Pre-Tolkien fantasy. And if you thought Tolkien meandered...
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I knew going into it that I probably wasn't going to adore it, but I really wanted Pre-Tolkien fantasy. And if you thought Tolkien meandered...
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I knew going into it that I probably wasn't going to adore it, but I really wanted to see what it was all about. Mainly, because someone had recommended it to me a while back, and it looked interesting from a classic fantasy sort of view. And I'm not sorry I spent my time on it. I will say that I used the same tactic that I did with Lord of the Rings and sped the narration up 2.5x. I didn't feel like marinating in all the detail that wasn't important to the main story. And there was a lot that wasn't at all important. I know there are tons of readers who enjoy just swimming around in the lyrical prose, but I'm not one of them.
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The skinny gist is that a group of men go to their lord and make known their wish that he bring magic to the royal bloodline. They simply can't think of a better way to put their village on the map. He then sends his son, Alveric, on a quest to marry the daughter of the King of Elfland. He does a bit of boring questing involving finding the border of Elfland & getting a magical sword, and then finally besting Princess Lirazel's guards. Lirazel quickly falls in love with Alveric and they run away to his home, Erl. So far, so good.
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Of course, Alveric wants to convert Lirazel to his human ways and to his human God, and Lirazel struggles with how different things are in her adopted homeland. They have a boy they name Orion and things bump along alright for a few years before Alveric really starts to pressure Lirazel to get with the program. Well, like any relationship with a huge cultural divide, things get a tad testy. Meanwhile, the King of Elfland is freaking completely out because his beloved daughter was "stolen" from him, and has moved into that world where time doesn't stand still. She's aging and he's terrified she'll die. So he sends a troll to our world with a rune that will bring her back. Except she kind of knows what it is and avoids looking at it because she loves her little boy and her husband - even though the latter is really working her nerves at this point.
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Then one day, after a particularly bad fight, she takes a peek at the rune because she's homesick and tired of Alveric's shit. BOOM! She's dragged back to Elfland! And not only that but her father moves the border and basically bars the way in so he can keep the creepy human boys away from his little girl.
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At this point, Alveric realizes what a dumbass he's been and sets out to get his wife back. Ooooh this is getting good! <--is what you probably think, right? Wrong. This is where the whole story grinds to a halt and starts to go sideways. The rest of this is an incredibly tedious bunch of quests that could. not. be. less interesting. Orion learns how to hunt and then spends an amazing amount of page time hunting unicorns. In excruciating detail. Not the killing! Just the growing up, meeting hunters, getting a dog pack, tracking the scent, running one to the ground, blah, blah, blah.
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And his dad picks a group of guys to go find the border of Elfland. Complete with a couple of crazies who eventually turn crazier and basically hold him prisoner to keep him from leaving them. And while that might sound interesting, it's not.
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Dry questing and descriptive prose take up the rest of the book. Nothing, and I mean nothing that happens to either Alveric Or Orion makes any difference one way or the other to the conclusion of the story. Meanwhile, the parliament of men who went to the original lord and asked for a magical bloodline to rule them gets more than they bargained for when trolls and other magical creatures decide to take a vacation from Elfand. Be careful of what you wish for is the moral of the story here. However, due to Lirazel missing her husband and son, the King of Elfland finally relents and they all get a happily ever after.
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I guess what Dunsany was trying to say is that if you marry a girl from Elfland, don't expect her to be anything but a girl from Elfland. Trying to convert her to your religion and tamping down her wild side isn't going to lead to a happy marriage. A hot elf chick fell in love with you - just enjoy it, idiot.
The first book in the series felt a bit more genuine because Lady Blakeney was unaware of her husband's secFun. But not as fun as the original.
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The first book in the series felt a bit more genuine because Lady Blakeney was unaware of her husband's secret identity, so her fuckups were funny but she didn't come off as an idiot. This time around, she just came off as a dumbass for the sake of dumbassery.
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So, due to plot requirements, Marguerite St. Just (aka Lady Blakeney) rushes headfirst into danger and gets herself captured by the evil Chauvelin and his cronies. HEADS WILL ROLL! Get it? Get it...?
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The best part of this one is how sweet Marguerite and Percy are together in this one. Come for the adventure, stay for the romance, right?
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Ok, so the skinny gist is that Chauvelin manages to worm an invite into the Blakeney's home during a big party, and then challenges Sir Percy to a duel over the honor of a French actress who purposely stirred up a young guest of the Blakeneys by wearing her dead mother's jewels to the party. Duels are illegal in England, so when Percy accepts Chauvelin's challenge the only way to fulfill it is to travel to France. Where the mad revolutionists are waiting to grab him and lop off his head! Or something along those lines.
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This story, while cute, just didn't have the same spark for me. I'm not sure if I continue on with these books, but I'm not sorry I've read them, either....more
I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. - Neil Gaiman I feel that adequately sums up the gist of this book.
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II think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. - Neil Gaiman I feel that adequately sums up the gist of this book.
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If you don't already know, this tells the story of a young woman who had an adulterous affair with a man she refused to name which resulted in a child. It's not hard to for the reader to figure out who he is, and when her husband comes back to town he also figures it out, then sets about mentally torturing him for years. Meanwhile, because the woman committed the crime/sin of adultery, she is sentenced to wear a piece of cloth with the letter A emblazoned on it. In scarlet. <--in case you hadn't guessed that part.
