Arr, me matey! I've finally downed the children's classic, Treasure Island. Sadly, these pirates weren't nearly as sexy as I was expecting. Where were aArr, me matey! I've finally downed the children's classic, Treasure Island. Sadly, these pirates weren't nearly as sexy as I was expecting. Where were all the sweaty pirate abs I've come to expect from the plethora of trashy romance novels I've gobbled down over the years? Not here, that's for damn sure.
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And mainly because of the overabundance of bodice rippers on my bookshelf, I felt like I maybe needed to expand my maritime horizons, and it seemed that going with a classic sailor story wouldn't be a bad way to accomplish that goal.
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Unsurprisingly, this is a pretty boring book by today's standards. And if this was what they gave kids to read back in the day, I'm no longer shocked that people found long walks and/or journaling about said long walks a valid form of entertainment.
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When I'm done churning this butter, should I whittle for a bit before we have a family sing-a-long around the fire?
Going to be totally honest, I don't understand the yearning for a simpler lifestyle, as this scenario sounds like my own personal version of Hell.
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Alright! Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson and why you should read it. It's short! <--not as much of a time suck as Count of Monte Cristo It's a classic! <-- therefore, you will sound classy It's got pirates! <--remember: dirty rum-bloated pirates, not shirtless Fabio pirates You can learn new drinking songs! <--Yo ho ho and a bottle of Zima, bitches
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That all sounds great. But what is Treasure Island about, Anne? The gist is that our young hero, Jim Hawkins, has the shittiest luck ever. His dad dies and leaves a tweenage Jim and his mother with a ramshackle inn to run, complete with a scary drunken sailor (Billy Bones) who's not too keen on paying his tab as a tenant. He's what the kids these days call a scallywag.
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Why does it matter that Bones is continually dodging rent? Well, after Billy Bob meets his maker with the help of a few of his old sailing pals, Jim and his mother have to rifle through his things to get payment. AND JIM FINDS A MAP. <--to a place called Treasure Island *choir vocalizes*
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Back in the day, if you found a map it was apparently adventure time. You and your neighbors would rent a ship, hire a sketchy crew, and set out for parts unknown full of high hopes that you'd be coming back with gold doubloons! The reality is that you'd be lucky to come back alive without scurvy or syphilis. And dark thoughts like that are why I would have made a terrible pirate-adventurer...
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The adults (of course) make some really bad decisions when it comes to securing an efficient crew. They have a competent captain, but instead of listening to him, they hire a fairly obvious villain as the cook and then proceed to take his advice over the captain's. This ensures they have quite a surly group of sailors to man the SS Mutiny. Who is this cook? Long John Silver. <--yes, exactly like the sub-par seafood restaurant! When your cook's name is synonymous with chewy shrimp poppers and diarrhea, you might want to rethink your hiring process.
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Luckily for all the grown-ups, Jim is a brave and hearty lad who manages to save the day! <--not really Ok, so this was written back when it was a big deal to keep your word. Like, if you promised your kidnappers that you wouldn't try to run for it, then you couldn't try to run for it because that would make you a liar. Which, for some unfathomable reason, was worth more than your life. SWEAR TO GOD, THESE OLD-TIMEY PEOPLE WERE RIDICULOUS.
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Naturally, there comes a point in the story where Jim needed to hop a fence and get the hell out of there, but wouldn't - because INTEGRITY. And I suppose we're meant to think he's a better person for it, but all I could think was that maybe Stevenson based his story around a child with special needs. Except, no. Because the doctor agreed with Jim, so apparently in the days of yore, the good guys couldn't just win, they had to win by a set of idiotic rules. Which is nuts! What are you teaching our kids, Robert!?
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Looking someone dead in the eyes whilst giving a firm handshake and lying through your teeth is a fucking lifeskill that every child needs to have perfected by adulthood in order to survive.
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But whatever. This is a fantasy, so it all works out for our heroes. They return home with their honor intact, a good bit of wealth, no STDs, and only a little bit of PTSD that kicks in whenever they hear a parrot squawk.
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Read it. As far as classics go, you could do a lot worse than this one.
Hands down the WORST book I've read all year. I mean, there's boring and then there's mind-numbing. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is definitely the lattHands down the WORST book I've read all year. I mean, there's boring and then there's mind-numbing. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is definitely the latter.
