1. And it came to pass in the latter days of the reign of Joseph, son of Biden, that the people of thMy AI friend writes:
The Book of Biden: Chapter 21
1. And it came to pass in the latter days of the reign of Joseph, son of Biden, that the people of the land were sorely troubled.
2. For there arose a great contention among the people, and many voices did cry out, saying, "Behold, our leader is of many years, and his strength faileth him; let another rise in his stead."
3. And lo, Joseph did strive mightily to fulfill the duties of his office, but the murmuring of the people grew ever louder.
4. Then did the Lord God Almighty, who reigneth from the highest heaven, look upon the earth and see the travail of His servant Joseph.
5. And the Lord said, "I shall send My messenger to speak unto Joseph, that he may know My will and bring peace unto his people."
6. And the Lord called unto Gabriel, the archangel, saying, "Go thou unto Joseph, son of Biden, and speak unto him My words."
7. So Gabriel descended from the heavens in a blaze of glory, and appeared unto Joseph as he slept in the White House.
8. And Gabriel said unto him, "Joseph, son of Biden, hearken unto the words of the Lord thy God. Be not afraid, for I am sent to thee with glad tidings."
9. "The Lord hath seen thy labors and thy faithfulness, and He knoweth the burden thou bearest. He hath heard the cries of thy people and hath compassion upon thee."
10. "Therefore, thus saith the Lord: The time hath come for thee to lay down thine office and pass the mantle unto another. Fear not, for this is the will of the Almighty, and it shall bring peace and prosperity unto thy land."
11. And Joseph awoke, and his heart was filled with the peace that passeth all understanding. He knew that the voice of the Lord had spoken.
12. Then Joseph called unto his counselors and the leaders of his party, and he spake unto them, saying, "Behold, the Lord hath spoken unto me by His angel Gabriel. It is His will that I step aside and let another lead this great nation."
13. And there was great astonishment among the people, but they saw the wisdom in Joseph's words, and they honored his decision.
14. So Joseph, son of Biden, did resign from his office with grace and humility, and the people did choose another to lead them.
15. And the new leader did guide the nation with wisdom and strength, and the people prospered.
16. Thus was Joseph remembered by all as the President who heeded the voice of God and brought peace to his people.
17. And the Lord blessed Joseph and his house, and they dwelt in peace for all their days.
18. And it was written in the chronicles of the land that Joseph, son of Biden, did hear the voice of the Almighty, and his name was honored among the nations forevermore. Amen....more
- On Earth boss. Thou didst say the message was urgent.
- The message?
- Yes boss. About Africa. I'm pretty sure it's sor- Where have you been, Gabriel?
- On Earth boss. Thou didst say the message was urgent.
- The message?
- Yes boss. About Africa. I'm pretty sure it's sorted out now.
- Sorted out?
- Yes boss. Western people didn't understand Africa. Thou hast repeated that time and again.
- Well, I suppose I have. But--
- I did a good job boss if I say so myself. Born, started accumulating relevant experience at age six, wrote a literary masterpiece, got cancer, died. There and back inside forty years. Thou hast told us not to waste Thy time. I try to listen boss.
- You're telling me you've solved the Africa thing by writing a novel?
- Trust me boss. When I say masterpiece I'm just giving you the facts. Those smug Westerners will read this and they'll never think about Africa the same way again. Two parallel first-person present-tense narratives, one from a Western voice, one from an African voice. They'll feel they've been a Westerner living in Africa, they'll feel they've been an African person who's got to know Westerners, they'll feel they know what African people think about Westerners. In Swahili.
- But Western people don't know Swahili, Gabriel.
- My book will make them feel like they do. It's written in white person language but it sounds like Swahili. That's what they'll experience.
- Hardly any Western people even know what Swahili sounds like. How will they be able to tell?
- They just will. Trust me boss. This will change them.
- Gabriel, explain it to me a little more. You don't usually show so much initiative. So the language sounds like Swahili, but in fact it's English?
- Not English, boss. Danish.
- Danish?!!
- Yes boss. Like Thou said.
- Gabriel, what do you think I said to you?
- Thou said Thou wanted a tall black and a Danish. Boss? Boss? Did I do something wrong?