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I have to give a mention to the "introduction". Now, I read this book back in high school for my English class. And this time around I re-read it with my daughter who is also reading it for her high school English class - except now they call it Language Arts, I think. Anyway, her teacher told her they could skip the introduction. But being a full-grown adult, I decided to read the whole thing. And I did, but damn my mind wandered. There was a lot of nonsense just to say that our anonymous narrator found a scarlet cloth with the letter A on it, and a short explanation about Hester Prynne which inspired him to write a story about her. I said all that to say this, maybe my kid's teacher had the right idea.
This is not the easiest book to read thanks to Hawthorne's penchant for using twenty words when one would do, so it's not the most interesting thing to hand to high school kids. Honestly, I don't know why they continue to make children suffer through so many of these classics and then wonder why kids don't like to read anymore, but there you go.
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Alright. I don't know if the ending is supposed to sound hopeful, but it makes me ill to think that someone might have actually felt that way about it. The townspeople respect her when it's all said and done with because she persevered and took her lumps like a boss. But who cares if you win the respect of sanctimonious assholes? She should have stayed with the then-grown Pearl, wherever she was. Why not enjoy your daughter? Why not find someone new? Or better yet, just find something new to do? Move on, goddammit. But she couldn't let go of that guilt. And the thing is, most guilt is relative to a belief system, not to any reality. I mean, would she feel so oppressively guilty now? No. She would have gotten a divorce from her husband, or not married him at all. And I'm betting he would have just simply decided that women were the pits & gone back to his research. Who knows, she & Arthur might even have lasted for a few years before she decided he was a douchy waste of space. At which point, they would have parted ways and he and Hester would have shared custody of Pearl. The end.
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This book is a lot of things, and you can take so much away from reading it. A look at the old Puritanical New England, an expose on women being punished more severely than men when it comes to sexual morality, or even the hypocrisy that allows someone to preach against the thing that they themselves are guilty of doing in the dark. For me personally, my main takeaway is that wasting your life feeling guilty is maybe the biggest sin out there. You have to forgive yourself and move on. If not, you'll end up just like Hester. Alone on the outskirts of town, sitting in a cottage giving (probably terrible) advice to young women who are in trouble, hoping that it will eventually be enough penance to earn you a place in Heaven.
You get what anybody gets - you get a lifetime. - Also Neil Gaiman
Pro Tip: Honoré de Balzac isn't a name that someone with a Southern accent has an easy time with, and I walked around for a week telling everyone that Pro Tip: Honoré de Balzac isn't a name that someone with a Southern accent has an easy time with, and I walked around for a week telling everyone that I was reading a book by someone whose name was Ballsack. Honestly, I should have just listened to the book, shut up, and kept my redneck pronunciation tucked under my hat. It's hard to be taken seriously when you have a drawl.
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Okay, first things first. Cousin Bette isn't as sympathetic as I thought she'd be when I read the blurb. She's a bit of a dick. Now there are moments when you can get behind her, but most of the time, she's just as selfish and unlikable as the rest of the characters in the book. So don't go into this thinking you'll get to root for some downtrodden heroine.
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And yet, by the end of the book I was convinced the true villain was Adeline. Now, I'm not saying it was her fault that her scumbag husband, Baron Hector Hulot, cheated on her. But I am saying that it's probably not the best idea to comfort your husband when his mistress throws him over for a wealthier man. Balzac did this thing where he wrote her as this pseudo-sympathetic character, full of what everyone thinks the virtues of a good wife are, then perfectly pointed the finger at why all of those virtues are bullshit. Led by her long-suffering example, her entire family fell into one ruinous situation after another. Put a foot up his ass, Madame!
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Ok. So the skinny gist is that Bette is this swarthy peasant who is jealous of her family. They're not terrible to her but they treat her like she's...well, a swarthy peasant.
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BUT THEN. You find out Bette has been financially supporting this sexy little artist in her building. She says she thinks of him as a son but...oh-ho-ho, methinks not! So imagine her surprise when Adeline's beautiful daughter flits in like the Hamburgler and steals her young man right out from under her.
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Now she's pissed. In an effort to screw with them, she teams up with Valérie, an unscrupulous married woman in her apartment building. Valérie seduces (I use that term loosely) Adeline's husband and takes him for everything he has, bankrupting the family, while Adeline coos, coddles, and suffers in silence. Valérie is so good at her job that she is also simultaneously carrying on affairs with several other men - including Adeline's daughter's husband and her son's father-in-law! These men are all ridiculous and stupid. There's just no other way to describe them.
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Throughout the story, Hulot just could not stop himself from chasing ever-younger ass. By the end of it he was just a sad old fart with half a chubby running after girls, and yet (like most narcissists) he never really got what was coming to him. Because right up till the end, Adeline worshiped and enabled him. No one really got what they wanted, Bette included. But she came close a time or two. Fun story! Recommended....more
This book embodies the term swashbuckling. As in, Don Diego de la Vega swashes and buckles better than anyone who has ever held a sword and loved a womThis book embodies the term swashbuckling. As in, Don Diego de la Vega swashes and buckles better than anyone who has ever held a sword and loved a woman.
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I still can't make up my mind if it was great or awful but I enjoyed it either way. Zorro sings, winks at his friends, taunts his enemies, steals romantic kisses from his betrothed, and generally is just the best at everything right up to the last page. Is it at all realistic? No. But dammit, it's exactly what we want to see!