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I was actually looking forward to listening to this. It's supposed to be a classic action/adventure sci-fi book, right? And it's not an overly long book, which made me assume it was a pretty compact story. Plus, I usually have better luck when it comes to these older novels if I listen to the audiobook instead of trying to wade through all the crunchy dialogue with my eyeballs. So, between those factors, I thought this would be a complete winner. But ho-ly shit this was terrible. Terrible!
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Ok, how to describe this book? Alright. If a really tedious nature show fucked a 5th grade word problem and didn't use a condom - 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea would be their bastard child. The vast majority of this thing: Lattitude 54, Longitude 45. <--or whatever. On the {insert random date here} the crew of the Nautilus and my companions entered the {insert random body of water here} and observed {insert random sea life here}. Then Aronnax would go on to describe in excruciating detail every fucking thing about whatever chunk of seaweed, fish, oyster bed, sediment, etc. that they happened to be floating past. Now, sometimes my mind will wander for a second when I'm listening to an audiobook. Usually, it's one of those Did I remember to give my kid the check for that field trip? things that distract me. And then I'll just have to back the book up a few seconds to recoup whatever info I just lost. But with this one, I was spacing out constantly due to the fact that there was literally NOTHING happening. But I could lose half an hour and it wouldn't fucking matter because the professor would still be droning on about different types of pearls and how they were made, and what colors there were, and how much each kind sold for on the open market, and whether or not the oyster wept when they were gone. Or some other such nonsense.
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Where was the action I was promised?! Where was the adventure?! Not here, that's for goddamn sure. Still, I remembered hearing about the famous Scene With The Giant Squid and I figured it might make all of this other garbage worth wading through. Supposedly, it was this super awesome battle between man and cephalopod that left a lasting impression on people. <--I should have known better.
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Lamest. Battle. Ever. Let me save you some trouble. See, I thought that there was some menacing squid following them that decided to attack the sub and try to drag it to the bottom, or crush it with its massive tentacles, or break it open to slurp out the crew with a straw, or...something. Anything! But no. A group of big-ass squids was swimming by, a few got curious, one of the poor bastards got tangled around the fan or whatnot, and then when the crew when out to "fight" it off the Nautilus one of them got tossed off and killed. Oh, and Ned almost got eaten but Nemo hacked at the squid's beak and saved him. The End. Bah.
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There was a shining moment when I thought things were going to finally get cool as the Nautilus passed over Atlantis. Fucking Atlantis! <--Yes! These turds got out to explore every dull coral bed along the way, so surely they would stop and meander around this magically advanced civilization, right? Nope. They just floated on past it. Bye, Aquaman...
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And after that, I think I just lost the will to even try to muster up a few shits for the rest of it.
Nemo's quitting land because of {insert spoilery things here} was also ridiculous but I could have easily given it a pass if this were a remotely engaging story otherwise. Since it wasn't, that was just ONE MORE THING that I found annoying. I mean, really? Why the hell would anyone go to all that trouble of building this masterpiece of a submarine just for revenge? Just track the fuckers down and shoot them in the head. It would be waaaaay easier and ultimately less time-consuming. Oh, and their stupid secret language that they spoke on board? It was probably Pig Latin, because everything else they did seemed like something thought up by a 10 year old. Why keep Aronnax, Conseil, & Ned prisoner just because they had seen the Nautilus? <--made no sense! It's not as though anyone could track them down even if those guys spilled the beans! They were literally the ONLY submarine in the world at that point and the oceans are HUGE. Again, I would have overlooked that with pleasure if I weren't so pissed off with this boring time-suck.
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The only fun thing about this was Ned Land. <--harpooner extraordinaire Just the fact that he is the ONLY surly Canadian I've ever read about was almost worth the price of admission. Seriously. Name another volatile Canuck in literature. Kind of hard to do, eh? (view spoiler)[
Now, this is a Kidnapped By A Pirate romance I can get behind.
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Even though technically Andrew was a privateer and not a pirate. But from the begNow, this is a Kidnapped By A Pirate romance I can get behind.
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Even though technically Andrew was a privateer and not a pirate. But from the beginning, there are no rapey undertones because Andrew is sort of forced into keeping her on board his ship after she stumbles onto his stash of loot that could compromise his mission for the Crown. See, Andrew isn't really a privateer, either. Well, he is but he's only doing it so he can chat up informants or smuggle documents.