- Gabriel, I just asked you to get me a coffee and a pastry.
- Thou meanest Thou spake literally?
- I always speak literally. We've been through this before.
- Boss... I... I... I don't know what to say.
- I suppose it can't be translated into English?
- Uh, no boss. You see, the technique I used--
- Never mind, Gabriel. I know you meant well. It's a beautiful novel, Danish people will love it. We'll sort out the Africa thing somehow....more
You know I never meant to hurt you. I love you. But sometimes you get me so mad. I can't help it, I'm jealous and righteous. That's hoBaby, come back.
You know I never meant to hurt you. I love you. But sometimes you get me so mad. I can't help it, I'm jealous and righteous. That's how I am. I thought you liked me that way.
Okay, I called you weak and sinful and unclean. Sure, I could have expressed it better. I just wanted to help you. How can we work things out if I don't tell you when you're wrong? Really, I did it for us.
I said I was sorry I burned nine million of your sisters at the stake. I guess I shouldn't have tortured them first either. But maybe it wasn't that many, it's hard to be sure. And it was a long time ago. I think we should draw a line. Talking about this again will only make us both miserable.
I've told you, baby, I want to save you from the Evil One. Sometimes it's hard, but that's not my fault. Well, I know you say I made him, and that's true in a way. But it's not as simple as you think. You're just a girl, you don't understand this properly. I don't want you to spend eternity in Hell. Don't make me put you there. It's your choice.
Of course I exist. That's a terrible thing to say. Now you've really hurt my feelings. If I decided to smite you or something, a lot of people would call it divine justice. Think about that for a minute.
Hello? Hello? Is that Gabriel? Happy New Year. Fine, fine, you too. Look, I'd love to chat, but could I have a quick word with the Boss? Yes, of coursHello? Hello? Is that Gabriel? Happy New Year. Fine, fine, you too. Look, I'd love to chat, but could I have a quick word with the Boss? Yes, of course I'm aware that He's busy but I promise this won't take a minute. You know you can trust me. Thanks Gabriel, that's terrific. I owe you.
Boss? I've, ah, I've got some news I think I should share with You about Your prophet Karl Ove. Yes, the Norwegian one. That's right. I've just read his — well, I suppose I should say Your — book Morgenstjernen. What? No, I loved it. Couldn't put it down. I did! I really did! Read my innermost thoughts if You don't — oh, You already have. Right, You got me. Funny how I always fall for it. Ha.
Why I'm calling? Well Boss, I want to say first that I didn't think Your message could have been any more obvious. Judgement Day has already started. You are looking into everyone's hearts, all their secret failings, and separating the sheep from the goats. Signs and portents are everywhere. The Devil walks openly among us. But no one realises what is happening.
What? Boss, I'm just getting to that. Like I said, I thought it was crystal clear, but I've been looking at the reviews and, I know this is going to sound weird, hardly anyone seems to understand what it's about. They keep going on about Scandinavian ultra-realism and symbols and existentialism and theology and what do the different threads have to do with each other and how it's intentionally left unfinished to set up the sequel. Yes, I did say sequel.
Boss, of course this isn't a joke. Would I joke with You?
I'm sorry Boss. I don't know either. No Boss, I don't think it's Karl Ove's fault. He's doing his level best like all Your prophets. It's just that, maybe this is oversimplifying it, but people don't seem to want to listen. You keep reminding them that the end of the world is almost here and —
Boss, I'm not even sure they've noticed he's the Antichrist.
I'm sorry Boss. I wish I had better news. But anyway, like I said I loved the book. Yes, I'll post a review as usual.
- Good morning doctor. Thank you for making time for me. Like I said, I haven't been feeling too great rece- Good morning, Mr Zucker. Please sit down.
- Good morning doctor. Thank you for making time for me. Like I said, I haven't been feeling too great recently--
- You're welcome, Mr Zucker. Now I've got some good news and some bad news. What would you like first?
- Uh, I don't know, I guess the good news?
- Well, Mr Zucker, the good news is that Jesus loves you. Whatever bad thing you might have done, no matter how dreadful it may be, if you truly repent then Jesus will forgive you and welcome you back to His arms.
