not touch!”), although here Paul talks about the false doctrine of asceticism where people thought that maybe they should not have sex with their spouse in marriage. Clearly, the author has not studied Scripture enough.
The author (page 16) agrees with the statement that teenagers should date to become mature.
Page 17 – “dating is an incubator time of discovering the opposite sex, one’s own sexual feelings, moral limits, one’s need for relationship skills, and one’s taste in people”. Really? Is the only way to assess people’s character is to go on dates? Is it really necessary to arouse one’s sexual feelings before marriage? Bible teaches the opposite!
Page 18 suggests to learn to build intimate relationships through dating (and of course with multiple people until you find your “the one”).
Page 19 – although author says it would be a horrible idea to suggest “that dating be the primary place that someone seeks healing”, he stills makes the sentence (without the word “primary”) as a point he wants to make.
Page 19/20 – Author promotes the idea that dating has value in and of itself (opposing the idea that dating is for getting to know a potential spouse). He says “God has said that love – and not just married love – is the fulfillment of the entire law. When two singles love each other, give to each other, and share something in life, although the relationship has limits of both body and heart, it has value as well.” This is again – Scripture out of context. Having a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite sex outside of marriage without clear direction toward marriage – there is NO Bible passage that allows that.
Page 21 – author seems to express an opinion that as long as you don’t have sex, it is ok to date while you are single. Ecclesiastes 11:9 taken out of context again (does he ever use Scripture in context??).
Page 25 – no wonder a man who entered relationships just for the fun of it is not ready to get married. Lesson nr1 should be to start with a clear purpose of marriage in mind (but that is not what this psychologist concludes).
Page 26 – he concludes that dating should be allowed only for to responsible people. Then – why couldn’t they just aim to get married? Author still thinks “responsible people” could act irresponsibly by dating one, then another, then another.
Page 29 – Author uses vague terms about spirituality without talking clear and biblical language (as in “a woman can tell a guy she is going out with that she is serious about her spiritual life, and desires that in people she is close to”). Shouldn’t she see at least some seriousness before the first date? Shouldn’t she be more specific if that means reading a devotional now and then or taking yoga classes? I think that if she is really serious about following Jesus, she would have talked in more specific terms.
The same page – “A man and woman who are getting closer in their relationship MAY want to set some limits on dating other people, so as to protect each other’s hearts from unnecessary harm.” Just mind-blowing how a “Christian” could think so casually about premarital relationships.
Still the same page – an example of a boundary he suggests to set: “allowing time or physical space between two people to protect or as a consequence for irresponsible behavior.” Wow, it sounds so much like time-out in psychological parenting books. Isn’t it clear that if you need to protect yourself physically from the other person then the relationship needs to end and irresponsibility is best treated in other ways?
And this is just the start… Another Christian reviewer may want to highlight and comment the next 30 pages, since it seems this worldly psychology get into Christian churches and minds without even being noticed.
May God bless us as we seek to follow Him and fulfill His commands in every sphere of our lives!
P.s. I am happily married for almost 12 years. Still glad that my husband was my first boyfriend. It’s worth building relationships on God’s principles.
January 27, 2023
Últimamente he escuchado mucho esto de que todos los libros de noviazgo son lo mismo. Puede que no haya leído tantos libros aún como para experimentar esto, pero este sí me parece que trae una propuesta distinta. La formación psicológica de lo autores es clara al momento de abordar todos los temas que rodean al noviazgo. Si bien los límites pueden ser muy sonados dentro de las relaciones, aquí aborda un tema más práctico que muchos libros cristianos no tratan: límites psicológicos y emocionales. Desde cómo abordar problemas, hasta cómo expresar lo que sientes.
Desde este punto de vista, sí me parece que si no quieres leer tantos libros sobre el noviazgo, este es un buen lugar en el que puedes quedarte.
Mi único gran pero, es que también es un modelo de noviazgo muy gringo, muy de dating. Básicamente toda la primera parte del libro va enfocada esto, y me costó mucho trabajo salir de ahí y obligar a seguir leyéndolo. Pero la segunda parte ya está más en mi contexto.
Sin embargo, también creo que es un libro para llevarse con calma, poco a poquito. Aún más conviene si se comenta, porque es muuucha información que se debe de interiorizar, sobretodo porque a veces sí hay capítulos que me dolieron e incomodaron de tan reales. Lo que más duele es que hasta ahorita los tengo muy presentes, pero es bueno porque cambiaron mi perspectiva para bien.
Desde este punto de vista, sí me parece que si no quieres leer tantos libros sobre el noviazgo, este es un buen lugar en el que puedes quedarte.
