DEAR JANE: My 23-year-old son squandered his trust fund in the most idiotic way - now he's demanding that I bail him out of his debt

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Dear Jane,

I am a widowed mother of a very irresponsible 23 year old who has thrown away his entire inheritance and is now expecting me to bail him out of a financial black hole.

When my husband passed away six years ago, my son was only 17 years old, and his father's death understandably took its toll on him. He began acting out, rebelling, skipping school, the works. He destroyed his chances of getting into a good college – although by that point he'd decided that he didn't want to go because he wanted to 'get out and see the world'.

My husband knew that he was going to die about a year before he actually passed, and he went to great lengths to ensure that we would be taken care. He set up a college fund for my son, and he also left him a trust fund of about $120,000 that he would be able to access at the age of 22.

Instead of college, my son spent two years traveling. I agreed that he could use some of his college fund to pay for these trips under certain stipulations: that he was never gone for longer than two months, that he picked up work whenever he was home, and that he did some form of charity work wherever he went.

Although I was very nervous about the idea of him traveling by himself, I felt safe in the knowledge that I still had a hand in what he was doing. If I felt that he was behaving irresponsibly, I always had the option to cut him off.

Dear Jane, my 23-year-old son has squandered his inheritance - and now he's demanding that I bail him out of his financial debt

But when he turned 22, he got full access to his trust fund. There was nothing I could do to stop it, although I confess, I tried.

At that point, he no longer really kept me in the loop with anything that was going on in his life. I suppose because he didn't need me anymore.

Then this week, almost a year to the day since his 22nd birthday, he phoned me. My first thought was that there had been some kind of accident or that he was in trouble, but instead he asked to take me out to lunch. I was thrilled!

But when I saw him in person, he looked exhausted, run down, and filthy, quite frankly. I asked where on Earth he had been staying and he said he'd been 'couch surfing' between his friends. 

Then it all came out – it turns out he had decided to invest almost the entirety of his trust fund in a friend's cannabis dispensary. Apparently this friend had great visions for how this dispensary would differ from all of the others in our area (we live in Colorado), and spent a fortune bringing that vision to life.

Sadly however while the two of them felt it was essential to spend thousands on things like 'sick display cabinets' and 'top shelf weed', what they didn't spend money on was hiring people with experience in business. So, two months after opening, they were shut down by the authorities for a spate of violations. Not only are they now facing criminal charges, but they are also left with no business and none of the money that they put into it.

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After hearing all of this I was absolutely disgusted. How dare he squander all of the money that my husband worked so hard to leave us? But it got worse. Rather than admitting his wrongdoing, my son insisted that I immediately give him access to what remains of his college fund.

I refused. At which point he said that he would hire a lawyer to sue me for the rights to the money.

He is my son, and I love him, but Jane I truly don't recognize the person that he has become. I'm half tempted to just hand over the money and rid myself of him, but I know that my husband would be devastated to know that our relationship has come to this.

So where do I go from here?

From,

In the Weeds

Dear In the Weeds,

I am so very sorry that you are in this position, which must feel untenable to you. As mothers we love our children so very deeply, and often make the mistake of thinking we have to do everything in our power to protect them from harm.

But wrapping them in cotton wool, whilst protective, also stops them from learning from their mistakes. 

The great tragedy here is that the human brain doesn't fully develop until the age of 25. There was almost an inevitability in your son making a terrible choice with this money.

I understand your dilemma with the rest of the college fund money, particularly given that your son has not proved himself to be responsible. 

I am wondering if you ought to see a trusts and estates lawyer. What is left of the college fund money could be held in trust until your son is older and less likely to make a poor decision.

Ultimately, the money is for him, and there is only so much you can do, but please look for ways to protect your son from himself until he is a little older. Even then, he may make choices you disagree with, but he will have to learn the hard way, which is, after all, how we always learn the most important lessons in life.

Consult with a lawyer, and know that your son has his own journey. It may be filled with choices that are not the choices you would make, but as his remaining parent, I encourage you to find a way to put these financial issues aside and love him despite his choices.