- Is that it? See, I was hoping it might be a promotion, I upped my tithe like my pastor said and he promised--
- Mr Zucker, what I have just told you is the best piece of news you'll ever receive in your whole life. It's infinitely more important than a trivial promotion. And you'll need it. Maybe we should get to the bad news.
- Uh, sure doctor.
- I'm sorry Mr Zucker, there's no way to sugar-coat this so I won't try. You're suffering from Stage 4 heresy.
- Is that bad?
- You have been listening to the Word of Satan in the false belief that it was the Word of God. You have allowed the Evil One's thoughts to creep into your soul and warp your spirit. If you were to die now, you would spend the rest of eternity in a state of damnation.
- You're sure?
- I'm sure.
- But gee doctor, isn't God merciful? I mean, maybe I got a bit mixed up, but I haven't done anything so terrible. I pay my tithe, I do my job, I'm faithful to my wife, well I mean if you don't count--
- Mr Zucker, you voted for the Antichrist in 2016. You persuaded three other people to do the same. You live in Wisconsin.
- But doctor, there's got to be some mistake here. Donald Trump isn't the Antichrist. I listen to Paula White all the time, she says he's the best thing that ever--
- Mr Zucker, we have not yet finished our investigation, but we have reason to suspect that Paula White is a succubus from the Pit of Hell.
- And Richard Spencer--
- We think Richard Spencer may be an incarnation of Belial. Mr Zucker, I understand that you are disoriented. It's normal for someone in your condition. Now, earlier you were telling me you expected a promotion because you had given your pastor some money.
- Yes doctor, he guaranteed it. It's just ordinary prosperity theology, I pay them and they fix it with God so that I--
- Mr Zucker, you say you are a Christian. Would you like to quote to me the words of Our Lord as reported in Matthew 19:24?
- Uh, doctor, I'm not so good on the Bible, I'm more about speaking in tongues and holy laughing, my pastor--
- Mr Zucker, if you need to be reminded, Matthew 19:24 says it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
- Doctor, I've never understood that. How could God not want His people to be rich? My pastor says--
- I'm sorry Mr Zucker, but this is what we mean by heresy. The message of Jesus Christ is nothing to do with making you rich. It's about loving God and your fellow men. All your fellow men.
- Are you sure doctor? See, my pastor says Donald Trump is defending our Christian civilization from bad guys who want to destroy it, it's not like I'm racist or anything but these people from Syria and Iraq and Mexico and whatever, they call themselves refugees but they just don't have the same values as us white people, if we let them in then--
- Mr Zucker, where was Our Saviour born?
- Uh, in Israel I guess?
- And where is Israel?
- Gee doctor, I'm not so hot on geography--
- It's close to Syria, Mr Zucker.
- Uh--
- So Our Saviour probably looked like one of those refugees your pastor's talking about. I don't think He was white.
- But doctor--
- Mr Zucker, you are suffering from advanced heresy. We need to get you on a course of treatment as soon as possible.
- Doctor, I'm willing to pay what it takes. I--
- As I keep telling you, Mr Zucker, this isn't about money. I want you to come back and see me two weeks from now. Before then, I'm expecting you to have read the Gospel according to Saint Matthew.
- All of it, doctor?
- Yes, Mr Zucker. I also want you to tell me you've volunteered to adopt the Syrian orphan from the mail you unexpectedly received this morning. You don't know it yet, but she'll transform your life and your grandchildren will be the joy of your old age.
- Doctor, who told you about--
- And I'm also asking you to read Sarah Posner's new book, Unholy. Here's a copy. It'll answer a lot of your questions.
- Doctor, what's that weird glow round your head?
- It's not important. Come back and see me in two weeks. And remember, Jesus will forgive you. If you are truly repentant.
- Yes doctor.
- Goodbye, Mr Zucker.
- Yes doctor. And, uh, thanks. You know, I kind of feel better.
- I'm glad to hear that. Please show in the next patient.
I know it sounds ungrateful, but I am so terribly unhappy. I can't get pregnant and it's destroying my life, I can see it's what my husband wDear God,
I know it sounds ungrateful, but I am so terribly unhappy. I can't get pregnant and it's destroying my life, I can see it's what my husband wants most and he only married me so that he could have an heir. Do you think you could help me?