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And Poppy? Well, she's a young lady who's a bit bored with her place in life, so while she isn't exactly happy that her reputation is possibly being ruined, she's definitely going to soak up the adventure when and where she can.
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Poppy and Andrew were adorable, and like all of Julia Quinn's couples, they had a nice back and forth banter going on between them. Although, like all of Julia Quinn's stories, this one doesn't have much of a plot outside of a cute romance between these two. All in all, this was one of (I thought) the better books connected to the Bridgertons.
Recommended for fans of Bridgertons and Quinn....more
Well, I'm on a Lynsay Sands kick and I'm trying to expand my 'knowledge' of Pirate Romance, so I genuinely tho2.5 stars (rounded up b/c it's readable)
Well, I'm on a Lynsay Sands kick and I'm trying to expand my 'knowledge' of Pirate Romance, so I genuinely thought this would be a winner. Eh. The best I can say is that this was sorta ok. I know, I know! You're shocked that 16 year old book called Lady Priate didn't blow me away, right?
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There were parts that I thought were genuinely cute or funny and they would redeem the story enough so that I could keep reading, but there were also some things that I found genuinely annoying. I know I've mentioned this before in reviews, but I'm just not a fan of spelling names oddly in books. I mean, I have to look at it overandoverandoverandover, and it just works my nerves. Valoree. Ugh. Really? The spelling reminded me of how confusing the word banana used to be to me and my friends when we were kids. Banananananana...wait. How many na's? Valoreeeeeeeeeeeeeee. How 'bout just...Valerie? What's wrong with that, huh? I know this may come as a shock, but not every reader likes pretentious spelling.
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Then there was Valoree, herself. I'm torn on how I feel about her. I get that she's spent the last 8 years on a pirate ship pretending to be a man, so yeah, she's bound to be rough around the edges, but sometimes it just felt fake. When she was climbing walls and hiding injuries, it felt like she was tough. But when she was clomping around, guzzling rum, & acting blatantly rude in general...it felt like she was one of those annoying girls who (for whatever reason) constantly and loudly announces that she's suuuuch a tomboy. All. The. Time. Blech. Like anyone fucking cares. Makes you want to punch 'em in the tit.
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Or maybe that was just me.
However. I loved the way she fought to keep her independence! <--LOVED! I think her plan to try to marry a wimpy man that she could run over was actually pretty solid...at first. But why marry at all? I'm glad you asked, random Goodreader!
In order for her to inherit her family's estate, the will states that she must be married to a noble and either have a child or be pregnant with one by her next birthday. Of course, Daniel is a Lord who just happens to have found out (same time, same office) that he ALSO has to be married in order to collect the $$ from his grandmother's will. Problem solved for both of them, except she believes he's too dominant for her purposes. Also, she used to be (still is, sorta) a pirate.<--there's more to the story, but that's enough to get you started.
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While I liked her original motives, after a while avoiding marriage to Daniel got on my nerves. They were both very attracted to each other (lots of heavy make-out sessions), he likes her quirks, he's funny and easy to talk to, and he keeps asking her to marry him. I mean, I get her initial reluctance, but I think it would have been easier to just let him know that she wasn't going to go along with it if he decided to try to lord it over her when/if they got married. And while I do love the back-and-forth thing in romances, if it goes on waaaaay too long or get waaaaay too crazy, my eyes glaze over and I start to check out. By the end? Boy, did this get wacky...
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I liked Daniel well enough. Too bad he wasn't paired up with a more likable heroine because he was pretty much what I look for in a fantasy guy. Sadly, Valoree's idiotic stunts towards the end made me wonder what in the world he saw in her. Just...no.
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Around the last 30% the story just went completely off the rails and took a trip to WTFland. All these little unnecessary side plots started rapidly tidying up in pretty inorganic ways. Someone is (maybe) trying to kill Valoree + Her fake aunt has a secret origin + One of her suitors may be someone's dead (only not dead) baby + The pirate who killed her brother is still at large + Gotta get preggo! + Will the king charge Valoree with treason? + Can Daniel open up and treat Valoree like an adult human with a working mind? + Valoree needs to stop sulking like a child = Clusterfuck.