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The Further Adventures continues with a character we thought was dead at the end of the last book, the evil Caption Ramon, rising up from the grave to haunt Zorro and his soon-to-be bride, the lovely senorita Lolita. McCulley doesn't bother to explain why Ramon isn't still dead, he just flitters past it with a quick little - he recovered from getting run through with a sword and lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood for god knows how long before someone must have realized he was still alive and took him to the ER, where I'm sure they performed cutting edge surgery that saved his life, and now he's up and running about as though nothing happened - kind of explanation. In other words, Captain Ramon rises from the ashes like a phoenix because that first Zorro movie was a hit and now we're making a sequel.
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On the flip side, the somewhat morally ambiguous Sgt. Gonzales makes a complete turnaround and is now solidly on the side of angels. And Zorro's friends the bold caballeros, who honestly seem like a bunch of chivalrous frat boys, also play a bigger role in this book.
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Bill Homewood was perfect because he read this in an even more OTT way than anyone could have possibly asked him to do. I visualized the villain's twirling mustache, I saw Zorro skipping along the ship's rigging singing, and I felt faint as Senorita Lolita Pulido swooned. I should have been rolling my eyes but I was in love with his rendition of these characters.
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So prepare yourself, Random Goodreader. Pirates may make our hero walk the plank, but the power of friendship, shoddy rope-tying practices, and true love will eventually save the day! Recommended....more
Top to bottom, this was great. As an adventure story, this has it all - swordfights, near escapes, secret identities, romance, anSo. Much. Fun.
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Top to bottom, this was great. As an adventure story, this has it all - swordfights, near escapes, secret identities, romance, and deliciously colorful villains! Normally when I hear that something was serialized, I just assume it's going to be a bit too long and full of unnecessary filler that the author was using to pad out his word count. Not this time. McCulley wrote this in 5 easy installments, each one chock full of nothing but pulpy goodness.
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The story is seemingly set in the late 1700s to early 1800s when California was still under Spanish rule. Although, I'm not an expert and I believe some of the movies depict the time period as under Mexican rule. Point is, this was before California was a part of the United States and the West was still wild. Our hero, Don Diego Vega, is rich and handsome but pretends to be a lifeless dud so no one will suspect that he is actually the swashbuckling hero Zorro - righter of wrongs and defender of innocents!
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Fun Facts: In Spanish zorro means fox, so if you're wondering what all the references to the fox are about in this thing, there's your answer. Also, this was originally titled The Curse of Capistrano when it came out in 1919, but after the popularity of the silent film The Mark of Zorro, the book was re-released in 1924 with the same name.
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I wasn’t expecting to like it as much as The Scarlet Pimpernel, but I did. If I had to pick between the two of them it would be tough, and Orczy’s adventure tale has been my go-to for a classic that is actually fun to read for years. Highly Recommended!...more
The Mirror Crack'd A really good Christie mystery for Marple fans. The victim, Heather Babcock, is one of those idiots that get on everyone's nerves. You know, a pushy do-gooder that forces their help on everyone? It's not sad when she bites it.
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A Caribbean Mystery The magical Miss Marple does it again! Only this time she does it on a tropical vacation.
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Unlike quite a few of the Marple mysteries, this one heavily features everyone's favorite little old spinster. As in, she's not just a side character in her own story. I personally just love the way her inner mind works. So proper and sweet...but not really.
Nemesis Agatha isn't known for her sequels, but that's almost exactly what Nemisis is...in a way. Remember A Caribbean Mystery?! No? Yeah, well it was somewhat forgettable. But for whatever reason, Christie decided to use one of those characters that Jane teamed up with to kick start this mystery. And while most of them have absolutely nothing to do with her current Nemesis, you do get a tiny peek at what some of those guys are up to now. <--kinda cool
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What Mrs. McGillicuddy Saw! This story is also known as 4:50 from Paddington. Lucy Eyelesbarrow is the best thing about this book. Loved her. Why is she not in more books? She and Miss Marple were just an unbeatable team!
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The Body in the Library I figured it out! I knew whodunnit! I was smugly chuckling and congratulating myself on finally beating Agatha Christie at her own game as I listened to the end of the book drawing near, knowing that I had beaten the Queen of Mystery.
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Goddammit. She fooled me again. I was all like, wait...whatthefuckjusthappened?! - as I listened to the actual murderer get hauled off to the pokey. sighs
This one isn't a paranormal story at all but it does have that psychological The Pit and the Pendulum feel to it, especially at the end.
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BasicalThis one isn't a paranormal story at all but it does have that psychological The Pit and the Pendulum feel to it, especially at the end.
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Basically, a baby-faced idiot falls for a very bad woman that he thinks needs rescuing. You can see it coming from a mile away, but that makes it even more fun to watch. I mean, who doesn't like a good train wreck? And watching some youthful Romeo make an ass out of himself over a married woman is the kind of thing that ignites itself into just the best kind of flaming wreckage, imho.
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The ending was a nail-biter and I thought Le Fanu did a great job of stringing out the tension! Recommended....more
OH-KAY. Yes. This was spooky. This story comes from a friend of a friend of a friend who knows someone's third cousin who has heard alllll about the haOH-KAY. Yes. This was spooky. This story comes from a friend of a friend of a friend who knows someone's third cousin who has heard alllll about the haunted house that used to be occupied by Justice Harbottle from their brother-in-law. I know I'm not the only one who loves this type of wacky storytelling.
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Justice Harbottle is a smarmy judge who uses his power and influence to get innocent men and women sent to the gallows. The case that finally does him in is the husband of Harbottle's housekeeper, who he has brought up on trumped-up forgery charges and then sentenced to death, so he can keep sleeping with her.