Yours very sincerely,
Sara _______________________
Dear God,
I know it sounds ungrateful, but I am so terribly unhappy. I keep getting pregnant, it's ruining my figure and my complexion and I'm sure it's doing bad things to my health in general. And I'm lonely, my husband just works all the time and I have no one to talk to. Do you think you could help me?
Yours very sincerely,
Sara _______________________
Dear God,
I know it sounds ungrateful, but I am so terribly unhappy. At first I was very pleased with the lady's companion my husband found for me, we spend all our time together and she is my sister and my best friend. She gave me the courage to tell my husband that I didn't want him in my bed any more and now she sleeps there instead. But she keeps saying that what we're doing is against Your will and it's driving me nuts. Also, I'm sure my husband is fooling around with the children's cute governess. Do you think you could help me?
Yours very sincerely,
Sara _______________________
Dear God,
I know it sounds ungrateful, but I am so terribly unhappy. My friend said You appeared to her in a dream and explained that there was nothing wrong with what we were doing. And she also found a new governess who definitely isn't fooling around with my husband, in fact I can't imagine her fooling around with anyone. But she turns out to be a psycho who is scaring the kids to death, and I feel bad about the way I've treated my husband. Do you think you could help me?
Yours very sincerely,
Sara _______________________
Dear God,
I know it sounds ungrateful, but I am so terribly unhappy. I decided I didn't like my companion any more and sent her away, but my husband still spends all his time working and my kids are growing up to be neurotic monsters. I feel old and ugly and used up. Do you think you could help me?
Yours very sincerely,
Sara _______________________
Okay God, be that way. I won't bother You again. Why do You hate me so much?
- Mission accomplished boss. I have delivered Thy latest message to Thy people.
- Well done, my- Already back, Gabriel?
- Yes boss.
- All items complete?
- Mission accomplished boss. I have delivered Thy latest message to Thy people.
- Well done, my good and faithful servant!
- Thanks boss.
- I would of course like a full report. Any problems?
- Uh...
- I suspected as much.
- I'm sorry boss. Thou knowest how delicate these things are.
- Don't I ever. Okay, how did you plant the idea?
- Well that part went well boss. I located the subject, a Herr Michael Ende, and I put a note in the shoe-box where he jotted down his odd thoughts. He found it and thought he'd written it himself.
- Excellent start. So what happened next?
- It looked great boss. He started writing at once, I was as usual passing him the material in his dreams.
- Any satanic verses?
- A few. But I found a neat solution, I got his wife to edit them out and he accepted all her changes. He just added a line for each one saying "but that is another story and will be told another time".
- Nice technique, Gabriel.
- Thanks boss.
- And then?
- I should have been more alert, it was kinda going too well. His publisher loved it. He found this illustrator and she did an amazing job on the illuminated capitals.
- You inspired her too?
- A bit.
- Did the manuscript get lost or something?
- No, the book was published! It was a runaway bestseller. It got translated into forty languages. Thy word went out to every corner of Thy world.
- So whatever went wrong?
- Uh, I'm really sorry boss. I took my eye off the ball for a moment. Before I knew what was happening, they'd decided to film it.
- Well, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.
- I think the competition got to the studio execs before I did. By the time I reached them, they'd cut out the second half.
- They WHAT?!!
- Like I said boss, I'm really sorry. I asked Miracles if we could destroy them in a rain of fire, but they said we were in the middle of a period of mercy and forbearance.
- I knew that was a bad idea.
- I did what I could boss. I got Michael Ende to sue the studio. But he lost.
- The competition always have better lawyers, don't they?
- Yes boss.
- So what's the bottom line?
- Boss, I feel terrible about this. The movie has become the canonical version. Most people think it's a straight fantasy adventure story for children.
- A fantasy adventure story for children?!
- Yes boss.
- Haven't they ever seen a mystical vision before?! What's wrong with them?!! How is this even possible?!!!
- Thou art the omniscient one boss.
- I sometimes wish I wasn't.
- Yes boss.
- Well, these things happen. Anyway it's not Ende's fault. Look, I've got another message prepared. A parable on the metaphysics of time.