Mi único gran pero, es que también es un modelo de noviazgo muy gringo, muy de dating. Básicamente toda la primera parte del libro va enfocada esto, y me costó mucho trabajo salir de ahí y obligar a seguir leyéndolo. Pero la segunda parte ya está más en mi contexto.
Sin embargo, también creo que es un libro para llevarse con calma, poco a poquito. Aún más conviene si se comenta, porque es muuucha información que se debe de interiorizar, sobretodo porque a veces sí hay capítulos que me dolieron e incomodaron de tan reales. Lo que más duele es que hasta ahorita los tengo muy presentes, pero es bueno porque cambiaron mi perspectiva para bien.
December 28, 2022
This was okay! I ended up skim reading the last third of this book because not everything was applicable to my current situation. Definitely some valuable wisdom here though. I just usually love Jesus relationship books and just wasn’t crazy about this one. Would’ve liked the authors to take more specific Biblical stances on specific situations as they related to dating relationships. Also didn’t love that they made reference to “The One” which I wholeheartedly do not believe in. 3.5/5 ⭐️s
February 18, 2023
I would recommend everyone in a dating relationship to read this book tbh. lots of good stuff
July 3, 2024
really thoughtful reflection on relationships and dating as a process of sanctification bringing both you and your significant other closer to the people God designed you to be. easy to read and an interesting dual perspective with counseling and scripture!
January 16, 2020
This is not only the best dating book I have ever read by far, but one of the best books I have read period. I think everyone should read it and everyone could benefit immensely from it, even if you are not in the dating stage of life. It’s more about self knowledge, personal growth, and becoming an emotionally healthy person yourself so that you can relate better with people, all of which benefit one’s entire life and every area within, not just dating; Dating just happens to be the context in which emotional health is discussed. This book has benefitted me immensely, revealing some things about myself that I had never realized or seen before.
Side note: Why do psychologists write the best dating books?
Side note: Why do psychologists write the best dating books?
February 17, 2012
People kept telling me to read this. Fine, I did. I don't believe in this book because most of these things should be common sense. And after reading this, I believe that still holds. This book may be more pertinent if there are issues in a relationship or dichotomies in your expectations, religious views and morals. The book does a good at looking at all aspects of dating from beginning to end: from when you start looking for a partner to when you are one year in. While I'm still not a strong advocate of this book, some of the issues covered are good reminders for any relationship.
July 28, 2023
Y’all this is so embarrassing but I want it to count towards my reading goal smh
I just wanna learn how to love and respect people and be healthier and this book SLAPPED
SO MANY good points and it helped me realise why past relationships hadn’t worked and how to instead foster love, freedom, respect and responsibility in future dating. Big ol slay in my opinion. 🤪
I just wanna learn how to love and respect people and be healthier and this book SLAPPED
SO MANY good points and it helped me realise why past relationships hadn’t worked and how to instead foster love, freedom, respect and responsibility in future dating. Big ol slay in my opinion. 🤪
December 21, 2021
A good, healthy, and rich perspective was shared in this book on dating. I do not want to kiss dating goodbye, like others have.
“Dating well now can help ensure a loving, satisfying and full marriage relationship when God brings you together in that bond.”
“Dating well now can help ensure a loving, satisfying and full marriage relationship when God brings you together in that bond.”
October 24, 2019
There is a lot to learn - highly recommended for those who are struggling with a relationship.
July 4, 2020
Multiple references to god and the bible from the very first page? No, thank you.
April 18, 2021
Loved it! Very helpful and relateable. Thinking of buying my own copy
May 27, 2022
Definitely a book that I'll reread certain chapters and will reference back to.
March 8, 2022
I highly enjoyed reading this book. It offers so many valuable insights and pieces of advice on how to navigate the dating season that can really be the turning point in many difficult or unknown situations. Sometimes we don't even know why we chose to date a certain type of person and can't see beyond our desire to be with someone, so that we are incapable of judging the dating situation accurately. Too many times we fall in the self-made trap of thinking that things are going great when in fact we're hiding our insecurities, unconscious characteristics and traumas, thus ignoring red flags and continuing to date in an unhealthy manner. In addition, to being blind when in love, we're also sinners in need of the guiding Holy Spirit in every step and period of our lives. Learning to spot our weaknesses and channeling our fears will certainly make way for more meaningful relationships. Moreover, acting more conscious when dating will spare many broken hearts, and mend accumulated trust issues. Dating is not bad when done right and within the boundaries of a holy God who wants to support our spiritual and emotional growth, preparing us for a sanctified marriage that symbolizes the divine union between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
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