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A little while later his ghost and all of Harbottle's old victims return and hold their own Night Court to pass judgment on him. The sentence? Death. They even give him an execution date. Ooooooooooh! How's this gonna go down?! <--I wondered
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Ok, fair warning, there was a little weird thing at the beginning where Harbottle and this supposed informant have a meeting, and it honestly doesn't do anything for the ghost story. I don't know why Le Fanu even put it in there unless he was getting paid by the word. BUT. The rest of this short was pretty great, and the narrator did a fabulous job. I listened to this as part of the collection In a Glass Darkly. Recommended....more
Pee-yew! My second stinker in a row from Le Fanu. I didn't think he could write anything could be more boring than Green Tea but he managed it. This timPee-yew! My second stinker in a row from Le Fanu. I didn't think he could write anything could be more boring than Green Tea but he managed it. This time around, our main character is stalked by a small man. Yes, you read that right.
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Ok. So it starts with this guy, Captain Barton, a retired navy man who gets engaged to this pretty young woman. On the way home from her house one night, he gets stalked by someone invisible, then finds a sinister note the next day warning him to stay off of that street. I should mention that he's an atheist. So. Yeah. Now, he's going to learn the hard way that the spiritual stuff is REAL.
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Things escalate when he sees this sinister looking small man a few days later while he's out with friends. He freaks out and goes home and everyone is all, what just happened, duuude?, but they assume he'll be fine. He is not fine, as it turns out. The small man is some sort of supernatural stalker.
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Obviously, he's wronged someone (probably the small man) and this is his punishment. Unfortunately, the spirit stalker never really does anything. He just kind of shows up every now and then. His old acquaintance and maybe someday father-in-law tries to help him, but everywhere they go this little guy pops up...and lurks. And that's the part that I don't get. THIS DUDE NEVER DOES ANYTHING THAT WOULD FRIGHTEN A READER.
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I understand that it would be freaky as hell if you were literally being followed by a dead guy you had fucked over. But that doesn't make for a scary story. Small Man needed to reach out with his icy fingers and touch the back of Barton's neck while he was in a spooky house by himself. Or something! It's just not all that chilling when this ghost dude goes and says things like “Monsieur is walking too fast; he will lose his sick comrade in the throng, for, by my faith, the poor gentleman seems to be fainting.” to the father-in-law. What is he? The Spirit of Helpfulness? Uuuuuugh. There was never a moment where I was interested in any part of this tale. In case you're wondering, the moral of the story is that the guy learns to believe in God.
Weird and extremely boring. I was listening to the audiobook and I must have had to rewind about a thousand times because I'd just space out due to thWeird and extremely boring. I was listening to the audiobook and I must have had to rewind about a thousand times because I'd just space out due to the terrible quality of the storytelling.
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The gist is that this dude drinks Green Tea while studying ancient religions. Too much Green Tea later will open your third eye. Apparently. Because the next thing you know, he's on a bus and suddenly this demon monkey appears to him. He sees it all the time and it drives him crazy. He appeals to a non-practicing doctor who believes in the spiritual side of things in the hopes that this guy can help him.
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This was bad. Just from start to finish. Green tea and a demon monkey? Getthefuckoutofhere....more
Oh...kay. So this was the last book in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That second book tricked me into thinking this last one was going to be, I don't Oh...kay. So this was the last book in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That second book tricked me into thinking this last one was going to be, I don't know, fast-paced & action-y? Not so much. It was actually quite long. In fact, I didn't think it was ever going to end. And then once it did end and that ring got dumped off into a volcano and they beat Sauron back? It kept going. I shit you not, there is an entire fake history lesson written into the back of the book.
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Alright. The best way I can describe the last TWO HOURS of the audiobook version of this is to say that it reminded me of those books in the Bible where so-n-so begat so-n-so. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, so two fucking hours of made-up names of kings and their made-up kingdoms and a snippet of something these people did. I HONESTLY COULD NOT HAVE CARED ANY LESS. By the end of it, I really felt like I could have used a Sam to drag my ass across the finish line.
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But I didn't have a brave little Hobbit who loved me, so I just had to put my head down and plow through this shit. PS - all of you who told me there was some awesome love story between Aragorn and Arwen? Fuck you guys. That was awful and I can't believe I was looking forward to reading that. What is wrong with you people?! Legolas and Gimli had a better love story with a much happier ending. And the thing is, I really thought I'd like Sam & Frodo more, but they were both just too weepy for my taste. As far as buddies went, I was team Gimli & Legolas all the way.
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A big part of my frustration with this last book is that there were just so. many. unnecessary. conversations. That time Aragorn had a 30 minute discussion about herbs with the healers who didn't know what that herb was that he needed to heal all the people with the black shadow sickness. The scene went on and on and on as he talked to one old lady nay, me lord! I didn't know whatthefuckever herb was good for healing! and then he talks to the top healer dude who says we only use whatthefuckever to occasionally to make sick rooms smell better, sire. and then he has to shake his head sadly and then and get people to run around looking for it and then they find some of it but it's a few weeks old and it turns out that 3 week old whatthefuckever is still good enough to heal the folks... And then he makes a joke about how silly all the healers were later. <--Ahahahahaha! Yes. It was hilarious that you wasted all that time talking about an insignificant herb! Move it along, sir.