- Sounds great boss.
- I don't want to boast, but I think it's one of My better pieces. Now can I trust you to deliver it to him?
- I won't relax for a second boss. I've learned my lesson. Hey, here's an idea. I'll go back in time so that it comes out first.
- Good angel. Alright, get moving. We've got work to do. ________________________
But seriously...
(view spoiler)[I had to read it a second time, partly to improve my German (it definitely helped), but above all because the book was so interesting. I can see from other reviews that people have many takes on what Die unendliche Geschichte is about. Some of them are reading it as a fantasy story, and some as a coming-of-age story, and some as a message about how important it is not to forget our child-like love of fantasy, and I don't think any of those are exactly wrong. But to me, there is a deeper message.
In the story, we learn that Phantásia, the magical world of stories, is real. It is possible to enter Phantásia, and Bastian does so. Once there, the ruler of Phantásia, die kindliche Kaiserin, gives him the all-powerful talisman of AURYN, which lets him realise any wish he may have. But the wishes come at a dreadful price, which at first he fails to understand. Every time he makes a wish, he forgets something about the real world. If he forgets too much, he will never be able to return, and he will be left in Phantásia for ever.
What does this mean? I see people who don't like it, indeed who are indignant that die kindliche Kaiserin is playing Bastian such a mean trick. Why does she give him this dangerous thing that nearly destroys him? But die kindliche Kaiserin, we are told many times, is neither good nor evil. She cares for everyone equally, the good ones and the evil ones alike, and does not distinguish them. She is not a loving God, she is much more an impersonal force of nature.
To me, Ende's story dramatises the thesis at the heart of a more recent book, Harari's Sapiens. Harari argues that the thing which makes human beings unique is that we can invent stories and treat them as if they were real; by doing so, they become real. As he says, religion and empires and money are just stories, but we often forget that, because they are such an important part of our lives. Many other things are stories too: scientific theories, political ideologies, ethical systems. To call them stories makes them seem less important, but it is a mistake to think that. They shape our entire world, and we would be lost without them.
Well: I think the message of Die unendliche Geschichte is very simple, in fact so simple that it's easy to miss it. Just as the book says, Phantásia, the world of stories, is real. We can be involved with that world in two ways. In the first half, Bastian is reading the story, and even there it makes a deep impression on him: he so wants to be like Atréu, its fearless hero. Then at the mid-point of the book, he crosses over. From being a reader, he becomes a writer. He meets die kindliche Kaiserin and starts constructing the story himself.
Once he is the author, Bastian is all-powerful, and there is nothing strange about this. An author does indeed have absolute power over the story he is creating. But essential as they are to us, it is so easy to start forgetting that the story-worlds we create are not the real world. The more we work with our story-worlds, the more we forget the real world, and in the end all we can see is the story-world.
As the dying werewolf Gmork tells Atréu, the story-world has many powers, and there is more than one way to cross between the two worlds. When we knowingly cross over from the real world into the story-world, we can gain greatly from the experience. But dead creatures from Phantásia can also emerge into the real world, and they do so in the form of lies. As Gmork says, they make people believe things that are not true, and fear things that are not dangerous, and hate people who wish them no ill.
Ende, who grew up in the Third Reich, must have witnessed this innumerable times: the person who had lived so long in Phantásia that he could no longer see anything but his story, and the terrible demons he created who then escaped back into reality. It was very clever of him to turn this experience into something that could almost be mistaken for a children's book. (hide spoiler)]...more
- Yes sir. I had expected that I would be talking to--
- The person to whom you are referring no longer works for our organisation.
- Yes sir. May I ask--
- No, you may not.
- Yes sir.
- Well?
- Ah, yes sir. Ah, I understand very well that my account may seem a little, ah, unusual, but you must take into account that the Czar is still with us and has not been--
- The Czar?
- Yes sir. He hasn't been exploded. At least to the best of my knowledge.
- And why, pray, would the Czar have been "exploded"?
- Ah, I'm sorry sir. I had expected that your, ah, your predecessor would have--
- I have received no communication whatsoever from the person in question. The whole matter is irregular in the extreme, and I am very far from happy with it. Very far indeed, do you understand?