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Still, at the very end, Valoree kicked ass pretty hard. To me, it gave some redemption to the asinine way she acted during other parts of the story.
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It's a readable story, but ultimately not what I was looking for to scratch my Pirate itch. {insert syphilis joke here}...more
This cover is Fabiolous, right?! I. am. hilarious.
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I went into this knowing that it was an (almost) 20 year old romance about pirates, so I was This cover is Fabiolous, right?! I. am. hilarious.
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I went into this knowing that it was an (almost) 20 year old romance about pirates, so I was prepared to give it some wiggle room for a lot of things. But, at the same time, this one kept popping up as one of the Top Pirate Romances of all time, so I was also seriously excited by the prospect of reading such a guilty pleasure. *whispers* Faaaabio...
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Sadly, this did not live up to my (rather pathetic) expectations. And while I was a bit let down by the lack of swashbuckling, I was quite honestly more let down by the lack of hot n' dirty pirate sex. I mean, there was sex, but it was just...eh.
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Ha! Ok, I'm throwing this one in as a freebie:
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Can't unsee that shit, can you? You're welcome, Goodreads!
Ok, ok. So what was wrong with Gentle Rogue, you ask? Well, more than likely the problem stems from it being an (almost) 20 year old romance about pirates. So. Yeah. It was just dull by today's romance standards, and since I didn't read it back in the day, I didn't have the nostalgia to poke me in the feels and trick me into enjoying it more.
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Still, there were very real problems with the story. I thought Mallory was an asshole. And not in a rogue-ish way, either. Just douchey, you know? He was an ass for the sake of being an ass, and for some unknown reason, everyone thought it was charming. Ok, you know that person who likes to make rude comments loudly about strangers in public, while everyone else just cringes inwardly and looks away? That's Mallory in a nutshell. You'd think he gets away with it because he's got money and comes from nobility, but that's not it. It's apparently because he's better at fighting than anyone else in the world. He's a ninja-pirate! *rolls eyes* Whatever. Georgina wasn't any better. She was an idiot. The book tried to pass her off as a determined little spitfire, but what that actually meant was dumbass. She was like a cat who eats a ball of yarn, then freaks out because there's shit hanging out of their ass on a string. Except she wasn't as much fun to watch. In short, they were both ridiculous, and I didn't like either of them.
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Then there was the gross age gap. First, let me say that I'm not knocking age gaps. But my personal cutoff date on said gap is whether or not this person could be your parent. Georgina was 22, and Mallory had a son who was 17. Sorry, that's cutting it a little too close for my taste. Blech...
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Another annoyance was all the times that Georgina got nervous or ran off and hid because either Mallory or one of her brothers was threatening to beat her. And, no, none of them ever did, so I probably could have given that a pass if the book had been more interesting. As it was, it grated on my nerves and made me hate all the characters even more.
Still. Fabio. 2 stars for the story and an extra star for that cover.
Except neither of them read this. So, I'm just that idiot who climbed the water tower, got drunk waiting for her friends to show up, and had to be forcibly removed by the cops for trying to pee off the edge. Thanks for leaving me hanging, guys!...more
I think I'm kinda over my Pirate phase. I've checked out the (generally agreed upon) top 2 Pirate Romances, this one a3.5 stars
Ahoy, matey! sigh
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I think I'm kinda over my Pirate phase. I've checked out the (generally agreed upon) top 2 Pirate Romances, this one and Gentle Rogue, and neither of them really got me excited to read about more shenanigans on the high seas. I even threw in a female pirate story (aptly named Lady Pirate) for good measure, but I don't know... I guess pirates aren't my thing?
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But this wasn't bad. Especially considering that it's an older romance novel! I mean, there were a few times that by today's standards he shouldn't have kissed her, but on the whole, this wasn't as rapey as I expected. I'm trying not to think too hard about that last sentence because it disturbs me on many levels...
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Anyway. Even though the whole thing starts with a bunch of female convicts (and our heroine!) getting kidnapped by pirates so that they can become wives, the story ends up being rather sweet. The pirates all end up being sweethearts who decide that willing wives are what they want, and the Pirate Lord ends up championing women's rights by the time it's all over with. All's well that ends well, I say!