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Good stuff? 1) The friendships. There was a lot more hugging and kissing and crying than I thought there would be in a tale about a bunch of dudes. It was sweet. And it was nice to see such deep feelings expressed between men (and elves and dwarves and Ents and horses). 2) Eowyn. She was cool and badass and all the things. If the whole book had been about her, I think I would have liked it a lot more. 3) Really it was just Eowyn. Sorry.
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I wanted to love this, and I went into book 3 with the best of intentions. I swear. I didn't read it just to dump on the world's most beloved fantasy novel. I still respect the hell out of the entire trilogy even though I really can't say that I liked it or enjoyed it much. And I definitely don't regret finally finishing this and ticking it off of my bucket list. Well worth it to know the story that spawned a thousand more stories. Recommended for people who like this stuff....more
Not one tower, but TWO towers. You are definitely getting your money's worth here, my friend.
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Also, less singing here than in the 1st book. But stNot one tower, but TWO towers. You are definitely getting your money's worth here, my friend.
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Also, less singing here than in the 1st book. But still plenty of singing. <--don't you worry your crusty Hobbit feet about it if that was your jam last time around.
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Ok, so this one surprised me. I thought it was going to be an absolute chore to get through. Boring walks, long-ass songs, and nothing much in the way of forward plot movement. <--is what I thought this whole book would be like. But NO! Once this thing got going it really got going. There were all kinds of battles and shit! People popping up from the dead! Big fuckin' trees walking all around!
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And there was some actually before-his-time girl power here! Honestly, I'm not used to reading shit like that coming out of a female character's mouth from a book that was written at the same time James Bond was talking about the sweet tang of rape in Casino Royale. You get an extra fucking star from me for that one line, Mr. Tolkien.
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Alright. Just so you don't think I've turned over an entirely new leaf and can now somehow get excited over books that ramble, this one definitely had its moments. Moments that tested my patience. Like the part where we've just been on a whole long walking adventure with Pippin, Merry, and the Ents, and then they meet up with all the other LotR dudes. You would think all that would be necessary would be a line about how Merry & Pippin told the other dudes what they had been through. And Lo! Merry and Pippin caught everyone up on the shenanigans with the Ents. And yet...they gave a full recap.
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But this was such (for me) an easier read than the 1st book. I'm (dare I say it?) almost looking forward to The Return of the King! Recommended!...more
As far as I can tell this looks to be exactly what it says it is, so if you're looking for all of Miss Marple's shorts, this wouldn't be a bad purchasAs far as I can tell this looks to be exactly what it says it is, so if you're looking for all of Miss Marple's shorts, this wouldn't be a bad purchase. Each story is linked to a slightly longer review for anyone interested in a particular one.
The Tuesday Night Club The Origin of The Marple! Yes, this is the first Miss Marple story, and I don't really think you can call yourself a superfan if you haven't read this one. #loser
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The Idol House of Astarte The beautiful young socialite, Diana Ashley, convinces the other guests to play dress up and go out to the supposedly sacred grove of Astarte (on the property) that had a small temple/house there. It's all fun and games till the owner of the house, Sir Richard, falls over dead with a stab wound and there's no knife to be found. How did this toga party go so wrong?!
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Ingots of Gold Once again the Tuesday Night Club meets up, and this time it's Miss Marple's own nephew, writer Raymond West, who tells a story. He hopes that the group (well, actually Miss Marple) can figure out what happened when his friend, John Newman, was kidnapped while his salvage ship was robbed of its treasure.
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The Bloodstained Pavement This time when the Tuesday Night Club meets, Joyce (Raymond West's future wife) tells the story of her time painting in the small coastal village of Rathole. She witnesses a husband and wife go off on a bathing trip with a woman they ran into when they got to the hotel. Without realizing what she was doing, Joyce painted blood stains onto her painting. When the wife drowns a few weeks later, Joyce wonders if she had some sort of a premonition.
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Motive v. Opportunity What is it with so many of Christie's characters getting taken in by spiritualists all the time!? I'm guessing that was probably a very talked-about THING back in the day. Ooooh! Did you hear about Gertrude? She's been seeing that Madame Zartan on the regular since her husband died, and I'm pretty sure that wacky bitch is bleeding her dry. I'll bet her kids won't inherit a pot to piss in by the time she's done. Or something along those lines. Point is, vulnerable people have always existed to become the prey of unscrupulous snake oil salesmen.
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The Thumb Mark of St Peter This is a good one for 2 reasons. 1) Miss Marple takes her turn and tells the Tuesday Night Club of a murder that she helped solve. 2) In an adorable twist, Ramond West teases his Aunt jane that there is at least one thing she doesn't know. But she pops back and shocks him by telling him that she does know he proposed to Joyce (the artist in the group) that very evening.
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The Blue Geranium When Arthur & Dolly Bantry ask Sir Henry Clithering who he would like to invite over as a dinner guest to round out their house party, he shocks them by asking for Miss Marple to be included. When he tells Dolly about the uncanny way the elderly spinster solved the mysteries of the Tuesday Night Club the year before, she starts to think maybe Miss Marple could help her solve a seemingly paranormal murder mystery.
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The Companion Miss Marple solves the case of the lady's companion who drowned off the shore of Gran Canaria island. How? She noticed a bit of weight gain for what it was.
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The Four Suspects Sir Henry Clithering, a member of the Tuesday Night Club, takes his turn and tells a story. The title refers to a running theme in Agatha Christie's mysteries, where the goal of solving a murder isn't just to punish the guilty but to free the other parties who might be suspects from the suspicion of their friends, neighbors, and loved ones.