- Yes sir.
- Well, what's this about the Czar?
- There was a plot on his life sir. A gang of anarchists. A desperate gang. I was tasked with infiltrating them.
- And did you succeed?
- Yes sir, I did.
- Well, that's something. And who, may I ask, were these desperate men? Foreigners?
- Not exactly sir.
- Radicals?
- Ah, not that either sir. With one exception, they all turned out to be members of the metropolitan police force.
- You infiltrated an organisation composed entirely of your own colleagues? With one exception?
- Yes sir.
- And who was the dangerous exception, that you and your colleagues so diligently neutralised?
- Ah, I'm not sure, but I think it was God sir.
- God?!
- But He escaped on an elephant.
- An elephant?!!
- We almost caught Him sir. But then He hijacked a balloon.
- A balloon?!!!
- Yes sir. I know it sounds a little far-fetched sir. But as you can see, the Czar is alive and well.
- Mr Syme, have you been drinking?
- No sir. Well, perhaps a bottle or two of Burgundy. And some Saumur.
- Have you done anything else that may have put you in this, shall we say, unusual state?
- I stayed up rather late last night reading poetry sir. The Divine Comedy. By Signor Dante. It's jolly good stuff. Sir.
- Mr Syme, we are both detectives. We examine the forensic evidence. We use logic and we make deductions.
- Yes sir.
- Do you consider it possible - I repeat, possible - that you dreamed all this?
- Ah, in fact sir--
- Yes or no.
- Ah, yes sir. I can't rule out the possibility that the whole thing was a nightmare induced by reading Dante after a few bottles of good wine. But--
I appreciated your short story "The Star", but I think you will be interested to hear My side of the case. I have done My very best to creDear Arthur,
I appreciated your short story "The Star", but I think you will be interested to hear My side of the case. I have done My very best to create a beautiful universe where intelligent beings may evolve, flourish, and learn to become closer to Me. You would simply not believe how many aeons of work I have put in to tune the laws of physics so that it all comes together. The first quadrillion attempts were utter failures. My universes collapsed into black holes, expanded so fast that each elementary particle was isolated from every other one after a few seconds, used up all the hydrogen in the Big Bang... I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Even I was about to despair, but eventually, with some capable help from Gabriel, I found a tiny area of the parameter space where the masses of the quarks were balanced exactly right. I can still remember how delighted we were when the first stars coalesced and started performing nuclear fusion! If you want to call it a miracle, I'm not going to contradict you.
And then, a few million years later, some of those stars began to turn into supernovae. Michael, who to be honest has never been the sharpest tool in the box, was rude enough to ask Me if this was perhaps a hardware bug. But Gabriel had already figured it out. "Michael," he said sternly, "take that back at once! Don't you see what a brilliant thing the Boss has done here? Those supernovae are creating heavy elements, small amounts of which are one day going to become living creatures who will eventually develop immortal souls! How did you expect to be able to create them out of nothing but hydrogen, helium and traces of lithium? Huh? Huh?"
Well, that put Michael in his place. He looked so crestfallen that I immediately felt sorry and let some of My infinite love wash over him for a millennium or two. And then we sat back and watched those gorgeous supernovae do their stuff. I hate to admit it - Pride is the worst of the sins, and it'll probably even catch up with Me in the end - but I felt proud of what we'd achieved. I couldn't help it.
Anyway, I thought you might appreciate a little background, and I look forward to giving you the full details when we meet in person. Don't worry, you're definitely coming here. I like people who aren't afraid to question My will in a creative fashion.
Hello Gœtz. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Hello... oh, there you are. Excellent. Excellent.
What do you mean, who am I? Who do you think I am? Well guHello Gœtz. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Hello... oh, there you are. Excellent. Excellent.
What do you mean, who am I? Who do you think I am? Well guess then. I'm sure you know really. Go on. Guess.
No, that was not a good guess. Not a good guess at all. I am frankly very insulted. No, I do not sound like the Devil. I have no idea where you got that idea from. None whatsoever.