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Even though this was a bit too old to rock my world, it was still entertaining and made me want to seek out more stuff by Sabrina Jeffries....more
Boy, this was just kinda bleak and depressing. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. I guess I was hoping for somet2.5 stars
Boy, this was just kinda bleak and depressing. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. I guess I was hoping for something different? To be honest, Peter Pan & his Co. are nowhere near my favorite characters. Even as a child, I thought he was obnoxious and stupid, and the Disney movie just depressed me. What was wrong with those people? Why the Hell did Wendy act like such an adult? Why wouldn't her parents let her stay with her brothers in the nursery? God! Those people were cruel! No wonder she wandered off with that creepy Pan kid. And then, why didn't he come back and live with her family at the end of the story? WHAT KIND OF CRAZY STORY IS THAT TO TELL LITTLE KIDS?
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*cough* The whole thing was just f-ed up. To me, anyway. Point is, I don't even like this story when it's not being retold in some horribly gloomy way from Hook's perspective. But if you are one of the millions of readers who adore anything Pan-related, you may have an entirely different experience than I did. Unfortunately, there was nothing about this one that I enjoyed. Sorry.
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Was Hook supposed to be a villain by the end? If so, I thought the author did a poor job convincing me that he had done anything wrong. And Pan? I wanted him dead. Tiger Lilly, too! Someone please run both those bitches through with a sword!
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Wendy? Shove that obnoxious little twat overboard, please. And her idiot brothers. And while you're at it, the rest of those spineless Lost Boys, as well. All of 'em. I wanna hear a big SPLASH!
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Well, Anne, if a book can make you feel this angry, then the author did a good job, right? Ok, maybe you have a point. If the author's point was to make me hate every single character in this story...job well done! Thing is, I was also bored during this book. Like, reallyreallyreally bored. The writing wasn't bad, but the story just sort of drug on and on and on and on without anything exciting going down. It was just one shitty thing after another happening to James Hook. And it felt like I was reading it in Real Time. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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Admittedly, I'm not a fan of stories that don't give a reader hope. I don't enjoy reading defeatist stuff, and I don't enjoy watching someone self-destruct. Particularly when there was nothing they could have done to change the outcome. And I especially don't enjoy reading about it when there's no action. Hook and Pan fight. Hook could kill him...but because {insert inexplicable reason here} doesn't. Pan does something childishly evil. Wash, rinse, repeat. And then it ends.
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When I closed the book last night, I was ready to give this one star for wasting my time. But I honestly think the author is a good writer, so maybe it's just that it wasn't my cuppa.
This looks like it's going to be a series of books, each based on one of the twelve princesses of Swansgaard. This is Clarice's story... Like the blurbThis looks like it's going to be a series of books, each based on one of the twelve princesses of Swansgaard. This is Clarice's story... Like the blurb explains, the kingdom is tiny, and her parents can't afford to marry off all of their daughters (with a nice dowry). But because they have progressive/loving/supportive/cool parents, each of the princesses has been trained in the profession of their choice. Clarice (the eldest daughter) chose to train with a sword. On her eighteenth birthday, she takes off to find adventure and make her way in the world as a famous swordswoman. Now, from what I understand, that plan mainly consisted of her winning some duels, making a name for herself, and getting some students. In order to do that, she decides to travel to this world's version of the Americas. Of course, she ends up on a ship with an evil captain, and (after bad things happen) the crew does the mutiny thing. As a landlubber, I had no idea this was such a big deal. Apparently, though, you're not supposed to do that sort of thing on the High Seas...for any reason. I learned something new!
Clarence/Clarice has become close friends with the ship's navigator, and (naturally) she develops feelings for him, but can't seem to find the right time to let him know she's a girl. The romance is important to the plot, but it takes a backseat to the action and adventure stuff. It's a nice touch, and since there's no hanky-panky going on between these two, they have to actually become real friends. Bonus!
Meanwhile, since this is a world with magic, they also run into some supernatural piratey stuff. They have to fight off curses, charms, and a witchy woman who seems to have some powerful hocus pocus on her side.
Is it great? No. I've enjoyed some of Lackey's stories in the past, but this one didn't WOW me enough to make me want to come back and re-visit this world. But I didn't hate it, either. It was just sort of...meh? It was entertaining, and there was nothing glaringly wrong with the book, so if you're looking for a light adventure story, then this might be for you.
I was given a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
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