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A Christmas Tragedy Miss Marple knows a murdering husband when she sees one. Even if she can't prove it right away. Jane Marple recounts the time she couldn't save an adoring wife from her treacherous spouse. Without any proof and only her intuition to go on, she couldn't convince the young woman that her husband was eyeballing the windfall he would receive upon her death.
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The Herb of Death It's Mrs. Bantry's turn to tell a story to the Tuesday Night Club and she's not at all sure she can make her's sound interesting. And to be fair, she hems and haws and does a fantastic job of messing it up. It's a case of (gasp!) poisoning where everyone got sick but only one person died. Was it an accident that there was foxglove in the sage, or did something more nefarious happen?
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The Affair at the Bungalow This is the last mystery told by a member of the Tuesday Night Club, and this time around it's the ditzy but beautiful actress, Jane Helier, who offers up a crime for the group to solve. It seems as though a local bungalow was burgled and the man in custody for the robbery has a crazy story to tell...
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Death by Drowning A local girl, rumored to be pregnant by an out-of-town architect, is found drowned. The locals assume it was suicide because her father is known to be an unreasonable man.
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Miss Marple Tells a Story I loved the way Miss Marple narrated the story in a hilarious humblebrag kind of way. When a lawyer brings his client to Jane and asks her to listen to the story of the events leading up to him finding his wife dead in their hotel room, the client in question thinks it's a waste of time. However, just as her lawyer friend hoped, the fluffy old lady manages to see a few things that everyone else missed and ends up saving his bacon.
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Strange Jest Ho-ly shit. Joan Hickson's accent is TERRIBLE in this particular story. I couldn't make out half of what she was lisping out of her mouth and had to go back and re-listen to parts of this one over and over again. She's narrated several of the Miss Marple stories that I've listened to but for whatever reason, in this one, she was incredibly hard to understand.
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Tape-Measure Murder Not my favorite Marple. And yet, is any Marple a bad Marple? So. This one deals with a woman whose husband is the main suspect in her murder, mainly because he isn't showing the appropriate amount of emotion.
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The Case of the Caretaker Miss Marple, recovered from a bad bout of the flu, was feeling depressed. I guess that's a thing? Anyway, it took a lot out of her and she'd started to fall into a funk. So her good friend and physician, Doctor Haydock, brings her a file with a case he recently had so she can solve the whodunnit.
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The Case of the Perfect Maid Miss Marple knows. She's like Santa Clause or something when it comes to who has been bad or good, and her friends and neighbors would do well to listen to her advice when it comes to the hiring and firing of servants. Or employees as we call them these days.
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Sanctuary A man dies from a gunshot wound in the parson's wife's arms, whispering the word sanctuary with his dying breath. A little dramatic, no?
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Greenshaw's Folly Raymond West, Miss Marple's lovable nephew, brings home a mystery to his Aunt Jane. While trying to entertain a friend from the city with the local sight of an oddly built local house, he stumbles into a family drama and a murder-to-be decades in the making.
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I've read all of these stories in different collections but it's nice to see them all gathered in one place....more
Bluebeard gets an ass beating! Alix Martin comes into a bit of money and a whirlwind romance at the same time. Her long-time man-friend, Dick, is actinBluebeard gets an ass beating! Alix Martin comes into a bit of money and a whirlwind romance at the same time. Her long-time man-friend, Dick, is acting weird after she inherits a bit of cash from a relative and they have a falling out. Meanwhile, she runs into the handsome Geral and they fall in love and get married, against Dick's warnings that she doesn't know him well enough.
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The newlyweds buy a picturesque (but isolated) house in the country called Philomel Cottage and all is right with the world. Sort of. On the heels of a nightmare wherein Dick kills Gerald, Dick calls to let Alix know he's in town. She's a bit confused as to how she feels about that. And then gets even more confused when the gardener tells her that Gerald informed him that she would be leaving town for a while and he wasn't sure when she would return. AND that the cost of the cottage was less than what Gerald told her it was. She starts snooping and finds out that Gerald has written down everything meticulously in his diary including some mysterious task he plans to perform at 9 pm! When she confronts him, he warns her off digging into his past.
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RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Girl, that is every Lifetime movie ever made and you should definitely run. She doesn't. What she does do is go through his shit and find out that (view spoiler)[this guy has totally killed off another woman he had married for her money! (hide spoiler)] BITCH, I TOLD YOU TO RUN! Ok, but she does manage to send a coded message to Dick in the hopes that he will understand she's in BIG trouble and needs his help. So I thought Dick would ride to the rescue and save her stupid ass. No! In an incredible twist (view spoiler)[she convinces Gerald that SHE has murdered several husbands by poisoning them. YES! He's got her down in the cellar and he's got a menacing spade in his hand just ready to dig her grave, when she pops out with this whole story that she's managed to kill more than once and get away with it! And he's so scared that he starts thinking his coffee tasted bitter and (this is silly but...ok) DIES OF FRIGHT.
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And that's when Dick and the cops show up, my friend (hide spoiler)] So. There you go. This is definitely one of my top 10 Agatha Christie shorts. Highly recommended. Read it!
BEFORE Stoker's DRACULA. But AFTER Polidori's Vampyre. There was Le Fanu's Carmilla! So. Kind of like the middle child of vampire tales.
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This one wBEFORE Stoker's DRACULA. But AFTER Polidori's Vampyre. There was Le Fanu's Carmilla! So. Kind of like the middle child of vampire tales.