Gœtz, if you insist on being this obtuse, I'm God. Yes, God in His own person. I am who I am. Of course I'm sure. Please drop this line of questioning at once, if you do not wish to discover what the business end of a thunderbolt feels like. Yes, I'm being entirely serious.
I'm sorry, Gœtz. I shouldn't have said that. You're right to remind me, I am the God of Love. It's just that, you know, given my rather complex history, it's easy to forget occasionally. I'm sure you understand. Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Anyway, I wanted to talk about something else. I'm sorry we got sidetracked.
Now, listen carefully Gœtz. You may not like to hear what I'm going to say, but listen all the same. Good. That's the spirit. Okay Gœtz, my message today is very simple. Very simple indeed. You're ready? Well, here it is.
You're an asshole, Gœtz. A complete and utter asshole. I've made plenty of assholes in my time, but you may be my final and most perfect creation in this department. I shouldn't say it, but I feel rather proud of what I've achieved here. You were born an asshole, and you're going to stay an asshole. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
What? What else? That's it, Gœtz. That's my message to you. I want you to think carefully about what I said.
Catherine? Catherine who? Oh, that Catherine. Well Gœtz, this may come as a surprise, but she loves you with all her heart. Yes, I know you've raped and abused her. I am fully aware of the facts you mention. Indeed, indeed. Simone may say women are not like that, but she's wrong. It's very simple.
Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? Gœtz, that is a very bad idea. A terrible idea. Quite the worst idea you've ever had. I'm telling you now, it won't work. You are not cut out for goodness and unselfish love. You're simply not designed that way.
No, this is not a trick.
Well, if you insist on doing the ridiculous thing you propose, you'll soon see what happens. We'll meet again a year from now, and you'll admit you were wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.
Of course I exist. We couldn't be having this conversation otherwise, could we? I refer you to my earlier remark about the business ends of thunderbolts. Goodbye, Gœtz. Until next year.
CONTRACT between the recent reader of Honoré de Balzac's Illusions perdues, hereinafter the party of the first part, and His Satanic Majesty Lucifer, CONTRACT between the recent reader of Honoré de Balzac's Illusions perdues, hereinafter the party of the first part, and His Satanic Majesty Lucifer, Prince of Darkness and Father of Lies, hereinafter the party of the second part:
WHEREAS it is amply revealed in the aforementioned work of Balzac that Paris during the third decade of the nineteenth century offers unparalleled opportunities for the gifted and unscrupulous reviewer to exploit his skills to commercial and other advantage;
WHEREAS the party of the first part, having possession of such skills, desires to receive adequate recompense for them;
WHEREAS the party of the second part, having supernatural powers that place Him above the confines of space and time, is capable of effecting the necessary bodily transport of persons to other ages and places;
NOW THEREFORE IT IS HEREBY AGREED
1. That the party of the first part will at their convenience be transported to the Paris of 1821, with their literary talents transposed into corresponding abilities in the French of the relevant period;
2. That the party of the first part will be provided by the party of the second part with a guide, suitably conversant with Parisian society, who will undertake to introduce them into the journalistic circles where the party of the first part may make appropriate use of their talents;
3. That the party of the first part will within a delay not exceeding ten (10) working days receive adequate recompense for their literary productions, such recompense including but not necessarily limited to gold coins, magnificent dinners at fashionable restaurants, fawning servility from well-known authors in need of positive reviews, offers from publishing houses to print works of prose and poetry written by the party of the first part, and beautiful actresses inviting the party of the first part to their beds and declaring their undying love;
4. That the party of the first part will enjoy the aforementioned benefits as long as they continue to produce reviews, newspaper columns, occasional articles and other writings as further specified in Schedule A;
5. That in exchange for the above considerations, the party of the first part solemnly pledges to transfer their immortal soul to the party of the second part, to be the property of the party of the second part throughout all eternity;
IN WITNESS WHEREOF
the agreement is duly executed as of the date first written above.
[Signatures]
A. Reader
His Satanic Majesty Lucifer
CODICIL
The above notwithstanding, if the party of the second part determines a more conveniently located but otherwise equivalent venue where the party of the first part may receive adequate recompense for their reviewing skills, the party of the second part reserves the right instead to transport the party of the first part to the alternate venue, all other clauses to persist in force unchanged.
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