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This one was much shorter and much creepier than Dracula, in my opinion. Carmilla was a scary bitch. And part of that was because she was this ethereally beautiful creature that charmed her way into the family's hearts, not some zombie dirt-muncher that was mindlessly roaming the moors looking for the odd sleepwalker. Although she did like a bit of light snacking in between the main meal, as a lot of peasants in the area surrounding Laura's home fell ill and died from some unknown wasting sickness.
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Oh, and little Carmilla has a bit of a crush on the naive Laura. “I have never been in love with no one, and never shall," she whispered, "unless it should be with you.” That was interesting. Apparently, Stephanie Meyer wasn't the first author to write a creepy watching you sleep scene, either. Only Carmilla liked to stab a fang in Laura's tit every now and then. So. Unbelievably, the point goes to Edward for being a gentleman and keeping his canines to himself whilst he sat in the corner of Bella's room.
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There were actually a lot of creepy scenes in this. Starting with the opening scene where Laura describes meeting Carmilla for the first time when she was just a little child. She just pops out from under her bed like the boogeyman and proceeds to do her vampiric worst, then slithers back under there and disappears until Laura is a young woman. Talk about the long-term stalking game.
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When they find an old portrait of someone who looks a helluva lot like Carmilla in the attic... Whaaaaaat?! I swear to god, I've read so many books like this that if I find a hundred year old painting that resembles someone I know, I'm 100% going to just stake them on the spot. They are definitely a vampire. You know it, I know it, and there's no court of law that will convict me because everyone in that jury box will have read some shit like this before and be nodding along with me. They were undead. Nothing to be done but run a bitch through. NOT GUILTY.
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Ok, I can feel myself going off the rails a bit, so let me just end this by saying that this is my top old-timey vampire story. Highly Recommended!...more
Poe's Petrifying Pit & the Pendulum! It's been 20-plus years since I'd read this one and I had forgotten how this one ended. Very cool.
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Our belePoe's Petrifying Pit & the Pendulum! It's been 20-plus years since I'd read this one and I had forgotten how this one ended. Very cool.
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Our beleaguered narrator has already been through some shit at the hands of those damn dirty monks, but this story starts with him being sentenced to death by some higher-ups in Ye Olde Inquisition. He swoons. As you do in situations like that. He wakes up in total darkness with only drugged food and the rats that want to eat it first for company. Feeling around, he discovers a hole in the floor. Why is there a hole in the floor? Oh, and is the picture on the ceiling moving?! Wait. That's not a fucking picture.
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The psychological horror in this is as terrifying as the very real horror of bodily harm the main character faces. It was scary and awful and just all the things you would imagine. Makes you wonder what happened to those monks.
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Definitely worth a read (or a listen) if you're in the mood for something by Poe.
Alex Wilson - Narrator Publisher: Telltale Weekly Edition: Unabridged...more
A good group of Christie's shorts that seemingly contain a bit of a paranormal twist. Or do they? There are links to a slightly longer review for each oA good group of Christie's shorts that seemingly contain a bit of a paranormal twist. Or do they? There are links to a slightly longer review for each of the short stories if anyone is interested in a particular one.
S.O.S. Mortimer Cleveland is a paranormal researcher. When his car breaks down, he stops and knocks on the door of a nearby house that belongs to the Dinsmeads. It doesn't take him long to sense that something is wrong, but he can't put his finger on what exactlyit is. Is there something supernaturally sinister about this home or is the evil a little more human in nature? Can it possibly be a little bit of both? Sure. Why not.
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The Call of Wings A morality tale. And not a terribly good one. I've always found those the rich must give away their money to find true happiness stories a bag of bullshit. Should you do good things for others if you have more? Yes. If you are in a position to help, then help. I don't think that means you need to feel guilty for having money, though. Unless you are unscrupulous and are harming people to get it, then you're just a lucky bastard and you should enjoy.
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The Fourth Man This one was an incredibly inaccurate portrayal of dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities) AND hypnotism but it was so entertaining! Bananas plot about a woman with DID that killed herself. Or was she actually killing someone else? A wacky must-read.
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The Gipsy Fate, fortunetelling, reincarnation, and true love. Dickie Carpenter is terrified of gypsies. Why? He's been having dreams since he was a child of a gypsy that frightens him. When he runs into her in his waking hours as an adult, it changes the course of his life.
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The Hound of Death It was a bit convoluted at times as it revolved around a priestess of an ancient religion who was reincarnated as a nun. She blew some shit up to save her convent from the Nazis. However, when an unscrupulous doctor tries to harness her power, things go a bit awry for him.
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The Lamp A widow moves into a haunted house with her father and young son. The price is right and Mrs. Lancaster doesn't believe in ghosts, so why not?
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Her father isn't so sure. The story is that a little boy died of starvation waiting for his father who was arrested when he went to town to come back for him. And when he hears a child's footsteps following his grandson, he knows the stories are true.
The Last Séance A medium and her fiance are bullied by a grieving mother into something they will both regret.
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Simone is the real deal when it comes to mediums. Her fiance & manager, Raoul, is very proud of how talented she is, but he knows that her talent comes with a price and so the client today will be her last. *cue the sinister music*
The Mystery of the Blue Jar Young Jack Hartington investigates the supernatural. It all starts as he passes by a cottage and hears a cry of Help! Murder! and runs to check it out. When he gets closer he sees a beautiful girl just...weeding the flower bed or some such shit. No murderer. No one in need of his aid. Every day for 3 days he passes the cottage and hears the same thing. And every time he runs to help. And every time the beautiful girl looks at him like he's crazy. So what's actually going on?
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The Red Signal What is a Red Signal? Dermot West tries to explain the concept to a group of people at a dinner party as a premonition he sometimes feels before he's in danger. When one of the guests, Sir Arlington, tells him it's all hogwash, Raymond tells of the time his Red Signal warned him before he was almost killed in Mesopotamia. However, he doesn't tell anyone that he's actually felt that same warning sign before he came there tonight.
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The Strange Case of Sir Arthur Carmichael WEIRD. But I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dug it. This time around when Christie did supernatural, she DID supernatural. Like, you need to suspend disbelief for this one. Ok, so this doctor gets called in by his friend to check out this case of amnesia. Or something. This dude not only completely forgot who he was, but he also isn't even acting like a human anymore.
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The Witness for the Prosecution LOVE THE ENDING! This one is juicy. A rich old lady is found dead and all signs point toward Leonard Vole, a young man who has been paying her special attention, as she had apparently changed her will and he stands to inherit a good deal of money. Did he kill her? All signs point to yes. But his attorney, Mr. Mayhew, isn't convinced that he's actually guilty. Especially once he pays a visit to Leonard's wife, Romaine. <--yes, like the lettuce
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Wireless An older woman with a heart problem is persuaded to buy a wireless radio by her favorite nephew and finds she really enjoys listening to the programs in the evening. As we all do.
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The odd thing is, Mary Harter keeps hearing her dead husband's voice coming through the airwaves. He's coming for her, apparently. As dead husbands do. So, Mary does the sensible thing and decides to get her will in order. There's a faithful servant that she wants to make sure gets an extra bit of money, you see. Once that's all taken care of, she can just wait for dear old Mr. Harter to collect her from the Great Beyond. And that's exactly what happens. Or is it?
I think this is a pretty good collection that would be fun to read around Halloween. Recommended for fans of Agatha Christie....more
WHAT IS THIS?! Can something be amazing and batshit? I think so.
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In the last book, Diamonds Are Forever, it seemed as though Bond was going soft.WHAT IS THIS?! Can something be amazing and batshit? I think so.
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In the last book, Diamonds Are Forever, it seemed as though Bond was going soft. His little heart was growing just like The Grinch as he and Tiffany Case sauntered off into the sunset. And I guess by extension, I thought Ian Fleming was getting softer. Growing as a man. Showing us his vulnerable underbelly and...
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All women want to be swept off their feet. In their dreams they long to be slung over a man’s shoulder and taken into a cave and raped. Ok. Never mind, sir.
These were actually words of wisdom from Bond's new BFF, Darko Kerim. Who actually does in fact tell the story of one of the women he carried off to his cave. Then his mom dropped by and slapped him around a bit and made a scene. Poor Darko. But I'll bet most of us can think back to that time our mom embarrassed us in front of our friends while we were hanging out at our rape cave. #relatable
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There's also an unintentionally funny moment when Bond's love interest, the double-agent Tatiana Romanov (now smitten with James) asks him to beat her if she eats too much and gets fat. Well, well, well.
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But those antiquated and wholly ridiculous ideas about men and women are a big part of why I keep reading these Bond books. When I hear something like that it just makes me gurgle-laugh. I mean, you don't get to see stuff like that anymore!
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Anyway, the gist of this one is that the Russians are trying to destroy the morale of their enemies, so they send this hot young officer in to seduce James. And he's ripe for the picking because his little heart has been broken by Tiffany and her crummy American lover. Did I mention Flemming said she looked like a young Greta Garbo? You've got great taste, Ian.
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The Russians think that if Bond were to be disgraced then MI6 would be disgraced. You know, now that I think about it I never really understood the plan fully.
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He was going to be taken in by this smoking hot defector, and then I guess they were going smear him and the agency with this torrid sex scandal after he had been killed. FOOLS! That's never gonna work because there isn't a woman alive that can resist the manly scent wafting off of Bond, James Bond.
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This really has all the things that make Bond books that particular brand of wacky/delicious. Including the unforgettable Rosa Klebb! An aging Russian officer who revels in torture as an art form, and if that's not bad enough, is also a bisexual who tries to seduce our poor Miss Romanova. Unbelievably, Flemming doesn't take this opportunity to write a hot lesbian scene. Then again, this is Bond's world, so it wouldn't make sense to have anyone else horning in on the sexytimes.
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Anyway, Klebb is a saggy crone. So after she bluntly informs Titana that she'll be responsible for shagging the state secrets out of a British intelligence officer, she takes sexual harassment in the workplace up to ten. She disappears for a minute and then pops back into the room in a see-through negligee, and tells the nubile young Tatiana to flip off the light. She does. Right before she scurries out of the room as though her ass were on fire. The scene made me laugh, even though I'm not sure that was the intention. I think it was supposed to make the reader feel uncomfortable, but I just kept picturing this:
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Oh! And I haven't even gotten to Donovan "Red" Grant yet. This guy was some kind of unhinged werewolf that would lose control and kill on every full moon. Not by turning into a hairy hybrid of man and beast and tearing someone apart with his supernatural teeth. No, he'd just sneak out of the house and choke a hobo or something. But on a full moon. He's so evil that he defected to Russia and begged to work for SMERSH as their hatchet man.
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Ok, so those are the main players that get mixed together in this spy-soup thriller. But as they all combine and combust the plot gets crazier and the stakes get higher. And that ending? WHAT? From Russia With Love is arguably the most famous Bond book Flemming wrote, and I can see why.
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